it's a journey ~ isn't it ?

Dark night of the soul ~ on being compassionate to my self

2009-10-16T16:54:00.004+11:00

working through the Artist's Way during the Dark Moon has been one hell of a journey. Reading through Week 9, I realised that closing Tales of Inglewood had been a creative U-turn for me. Julia described perfectly how I was feeling.. closing the blog, shamed by my reaction: ashamed of what people were thinking of me.... then realized that I do love my blog and to talk to my inner child that it is ok to blog without an obligation to others, that I don't have to apologize for how I am. To blog for my creative self..

but I still felt silly for 'over-reacting' to how I felt.. so reading some more, I saw that by closing Inglewood and taking time away, I could recycle things.. bring those that I loved back to a new blog when I am ready to return..

Going through this Dark Moon I have actually found alot of help from Spirit, in being directed to a book by Thomas Moore. Dark Nights of the Soul. I went to the book shop today and only one copy on the shelf, which is now mine.. and honestly, this man wrote this book for me.. I am engrossed with the book..

out of the Dark Moon time came this poem.. it is not polished but it came from my fingers while I sat listening to Gregorian chants last night, while many candles burned to bring some light into my Soul:

My soul follows the Moon
falling from light and fullness
to the darkness of my soul
matching that of the Moon.
struggling with day to day life
not knowing where to turn
ever forgetting to look within
my heart aches
like a crack of lightning.
needing to journey inward
to find love & understanding of self
to sit in the darkness
accepting, nurturing, in stillness
until the Moon once again turns to Full.
to Light.

not thank God it is Friday.. but thank God it is the end of week 5 - a week of silly questions

2009-09-22T20:39:00.003+10:00

once again for me, The Artists Way is coming back to faith, trust and belief in a God/Goddess/Creator.. call it what you will.. I just don't believe that prayers are answered.. coming from a family constantly telling me to get up off my knees, because God never did us any favours.. God helps those who help themselves.. but when I do pray (and that is not very often) I utter the words, hold my breath, not really expecting them to be answered and if they are.. I tell my self it is just fate..
I find it very difficult to believe in the Worlds abundance is there for everyone, when I look at the world, the poor and the starving - do they not pray?? and then when I do pray and ask for 'things' I feel guilty because there are thousands, millions, alot less fortunate than I am.. so I tell myself I must be happy with my lot

am I not getting something here in the book???

I really, really struggle with this belief in Spirit, it is a real struggle for me.. has been all my life.. like I am not quite 'game' to fully trust that there is something bigger than me.. just incase there isn't and I am let down again.

I just don't' get where any of the exercises are taking me... they don't make a whole lot of sense.. like what would I do if it weren't too selfish? go live in an ashram?? or what would I try if it weren't too crazy?? what the hell kind of question is that? what is crazy? jumping of a bridge?.. just do not get where this is going.. week 5 *sigh* all that I seemed to do was write loads of rubbish.

syncronicity to test me on the Artists Way

2009-09-20T09:54:00.005+10:00

months ago, I booked myself into a weekend retreat which is coming up in November. I have paid half of the cost so far.. this workshop is given by an Aboriginal woman and is not a regular thing, only coming up once or twice a year. Last time I booked into it, I had to cancel because of family circumstances.... I am looking forward to this, we sit around in circle and create our own spirit stick.. (and MinMia's health is failing and I may not get another chance at a workshop with her... and I know that her gathering will help me connect to Australia and may even uncover some Aboriginal ancestry)

just today, my mother called and told me that they are having an 80th birthday party for her partner.. and that they are also getting married. After 21yrs together, they have decided to tie the knot for his 80th... but it is on the same weekend as my retreat. I told her ages ago about this and what date it was and now they have gone ahead and booked a hall and all the other trappings that goes with something like this. I asked if she could change the date, but really it is all too much for her to do.. I understand that. But I don't want to give my retreat up. I know this sounds very selfish. I have offered to go down the next weekend after 'the wedding' and take them out to lunch.. but all I get is 'your sister is coming'.. and guilt rears it's ugly head. Inside a voice screeches 'what about me??". .. I know not one of you can tell me what to do. This is a personal decision.. I just have to laugh at the synchronicity of Chapter 5 and this happening...all related to what Julia Cameron calls 'The Virtue Trap" and being self destructive... dammit, I want to put myself first for once and I want to feel ok with that.

week 4 ~ a bit on the dull side

2009-09-15T03:30:00.000+10:00

besides not doing my morning pages once, and only giving up reading for a day.. not much else happened. I was absolutely exhausted from babysitting my grandson Harry.. so when i got to sleep in each morning, I took the chance!! i will admit I did feel guilty.. but i got past that quick smart..

I did most of my tasks, while sitting in the chair at the hairdressers, having my hair coloured by youngest daughter... and worked in my soul journal (otherwise known as my Book of Shadows and Light).. I wrote a letter to myself from a younger me and I realized one thing: my whole life as a child was bereft of fun and silliness - i have always been so serious about life as I doggedly travel my spiritual path, doing it right.. head down, get on with it. I truly do not know how to let my little girl have fun. If I blow bubbles, I feel silly. If I go on a swing, I feel like I am wasting time... and on it goes. That is one thing I must sort out. I think if I do that, then maybe the art will flow from my soul.

a few skills I would love to have: to be able to cut vegies skillfully like a chef. be able to create pottery, hairdressing, to be able to ride my own Harley Davidson.

hobbies that sound like fun: pottery, scuba diving, snorkelling, prawning

classes that sound like fun: pottery classes

things that I would never dream of doing:bungee jumping, skydiving, hot air ballooning... but that said, I also said once that I would never get on the back of a motor bike.. and I love it now!!

see there is a kind of theme running here.. pottery and funnily enough, last week in our paper there was an ad for pottery classes nearby my home.. and I have put my name down!!

I also realized, that I must, simply must make time each day to meditate; I found this ages ago about meditation:
just concentrate on the form of meditation you have chosen. and do not be in a hurry to see results, the moment you worry about progress, you regress. relax. practice your method. the kind of method you choose is not as important as the way you approach it. be patient. practice serenely. don't worry about reaching aims. just practice. enlightenment is a by-product rather than the main goal. development comes as it comes. enlightenment comes when you least expect it... (author unknown to me)

and where would I like to live? - i would love to live somewhere green. rolling hills in the distance, a small brook and a copse of trees, nearby would be sacred wells and standing stones. magick pathways along the river banks. a place that would touch my soul and feed all my senses.....

Week 3 ~ jammed packed full of stuff.

2009-09-09T10:50:00.002+10:00

the past week for me has been an emotional rollercoaster.. from the absolute devestation of the break-up of my Wild Woman group to the birth of my grandson.. and many things in between, including memories throughout the Artist way journey.. way too much to even begin to put down here.. things that I know I must deal with for my own spiritual journey.

I found it difficult to even begin to find traits that Ilike in myself as a child, because you see, I didn't know myself. I was wrapped in some kind of fog blanket, going through the motions of life. I was a little girl who did what she was told, was very insecure and felt beneath other people. a little girl who searched for the meaning of life...
however, I know that I was studious and loved to learn, always applying myself to the task or lesson at hand. And I loved to read.

I worked through all the tasks from Week 3, just as if I were that little girl.. now I need to put them into my Soul Journal, otherwise known as my Book of Shadows and Light.

one thing I did realize as I read through Chapter 3 and shame, was that I always, always put obstacles up whenever I think about doing a workshop, course or some kind of study. I get caught up in a fear of committment. I then realized that it was deeply rooted in my childhood.. where my parents did not have enough money for further education, so it was never encouraged.. make do with your lot was what I was constantly told. And that has stayed with me until now.
Now that I can afford to do study, I still throw up obstacles..not enough time, can't really afford it as it is a luxury, too frightened of not being able to retain information and failing tests,what's the point of studying anyhow, it is of no use to me now.... why, oh why do I do this?
while I was reading, I realized that I would love to study Astrology and Feng-shui... but that old fear comes up. Now I am at the point of working through that fear ...

other thoughts that came up in my journal: Learning to trust myself, to believe in myself is probably the most important thing I could do. My most cheer me up music is: Edith Piaf/French cafe. My favourite way to dress is Bohemian style. favourite foods: celery with salt, apples with salt. buttered finger buns.
I need to make time to meditate, to balance & cleanse my energies...
and another thing was that I do not totally believe in my spiritual journey... I have not fully let go of it.. I still hold a string of control, just incase ... I feel as if I am play acting. Many people I know are 100% sure of their beliefs.. I still don't 100% believe that there is a spirit world, a God, beings on the other side helping me... hmmm how can I change that?? is that a trust issue? I just want to stand firm in my belief and TOTALLY LIVE IT, BREATHE IT AND BELIEVE IN WHAT I DO.

week 2 ~ creativity is the natural order of my life

2009-08-31T20:34:00.002+10:00

finally this sunk in. reading the Basic Principles every day, I had been expecting to sit, pray for guidance to the Creator to guide me & lead me to create some kind of masterpiece much like Leonardo or Monet. Shoot for the stars I say! BUT over the past few days amidst the dreadful turmoil of my wise woman group seemingly disintegrating into a million pieces, I sat and contemplated the cards, worked through it in my soul journal, writing and illustrating for hours on end, coming up with some very deep intuitive answers. I suddenly realized, that what I had been doing was creating. I am creating my soul journey. it was like the Creator hit me in the back of the head with a brick. While sitting drawing or collaging, my soul is still and I am conversing with God. (I use the word God, some say Universe, some say Goddess.. finally, God sits ok with me). I am creating magick in my life and THAT is ok, it doesn't have to hang on the wall ...

(last time I worked through the Artists Way, the Creator began to plant seeds in my mind about gathering a circle of women at Full Moon to do ritual and create magick, at my home here at Inglewood. I started to jot ideas down but it never eventuated, I let the moment slip from my grasp and life went on. Although, I did co-create the group that has been in trouble over the past week. The Creator has started to prod me once more since I began the Artists Way this time, small reminders of what I am to do with a circle here. I feel feelings of discomfort coming, I squirm, I am not brave nor courageous enough to put myself out there and create a real life circle. I don't want to step out of my comfort zone, although I know it will be for my own good if I do... and anyhow, this AW journey is all about creating ART not magic circles, right?)

so going through the week:

ARTIST DATE: check - I went for a meditative walk and found my new wand stick.
MORNING PAGES: check
CRAZY MAKERS: I am beginning to believe that I could be my own biggest crazy maker.

FIVE IMAGINARY LIVES:
1. a dress designer
2. a merchant, like Marco Polo, travelling Spice Route to China through Persia, Turkey & India
3. a yogi living in an Ashram
4. a member of an indigenous tribe - connected to Earth spirituality - an American Indian or an Australian Aboriginal.
5. an acupuncturist/chinese herbalist

then somehow I started to think about God.. and some thoughts in my notes were:

"I do believe in God, I have actually worked through the aversion to that word and am now comfortable using it. sometimes though, I do question if God is real. But there has to be something. I know and feel that there is something bigger than me. I do tend to become fearful of believing in a Creator, that if I put all my eggs in that basket and fully trust, then I might discover that it was all a joke, a lie, that there is nothing, no God. and it is not about the religious God, the God that every one argues over who is right. this is about the very beginning, the God/Universe/Creator - .. before Druids, Celts, ancient tribes, witches & pagans... the ONE who is responsible for all that is" - *phew* that was very heavy. but that is what comes of my journalling.. constant soul searching stuff.

see? crazy making goes on in my very own head.

i did find it difficult to list things that I enjoy doing. actually didn't quite get this.. but I wrote a few things...

writing my blog, rides on the Harley, creating rituals, making soup, gardening and wandering around nurseries, dancing when we go out, browsing op-shops, taking walks in the bush and sitting on Mother Earth. I enjoy watching Doc Martin and I enjoy eating oranges sprinkled with salt.... I love walking the beach, discovering rock pools and finding sea-glass (we all know that is treasure, right?)... I love going away for bike weekends, drinking way too much red wine, dancing like a whirling dervish and letting my hair down..(of course I do not enjoy the next day)..

I didn't remember to do the affirmations.. completely forgot, but next week I will work through them, hopefully.. onto Week.3!!

week One ~ I, Robyn, am willing to learn to let myself create. I am willing to nurture my inner artist.

2009-08-25T20:50:00.007+10:00

I missed my morning pages twice, both days of the weekend actually. I just don't seem to be writing much at all.. well nothing astounding, mostly repetitive drivel. of what I can hear outside or I complain about having to do morning pages. I just write stuff until I have finished three pages. I begin to wonder if they do any good really. what will eventuate from them for me, I wonder.

as to the Artist's date - I had everything planned to go on a long solitary walk with a pad and pencils to draw but the rain poured down, so I gave myself the luxury of having a nap in a warm room, underneath a favourite eiderdown.. lying there looking out the window at the wind and rain, feeling very secure, reading for awhile before drifting off into dream filled sleep.. bliss.

blurts came thick and fast
*why do you want to create? *what will you do with it? *what purpose will it have? *why create things that aren't useful or needed? *why bother, you aren't an artist, you don't have your own creative ideas, you always copy others. *you are not an artist, you are just an ordinary woman, living an ordinary life. this is your lot in life, accept it. your family wasn't artistic.... and on and on it went.

wasnt' quite sure about monsters, I really could not remember anyone who actually put my art work down. But I guess one monster could be that I didn't get any encouragement from my parents for any kind of art work. Even when I chose subjects at high school, I was discouraged from studying art and encouraged to study useful things like sewing & home science ~ even when I studied French language, I was laughed at and ridiculed.

the only praise I got was from my Pa when I sang.. he encouraged me to sing as he was an Opera singer & I am sure he wanted me to pursue a career in that, but I had no interest at all in music

my 5 imaginary lives were
1. an archaeologist
2. a village Doctor
3. a potter
4. a nun
5. a gypsy

so that is my Week One in a nutshell... not a big breakthrough.. but I am sure plodding along something will eventually happen.
I am going to try to repeat my affirmations daily...

secret #3 -lots of rambling on this one..

2009-01-23T22:06:00.006+11:00

truthfully - I have no idea where this chapter is taking me. Or am I missing something? missing the point? You see, I just live my life and what happens day to day.. well happens. Oh yes I make decisions but I don't have a need to take risks. I don't take dangerous impulsive risks. Except of course getting on the back of the Harley.. but I don't jump off ropes into rivers or dive off bridges. I don't climb up the side of rock races. Mum cautioned me strongly when I was a little girl and it has stuck. I took a risk when I was 10 and had my ears pierced. Last time I took an impulsive risk was when I was 16 and fell pregnant. The result? A son who turns 34 next month.

I have a tattoo and I have purple highlights so I am not a stranger to taking risks.

Maybe I am blessed that I am very happy & settled in my life. I don't have urges to study nor do I want a career. I don't want much at all. I want simple. Usually if I want something or want to do something then I just do it.. within reason of course.. like if I want to travel or buy a big item then of course I have to budget... but I don't think much about doing things. I plan things of course... when my journey gets tough.. i usualy go into panic mode then my strong self takes control. She organises things, she prepares, she prays, she journals. She talks to anyone who will listen. She puts one foot in front of the other, knowing that the journey will continue no matter what she does...

I would like to be more adventurous & original in my 'art'. Not worrying like I do if this piece of lace or that ribbon or flower goes 'there' or 'there' or what colour should i paint the background? Should it be stippled or just dry brushed. Decisions are what I seem to have trouble with. Not trusting my creative self. where does that come from? haven't a clue. Although that all being said.. not once do I second guess myself when designing my garden or my home... if I want to write IMAGINE on my wall then I do it...... if I want to hang teacups from my apple tree.. it's done without hesitation... ...

this chapter has confused me a little. I am not really understanding it at all.... I remember reading in Simple Abundance a week or so ago where she asked.. what is it I NEED to make me truly happy? I need a garden, peace, solitude. a clean and tidy home, time to create. essential oils. candles. a massage. connection to Earth. water. fresh organic vegetables. the ability to create fresh delicious meals. Joe. a pot of tea and homemade cake shared with friends...... I have all of this and I am grateful.

do I need to take a risk just for the sake of it? what would a creative risk be for me? I don't know.. maybe create a poem or verse on my dining room wall?

the 2nd Secret

2009-01-21T06:54:00.000+11:00

I must admit that I am struggling keeping up with this book... not sure why. Maybe it is because I have been away or maybe, just maybe I am in panic that I may have to create. Me? Create? I am not an artist my ego tells me. Paint? yeah right. ..... but I desperately want to. I want to paint, I want to create gorgeous collages, I want to find inspiration, I want to make a captured fairy jar. I want to pot....... I am sure I can do all of this but I don't or won't make time.... instead I take time to work in my garden, or create my gorgeous home..... and I cannot, simply cannot take time to paint when my housework is not done. It is not in my make-up to do that. If I ignored the washing or cleaning, and went to create, then all I would do is stress and worry... so I need to find a solution here or else forever I will be a frustrated artist.

so many questions to ponder in this chapter..... when I get creative inspirations, if I don't get them down them down then and there they are gone. As quickly as they came. Problem is most of mine come at 3 in the morning and I usually cannot rouse myself out of that sleep fog to write them down.. at 3am they are as clear as a bell, I am certain that I will remember them & I promise myself that I will jot them down in the morning. But when I wake, try as I might.. I cannot remember.

I am passionate about my garden. It is my absolute passion. I lose myself while in the garden. I know I am creative there. It just happens without any effort from me.

I already have the materials... hell, I have enough for all of you!

but wait! there's more:

i collect stuff. have been for ever, I gather bits and I go and buy old books just to use the covers for art... but there they sit.. waiting, waiting for inspiration to come.... I have ideas for canvases in my head.. but the line between my head and my hands doesn't seem connected properly. Maybe there is a fuse gone wrong.. because it doesn't come out the way that I see it in my minds eye.

oh I already have the space...

I am blessed in that I do have plenty of me time and I do have Sacred Space of my own... actually two.
I have a room where I meditate, where I sometimes take a nap on the vintage cane settee, where I keep my self-help books, my crystals, oils and essences. This room is saturated with angelic presence. It is where I talk to spirit.

then i have my creative studio. where I dabble with ART, where I create my journal, make gifts, cut and paste. where I stare at a blank canvas and wish I could do something with it. But I am scared of making a mistake. This room looks out onto a side garden where peace flags flutter in the breeze.....

starting again.. more self discovery... acknowledging my creative self

2009-01-15T14:09:00.002+11:00

yes, I am creative. I know it because I have heard people say that I am creative because I am passionate and emotional and 'most creative people are like that' (I have heard them whisper)... so do I myself, acknowledge my creative self? I don't think so... heck, I don't think I even know myself very well... I change from one person to another, very much like I am multiple personalities... I morph into someone else nearly everyday... I take creativity for granted... I know that I create gardens, I create a peaceful, soulful home, I create sacred space, I create exquisite soul journals, I create delicious meals and sometimes not so delicious meals... but I don't really acknolwedge that this is creating.. I look on it as just me being me. So I guess it is time to grab this, say yes, I am creative! A creative passionate woman...

a thankyou that will never be enough and my next step..

2008-11-30T08:56:00.004+11:00

I am planning a little ceremony to celebrate the past month. .....A month that I cannot find the words to describe. Wonderful? yes. amazing? yes. healing? yes.. but words will never be enough to describe my journey or the friendships that I have made. Nor will words ever be enough to say thankyou to Jamie.

Jamie is an angel, she has plucked me from a sea of anger, confusion and self pity by organising this Soul Coaching journey. I will be forever grateful. big hugs and much bliss to you Jamie.

Yesterday, I needed to be by myself for a little while.. so I got up bright and early and went into my garden. I weeded and I pondered. And I felt a peace that I have never felt before... after a little while - I asked Joe if we could go for a ride.. I needed to get into a Zen space.. and the back of the bike is one place that I can be completely by on my own. So we rode for awhile and I started to smile..and I started to cry because this peace & love that I am feeling comes from gratitude... gratitude for the little boy sitting next to his dad in the Fire Truck.. looking so excited. Gratitude for the butterfly that flitted past my face as we rode along... gratitude that I am alive, happy and at peace and gratitude that I have finally found JOY.
bless you all for supporting and encouraging me. I am back at my everday blog Inglewood.. and The Enchanted Forest is open for the month of December.. please come by for a visit... the link in on the side bar here...

Day 28 ~ I AM the essence of LOVE ~ and near panic

2008-11-30T08:13:00.002+11:00

part of me is absolutely panicking that Soul Coaching has finished - gone are the daily affirmations in my diary, gone is the purpose for journaling each day but most that I am panicking about is losing the wonderful connections that I have made. I wish with all my heart that we can keep in touch. I know i have been among an amazing group of women, worldwide. I feel part of a sisterhood and I know I have been blessed by wise words and insights... And I have realized that I am not alone in my constant search and struggle to find out who I am....

and yes, I have been helped to peel back layers of my onion, layers of my self....

onto today's exercise: LOVE - oh yes, I wish to be the essence of love. PURE LOVE... I go through my day, trying to beam love out to all who pass my way. So that they may feel loved when I am around. I still struggle with not accepting other people's faults. I still get frustrated when people don't see that I have changed and am wanting to be peaceful, loving and kind.. cause sometimes I wasn't.. sometimes I was angry and it showed.... part of me feels like slapping them and shaking them and telling them that I have changed and I am the essence of love, can't they see that?????..... standing back, I see that this is totally defeating the purpose and I laugh out loud - it has to be my ego trying to keep my in line.. trying to keep me angry and lost and I stamp my feet and I will not allow my ego to control me or my life for one second more.. yes, I will stumble and fall but during this past month, I have learned to accept this, to stand up, brush my knees and continue trying. And I will try and I will succeed

Day 27 - into the future

2008-11-29T07:00:00.005+11:00

last night, as I meditated (or rather sat in stillness as my mind raced like a frantic monkey), a magnificent thunderstorm rage outside. Flashes of lightning illuminating the dark sacred space that I was in. It was as if this storm had come to wash away the last remnants of my previous soul self. Today there is a gentle breeze, the sun is still being shy behind the clouds but every now and then shows his face to promise that he will be here always......

forward to the future:
November 2009:
what an amazing spiritual journey I have had this past year.... the aboriginal initiation ceremony was fantastic. Even though at first I was apprehensive about going all that way by myself.. I did it!
Walking in our bush as often as I could helped me to connect to the land that I was born to. I actually started to talk and commune with our native spirits. They have guided me and instructed me on how to make my very own flower essences.
I am so proud of myself that I actually signed up for and completed a few natural health workshops. I loved the workshops and plan on doing more next year. I am so intune with Mother Earth, i sit under the stars regularly and talk to the Moon.....my home is the peaceful sacred place that I have always strived for & Joe and I are more in love now that ever.. I am blessed.... I wrote in my gratitude journal every single day and it shows in my life. Everything in my life is all I could wish for and more. My life is full of love, peace & joy.

and into the real world... for those of you who know about my gorgeous grandson Harry - here is an update & some photos: about Harry

day 26 ~ a perfect day! I BELONG.

2008-11-28T06:20:00.004+11:00

A.M: I am at home wherever I am.... for those of you who have known me for sometime, you will know that I have never felt at home here in Australia, although I was born here. My soul has forever yearned for Cornwall, land of my ancestors, even before I knew that is where my roots came from.. it was something deep inside.

Australia is a wild, ancient land. Full of mystery. It is harsh and forbidding. But it is also wise. It is full of colour that you have never seen. We have a sky that goes forever. More stars at night than you can imagine. And I am beginning to fall in love with it..

with this feeling of being displaced, of not belonging to this ancient land, a foreigner to the land that I was born... today is the perfect day to start believing and feeling that I do belong here. That I am home.

It is time to rid myself of this dis-connectedness once and for all... I can begin to walk through the bush and affirm that I am at home here in Australia.

P.M: can you believe how the Universe works!!! this afternoon, I received an invitation to an initiation ceremony for women. Run by an aboriginal woman to help women reconnect. It is being held next March. so I say YES.!!!!! I will do this. As much as I will be out of my comfort zone, going alone .. I will do it !!!!!

day 25 -I am in harmony with the natural rhythm of life - oh you bet I am!!!!

2008-11-26T21:47:00.003+11:00

from my early morning writing: "sitting here, looking out at my garden, at all the shades of green. The leafiness of my garden and the peace and serenity that it exudes - I realize that I gather strength from this piece of land. It brings peace to my soul. When I am in my garden, I am at one with the land... I disappear and become part of it all. I cannot begin to tell how this patch of earth affects me. I am indeed blessed" - I would love to be able to share my garden somehow - there is a whisper of an idea forming in my mind... kind of like spirituality in my garden... but we will see where it goes.

Later in the day, I began to feel a melancholy slip over me, a sadness. I was beginning to feel disconnected and I started to panic. I felt totally lost and alone....utter panic. what can i do? where can i go? who can I talk to??
I had no idea why I was feeling like this....Then realized that it is dark of the moon... so i emailed a few friends, hoping for some wise words and of course I am never let down..one wise soul: "Light candles Robyn, small little ones so they look like stars all around you." and another: "draw a sensuous bath with candle light and perfume and treat yourself with every manner of good thing. The dark of the moon is your powertime and you must summons and invite the strength that is within you to gently hold the sadness with love and surround it with light"... and this i did. I finished cleaning my loungeroom, lit a fire (yes, it is bitterly cold here, we had snow on the weekend.. a few days just before summer!), I pulled the curtains, lit many, many tealights, sat in my big pink chair under a snuggly blanket and I slept. Waking feeling better but still remembering to nurture myself.... making myself a cup of hot tea and a chocolate biscuit (wheat free of course)...

so you see, I was in harmony with the natural rhythm of nature, being affected by the moon!!! It actually made me feel connected once i realized what was happening. It made me feel like i was totally in sync with Earth & my inner wisdom..

Day 24 - how easy can this be?

2008-11-26T06:35:00.002+11:00

something that came to me (and actually surprised me) as I was reading this exercise, was that I am not as downtrodden or insecure as I thought I was. Having been told for many years in the past, that I had an inferiority issue, then I believed I did.
But I am a strong, intuitive wise woman !!
When I walk, I mostly walk standing tall and with a confident pace. I hold my head up cause I don't want to miss anything. Sometimes I may have a frown on my face, but that is because I am deep in thought and I know I frown when I think.

I do believe in past lives and I do believe that we have bought some of them with us, strongly, so that we can join them together in this life.. to consolidate our wisdom from our various incarnations... that is my theory or one of them. Sometimes when I go walking I even see myself as a tall priestess. I am not tall in this life at all but I really see this tall woman, striding along in a green dress. that is me and she gives me confidence..

These exercises have been quite easy for me. I do try to exude and aura of inner peace, wisdom & joy. Do I succeed? Sometimes. Sometimes I feel ratty and ungrounded or sometimes totally out of control and that is when I need to centre and ground.

By reading all of these exercises it kind of affirms to me that i am on the right track in my life.... That makes me feel wonderful!! Like getting 100% in an exam. OOPS there goes the ego again: whispering "remember, pride goes before a fall - don't give in to this pride" - oh thanks for that Mr Ego...but I don't believe this anymore. I choose not to.

day 23 - easy peasy

2008-11-24T21:14:00.004+11:00

I really don't have alot to say about today as it pretty much follows my lifestyle. I feel this post will be a little ho-hum.....
I have been following an ayurvedic ritual for a few months now.
First thing I do when I wake up is have either a detox drink using either lemon or apple cider vinegar in a glass of warm water. This is something my grandma did and I learned it from her. And each morning, I give myself a massage using black sesame oil. Once a week I massage brahmi oil into my hair and leave it overnight.

I haven't done a dry brush detox in a little while and plan on buying myself another good body brush sometime this week and will do the dry brush on the weekend.

I drink quite alot of water during the day, at least 8 big glasses of warm water.. on my altar I have a jug of water that I bless each day and drink as I go about my day. I would like to share an article that has alot of information about water and digestion: water

today as i went through my day, I was very mindful of each sip of water that I took into my body. I ate quite alot of fruit - cutting up a juicy pineapple for the week.. and thoroughly enjoying a few pieces as I did. I am really fortunate that we have an organic food co-op not far from my home and I can buy most fruits organic.. and at quite reasonable prices. I drank some green tea and also a cup of dandelion tea to help my liver. It was a lovely gentle day for me today... I am feeling so alive!!!

my body & Earth

2008-11-23T18:50:00.005+11:00

right now, my head does not feel like it is connected to my body - not because of the 3 glasses of champagne that I consumed last night, nor because of me dancing like a whirling dervish (hope it is ok to use that term - I always worry about offending people but it describes exactly how I was dancing!!)... but because last night, I ate something with wheat in it and my body & my head are rebelling. It seems I am allergic to wheat & anything with wheat in it. I was so careful, but forgot that sausages may contain wheat and I ate one with gay abandon!!

a little disappointing that I feel like this on the first day of Earth week, when we are connecting with our bodies, because right now, I cannot connect to mine. And even more disappointing was that I was too ill to go to the Soul Collage workshop. I am usually healthy, I follow a very healthy lifestyle and it is beginning to show in my body.. my eyes are clearer, my allergies are lestening and I feel quite healthy. No, make that really healthy

I read through the introduction this morning, but that is all I did.. I think I only said the affirmation once, but I am sure that is ok.. the Goddess can see how ill I am.. so all is forgiven.... but I had to laugh when Denise mentioned digging a hole in the roots of a tree and snuggling. Oh how I wish I could do that... but if I did, the whole while I was snuggling, I would be in a high state of anxiety worrying about funnel web spiders. Or snakes.

I am so, so excited for this week. I love trees, I love dirt. I love nature, the Moon, the stars and hmmm the sun too I suppose... I absolutely love the Earth!!!

(ps. I won't be around to visit blogs tonight, I am going to bed.. but will come by tomorrow sometime.. thanks to all of you who visited me today!!)
UPDATE: just received an email telling me that there is another SoulCollage workshop this Wednesday night... the Divine is indeed good!

the last day of fire....day 21

2008-11-22T13:06:00.003+11:00

Phew.. only one more week to go! where has the time gone..
this morning when I woke up, I found that there was alot of creating to be done.. however, we are off for the night to a Harley Davidson christmas party and I won't get of a chance there to do much at all.. so I quickly grabbed a handful of magazines, my scissors and a glue stick and proceeded to find some pictures that signified abundance to me..... and as I searched I realized that all my choices were simple ones... a basketful of home grown vegies, a handful of herbs freshly picked from the garden.. little girls, smiles, jam and tea cups... and love.....

and then as I chose a card from Carolyn Myss Archetype cards, I asked myself: 'if my soul had something to tell me today, what would it be' - ... a card fell out of the pack - NUN... can you believe it?? I had to laugh at the Divine's sense of humour...

and tomorrow (Sunday for me) I am off to do a SoulCollage workshop.. life is indeed good and i am blessed.

Day 20 - a wish

2008-11-21T19:33:00.006+11:00

when I read the affirmation today, I sighed with relief

I AM a loving spiritual being. ....

and as I continued to read, I realized that I was reading my dream,

my wish for life

to love, to pray, to be kind and compassionate - ALWAYS.

This is all I ask for..... so be it.

a story about facing death..onto Day 19

2008-11-20T17:15:00.007+11:00

Death does not bother me one bit. Death has been around me FOR-ever. My grandma died on my 10th birthday and I was introduced to death at that early age.. then became a widow at 19.. hell, I didn't understand it at all. I was plunged into a world that I didn't choose. Then life went along merrily until death visited me again and I miscarried my 3rd pregnancy at 18 weeks.. death and grieving once again.

Skipping through life.. oneday I was under the pine tree, where the faeries live.. swinging with gay abandon.. letting my inner child out to play... thinking how blessedly wonderful my life was... two days later I was diagnosed with cancer. What can I say?
When I was told of all the treatments I would be having, my first reaction was: I would rather be in a coffin, no way am I going to do that.. and I was prepared to die. Truly.

But then I realised that I was being selfish. I had a loving family and I had a chance to fight for my life to be with them until the day I was supposed to leave this earth.. whether it was that day, a time after my treatment, or years in the future...
so I agreed to the treatments and each day for 5 weeks I would trot off to the radiation unit and be zapped. Each day, I faced my own death, because I had no idea if this was going to work. I just had to have faith. (and I keep saying I don't have any!!)

I had a near death experience too - when I had my tubes tied.. I stopped breathing and there was someone at the end of my bed, his name was Michael. I don't know who he was but he was so loving, I just didn't want to come back.. but he said i must... then I heard the nurses yelling, 'breathe, Robyn, breathe' and I was back.. so you see, I am not afraid of dying....

I don't know if I can say I am ready to die now. i have had a wonderful life... I don't want to die because I think of leaving my husband who is my soul mate and I do panic.. and there are things that I wish I could do.. like study herbs or travel to Peru and Cornwall... but if I died today or now.. I would be ok with it.. it is just i hate to think of the sadness and grief that those left behind experience... so yes, I am ok with dying myself. I just hate it when other people die. I hate grief. Hate it with a passion. I hate how it tears at your heart and doesn't go away. But I am not scared to die. Actually it will be quite exciting because then I will find out what life is all about !!

when I had cancer, I made a resolve to make my life more peaceful, calm and quiet..to take time out to just be.. not quite sure if I achieved that, probably not.. but today I re-commit to:
living in the present moment, to let go of all negative thoughts, to remember that I AM a Divine Immortal being and that I am loved by God.. that I am not separate from God.

oh and I did my little ritual!! wondering what the hell I could burn.. I decided on burning one of my cancer test results... and as it burned down to ash, i saw myself as a brilliant white light - perfect, whole and complete....

day 18 ~ what can I say?

2008-11-19T20:45:00.004+11:00

the day dawned absolutley brilliantly. Misty and raining. I love days like this - they stir something deep in my soul. I don't know what. Makes me want to put on some gum boots and go walking, thinking, with my hands deep in my pockets. Lost to the world in thought.

i love the affirmation - absolutely perfect. This is what I want to do, this is what I wish to be like.. the pure light of the sun in my heart and shining out to the world...

Living in the present moment is age-old.. I have read it in many, many books.. and have been told it many, many times.. but i forget. I forget to do it... I have a mind that constantly goes into the past and into the future.. worrying, agonising..

where does it come from? where does it originate from? My mum? further back to a time when I wasn't born? did my ancestors worry? It doesn't matter Robyn. what matters is that you have to the power to change it.

today as my thoughts wandered I started to think of how far I have come.. how I seem to be more peaceful, more understanding, less judgemental and I was proud of myself.. until the ego started on at me "proud of yourself?? that is not very humble. humility is what you should be striving for.. you are so vain." - is it ok to be proud of your spiritual journey? or is humility something I must strive for?? all I want really is to one with God. That is all I ask.

I have this burning love & desire to be at peace with my God. I think my mind is getting things mixed up between 'soul coaching' and 'eat, pray love'... I am reading both and they are crossing over into my thoughts and journalling...

day 16 & 17 - non events

2008-11-18T19:44:00.005+11:00

I have had a headache.... a migraine actually. I think it is from all this soul searching as well as trying to read a New Earth, which I just cannot get into... then of course, I started to stress that I was not 'enlightened' - because according to the book, if you can't get into it and it doesn't make sense and is meaningless then I am not ready to be awakened.....so it has gone to the bottom of my pile. I am also reading 'Eat, Pray, Love' (for a bit of light reading!!) - and it is fantastic.. it is the 2nd time I have read it and I am going to take a leaf from this book and just speak to God, .. bypass the ancestors and guides & go directly to the top to the Source... Tell the Divine all my worries and concerns and ask God to fix it.. I think I will write a letter tonight.

When I developed the headache, I made myself go outside into the fresh air and garden. So I spent 2 hours pulling borage out, planting cucumbers and mulching my beans... grounding is what I need right now... but I digress......

the past few days have been non-events on the Soul Coaching journey for me.. day 16 all about routine.. and i am a routine girl all the way. I need it. I thrive on it. So there is no way I am going to change my routine.... and joy? oh how I struggle with it. I have been a serious soul since I was a child. Like I am on a mission and nothing is going to take my focus from it... but I gotta get me some joy, if it is the last thing I do....
day 17 - not much happened today, the migraine killed any type of soul work. I slept & gardened that is about it...my energy level is really low.. maybe I am just not ready to face my shadow self.. maybe my headache is my soul needing a break... whatever it is- I hope that by tomorrow I will be back on deck..

Day 15 - I am safe.. facing my fears

2008-11-16T06:45:00.016+11:00

today, it was cold enough to have our fire going!!
when I first read this mornings entry,I thought 'oh geez, fears.'.. then I sat and pondered on my fears. I am not sure i have any or if I do, they are deeply hidden.. when I was little I was fearful that I would not get to Heaven.. scared witless by the threat of hell, fire and brimstone. Funny thing is, I do not have fear of cancer.. i did have a fear of recurrence but I worked through that. Sometimes I get an overwhelming fear of Joe, my husband dying.. but I sit and breathe and work through that immediately. I don't know where the fear comes from or why it happens when it does.. but at least I can sort it out and quickly !!

oh and I have the usual fears:

I am absolutely petrified of dogs.. not the little yappy kind, but those big & savage breeds. The kind that snarl and snap through iron gates as you walk past. The ones that make you think that if they managed to scale the fence, then you would be mauled to death. The types of dogs that make me break into a sweat when I hear them barking. My mind starts panicking, my heart beat goes up. Yes, they scare me.. and there is no way I am going to face that by 'going into the lions' den' so I will live with the fear and walk in different areas.

oh and snakes of course. Sometimes, I wish I could live in Ireland. where there are no snakes. Here in Australia, our snakes are venomous and quick. And most of them stand their ground if you happen to stumble across them. Plus they do not keep to their own area, they sometimes come into my garden. I live in fear all summer.. but I guess I do face that fear by continuing to garden. There is no way I will become a snake charmer to get over it..

I guess I have fears like are mentioned in the book.. like going to jail.. but that probably won't ever happen, so I am not going to spend time worrying about it.

Most of my fears have something to do with my belief & spiritual self. I am fearful of ridicule and persecution of my beliefs.. a past life issue i am sure. I am fearful of my powerful magickal self.. and I know that I constantly make light of my 'healing' abilities.. I am fearful of someone seeing me if I am in my Sacred circle performing magick.

I also have a deep seated fear and I truly cannot put it into words but will try: I am frightened of allowing myself to believe fully in the Divine. I am fearful of letting go fully and believing - just incase it all isn't true. I like to have some hold on things in my life, just incase the Divine doesn't hear me, or doesn't help me. I am frightened of surrendering my soul fully. For fear of being let down. I don't know why I am like this, maybe it is a past life issue.. wherever it comes from, I don't know how to change. How do I face this fear? I don't know. But I believe that bit by bit as I chip away by doing things like Soul Coaching.. then oneday, I will wake up and that fear will be gone. One can only hope.

last day of water - some hate but a whole lotta love

2008-11-15T08:54:00.007+11:00

early morning thoughts from my journal:
there is one last thing that I must rid myself of. One that really makes me a victim and that is my anger about my cancer. 8 years ago. Time to let it go.
"I feel angry and bitter that I was treated like I was during my cancer. I hate what it did to my body and my mind. I hate that my oncologist had no bedside manner & made my experience with cancer worse than it should have been. I hate that she advised radiation treatment when really, I didn't need it. I could have been monitored to see how it progressed before the drastic measures were taken.".....
what have I gained from this situation?? why am I allowing this to victimize me?? How can I change my perception of this so I don't feel victimized??

I don't know - maybe I have learned to stand up and fight for my own health, I have learnt alot about natural therapies and herbal remedies, I have gained strength of character.. who knows.. all I know is that I must release this victim thinking about my cancer. I must. so that I can move on. How do I do that?"

this morning as I sat blessing my breakfast, I was overcome with a feeling of total peace and I felt like clapping my hands in glee!! I felt like I had 'ARRIVED'.
I woke to a brilliant overcast drizzly day, perfect for the last day of water. And although I had planned spending the day in my garden, I was thankful for the rain, watering my garden as well as giving me the opportunity to make the time to tidy my front verandah and create a sacred space where i can do my yoga early in the morning. so that was the area I chose to clean today... and my affirmation as I did so?: "my channel to the Divine is clear & open"

after I finished cleaning the verandah, the sun had started to shine, so i took myself out into the garden to weed the paths and tidy up the gardens - decluttering my paths of weeds... and my mind started to wander... I don't know if i had any negative thoughts, because truthfully, I wasn't taking any notice.. maybe I did, maybe they just came and went.. and then I realized that sometimes, ya just gotta forget about analyzing the thoughts, you've got to just forget about trying to catch them, because if you don't you will send yourself totally nuts..

and as I weeded, working out where to make my Sacred Grotto, I looked up and there was a perfect red rose, a single rose. Simple. 5 petals. red. Thankyou Mary Magdalene.

I didn't realize how my garden affected others, but after all the lovely comments yesterday, I now realize that by sharing it, even if only on the internet, I can bring peace to other people. I wish each of you could visit.. we could take tea and have a cup cake under the pine tree where faeries live ......

day 13 - on gratitude and being blessed

2008-11-14T18:06:00.003+11:00

being a Simple Abundance devotee, gratitude is something I know about. But do I feel gratitude as often as I could? No. Do I find five things to be grateful for each day? No. Even though I went out last week and bought myself a gorgeous new journal to be my Gratitude Journal, it sits waiting on the table, to be opened and used. Today is the day that I will start to remember all those things in my life to be grateful for..... and blessed? Oh yes. I am so blessed in life, I know. I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. I have a gorgeous home that I love. A man who is my best friend
and I know I am blessed when I see this kind of thing every day:

I mean, who could not but help feel gratitude when they have a garden like this.. yes, I am blessed.

I have more to be grateful for too: birds singing in my garden, my pond, being able to walk in Katoomba, one of the most gorgeous areas one Earth, right on my doorstep. My local organic food co-op. Blogging friends who have stuck by me through my spritual journey, through the dark days of my soul..there are so many more... I am indeed a blessed woman...

and of course I have some that I am not so grateful for:

Hayfever - doesn't matter how much I try, I can't find a positive for this unless of course I count all the research that I do in alternative medicine to find a cure...

Lack of sleep.. thinking, thinking, thinkin.. no definately no positive thing I can find for that. There just is not one...

and the death of Daisy before I got to meet her.. I will never find a positive.. although her death threw me into a whirlpool of grief where I had to claw my way out..discovering parts of me I didn't know existed..

Oh lord - look in the mirror? geez. how hard is this?? All I see are the dark circles under my eyes and I start to judge. I feel like an absolute dill when I do this. But I will try. I will look past the physical and look deep into my eyes, to who I really am. And I will say - I love you...

Each morning when i go outside to greet the new day, I look around my garden and sigh with absolute pure pleasure - yes, I am blessed and I am grateful

day 12 _ ahh at last - peace & stillness

2008-11-13T21:07:00.006+11:00

I am preparing Full Moon Water tonight - so my still water will be sipped tomorrow morning when I greet the new day.

today, a perfect day. Even the affirmation spilled directly from my soul, with no effort at all...

I have been aware of and trying to go slow in my daily life, for awhile now.. at breakfast, I sit with my plate and do reiki over my food, sending healing energy into it, blessing it and saying thankyou to Mother Earth for providing me with nourishment. As I bless the food, I imagine the origins - a sunny field of organic oats, a contented cow in green pasture, bees buzzing happily or a field of sugar cane ripening in the sun..... then I eat my breakfast slowly....when I catch myself racing during the day, I stop and remind myself to go slow... life is a journey not a race.

My day was perfect. The blackbird sat in the ancient apple tree & sang for half an hour while I washed up.... I saw where I can create my grotto to the Goddess....and I felt my Creator. I was driving up the road when my heart chakra started to ache, like it was breaking open and tears started to flow.... for no reason except I was at peace and I felt loved...... I am even beginning to know that my ancestors are with me. Like I have purged my soul over the past few days, cleansing my self and opening to all that is.

(day 10 - thoughts) and day 11 - at last Spirit!!!

2008-11-12T17:15:00.006+11:00

yesterday as you know i didn't get to post... I had my Wise Woman Circle, where we worked with Isha Lerner Inner Child cards and I was just too washed out to even think of doing any Soul Coaching work... I did make some notes but truthfully - I am having a struggle this week. A month or so ago, I worked through the book 'Something More' by Sarah Ban Breathnach and we covered alot of what has been in Soul Coaching the past few days and I just don't feel up to uncovering more at the moment.. so I am being gentle with myself, following my intuition.

a few thoughts from yesterdays notes: "the affirmation clicked finally with me while sitting at my Wise Woman circle: "I am moving into harmony with everything - including myself".... I find walking in Katoomba a real energy juicer for me. It is a power spot for my soul. I can just walk and recharge and I feel blessed that I live in such a magickal powerful place.. as I have said before, in the past, I have suppressed emotions - not good - my liver is the organ that absorbs all of these emotions, and I believe is on toxic overload because of them..." so there you go, not much from Day 10

onto day 11:

At the moment, I feel that I am not really participating in Soul Coaching in the way I 'should'... I keep forgetting about what I am 'supposed' to be doing each day... going merrily along my way then at the end of the day, I think :'oh shoot, I forgot to notice my emotions, I didn't say the affirmation enough' - etc, etc. Then I feel like I have 'failed'...... I am having a dreadful struggle this week, to actually catch the negative thought patterns. (and now I will worry because according to many self-help books, that sentence may manifest) - but I truly don't know if I can change this negative thinking pattern and that worries me - alot. I WANT TO CHANGE!!!

my whole life cannot continue to revolve around this soul journey, all the time. I mean ya gotta live & sometimes life - just is.

and at last - some bloody questions about spirit !!! thank God.

I guess I get spiritual inspiration from everywhere. Sometimes I wish I were a person who followed one path - life would be simpler. But no, I dabble.

and the name of Spirit? ooh something else i struggle with as i have mentioned. thinking i 'should' call the creator either the Universe (doesn't make awhole lot of sense to me) or the Goddess... - but God sits right, feels familiar I guess. But then I struggle with the whole christian patriarchal system... but for the time being God it is.

I don't understand the whole concept of God. Is God a separate entity who helps us through life? Or are we God and God is us?? - if I am God, then why don't I love myself as God supposedly does? (yes, deep questions, these are the types of questions I have asked all my life. Father Michael our local priest many years ago, would run when he saw me coming, truly. I was also sent home from Sunday school when I was about 10 for asking too many questions)

and what do I want Spirit to know about me??

Dear Spirit,

I struggle with my Spirit, but I guess you already know that.. seeing as you are with me always. I need help. I desperately need to let go of negative thinking, so that my soul is at peace. I want to stop searching and struggling with my soul journey and JUST BELIEVE. And I wish to know how to begin to love myself...

and of course I am willing to let go... and allow Spirit to guide my life. Can someone tell me how??

after sitting quietly: I just realized that my purpose in life is to love myself. I go through life, reading self help books.. asking advice from many different people, trying to fix myself.. when I am not broken. I am perfect the way I am. This is something I must remember.... & another profound thought: 'when I believe in 'others', the unseen... then I will begin to believe in myself.....

the Universe is amazing... I just did an online flower card reading: flower reading and I got Passion Flower... perfect for me right now... Like Krishna and Christ before him, Satya Sai Baba knows the true meaning of I Am Consciousness. He asks that we all recite the following prayer many times a day: " I Am God, I Am Not Separate From God. Remember who you are. Blessings."

day 9 ~

2008-11-10T21:55:00.005+11:00

I had to laugh when I read Denise's reasoning for rude drivers. The past few weeks, drivers on the road have irritated me no end.. everyone on the road seems to be in a damn hurry. It annoys me, frustrates me and makes me angry that I am constantly menaced on the road. Some one is always right on my backside.. hovering.... I go the speed limit - so what the hell are they on about?? - I have no idea how I can turn this around to a positive.. (not everyones wife is in labour)......

I have experienced intense emotions all my life. Gee, I don't think I had a beige emotion ever!!!!

Fear from my childhood abuse; confusion, extreme sadness at the death of my first husband when I was 19; sadness, anger, hatred & fear when I was divorced from my second husband; fear when diagnosed with cancer; extreme overwhelming grief when Daisy passed.......

and the others... pure love for my 3rd husband Joe; joy and love at the birth of my 3 children; excitement & bliss for my kindred soulship with Daisy; bliss when I am in my garden...

so why do I constantly focus on the negative ones ??? And what positive meanings can I give to each of the above emotions?? something I will have to ponder deeply I think. I want to change, I do!!!!

During those times in my life when something happened that was life altering.... I would always brush it off flippantly with a retort such as 'when one door closes, another opens' or I'll be fine, I am a survivor, there are worse off than me' and the ultimate: 'everything happens in life for good reason'..... I hated that people felt sorry for me - I hated to be weak in front of people (well, i thought is was weakness, I know better now)

BUT did I believe my flippant retorts?? or did I push my emotions down, letting the fester and now they are blasting to the top???

I don't know - I found this exercise to be difficult for me.... not sure why. But alot is coming up and I guess I am working through it all slowly...

one thing that did come to mind though was a choice that I made many years ago: I chose not to get into a car one night; I went with a girlfriend to pick up my baby from my mums... and let my husband go home to make a cup of tea for us..... he never got there. His car crashed and he was killed.....if I had been in that car, I would not have been here. That was definately a pivotal point in my life.

I had a glorious shower this morning - giving myself a body scrub while I uttered the words: "I am clearing my body of all negative energies and thoughts that do not empower me. I am a strong, wise woman" ~ I didn't get to sit quietly and take myself back into past situations, something that I want to do desperately... and I hope to do that tomorrow.. I think I will try some kind of shamanic journey with it... and tomorrow after noon I am taking myself for a walk to find a stick... I want to make one of those !!!!

day 8 ~ first day of water

2008-11-09T21:05:00.004+11:00

first of all, I want to thank each of you who commented yesterday. I felt overwhelmed with the support that I received.. I am going to print out the comments and stick them into my Soul Journal. All my life, I have been like this.. questioning and saying it how it is... but this is the first time anyone has said 'it is ok' - all my life I have tried to be the nice girl... and i still am but now, i can start to be myself...thankyou

a turning point ~ ooh yes, there has been for me... I feel so much more at peace after my outburst yesterday.... it was like a purging for me... stuff bursts to the top like a volcano. Spilling out like red, angry lava. Is it my ego fighting all the way??? I have come to a sense of calm.... I feel at peace.

so today, first day of water... I sat and journaled my thoughts.... I wrote alot but some things just don't need to go out into the internet.. they are out of my head onto paper and that is good.

'a soul on a spiritual journey' - I like that....

for some reason, I can't remember any definate pivot points in my life... life just seemed to happen to me.. I didn't think much about all that was happening, I just accepted how it was.

As a little girl, my life was more about survival... I remember being scared of being alone..

I know that I have a lack of self love ... " doing this exercise makes me sad. Sad for the woman that I am. Sad that I don't have alot of self esteem, sad that i don't love myself...."

today, I printed the weeks affirmations out and stuck them into my daily diary - then I went out into the garden .. and planted some bean & beetroot seeds.. then I watered them in. I find watering my garden by hand is so peaceful.. I re-arranged my pond plants then sat for quite awhile just watching the pond life.. there are baby tadpoles in there now and my water Lily is sending leaves up to the surface. I cannot wait to see what colour the flower is....

I also decided to tidy the back verandah, something that was one of my de-cluttering exercises that I was going to do last week.. I got stuck into it and before i knew it, I was washing all the split cane chairs and table.... it wasn't until later that I realized that I had actually done a water exercise !!

we went out for dinner and as I sat and chewed each mouthful of food 25 times each - (suggested by the Ayurvedic Dr)... I talked to Joe (husband) about my anger... and we realized that alot of my anger is about my cancer... I did not allow myself to feel the emotions while I was going through the treatments.. I didn't cry in front of people because I didn't want them to feel bad... i didn't scream or shout about it back then, I protected people from my pain, fear and grief and it has been festering... so I am going to take advice given by some of my fellow Soul Coaching friends and I am gonna scream, shout and do whatever it takes to get this anger out.....

day 7 - (I give up), well I did this morning...

2008-11-08T06:46:00.011+11:00

if you read below, you will see that this morning, I quit. I gave up Soul Coaching.. once that decision was made I took myself to the Drs, who promptly told me to stop being so hard on myself.. I came home empty handed.
Then I dug, I dug out my garden, I weeded, I hoed and tied up tomatoes.. I got into the Earth... and I realised that once again, by visting yet another 'practioner' yesterday, I had given my power away... and a small voice inside of me, kept saying, don't give up.. please don't give up. I think it was my Soul self.... so here I am still doing Soul Coaching - but I didn't really participate in much for it today.. I said the affirmations once or twice.. but that's all. "I did good enough"
I realised today, that I have been spending way too much time inside and need to get outside in my garden. THAT is where my passion lies
this afternoon, when I was inside having a cup of tea, I heard a racket out in my apple tree. Going out to have a look at what it was.. a blackbird sitting making noises for me to come out, I am sure. Because once I was there, it broke into song, stopped.. looked at me and sang again and just as it sang, the wind came up, gently blowing all my peace flags, blowing through the rose garden, sprinkling rose petals on the grass like a carpet of pink.. and the blackbird sang.... the day before Daisy's birthday. The same black bird that sang at my birthday, the same one that came and sat near my door the day she died..
then I received this in an email::
Clear negative emotions regularly. Forgive yourself and others and let go of anger, blame and resentment—it only hurts you. Write a letter expressing anger, sadness, hurt, fear, what you really want and what you appreciate. Go to a movie and cry, go into Nature and shout, scream or jump up and down- anything to release the negative or stagnant energy!
(thanks so much to those of you who commented on this post below, earlier and also for emails.. I felt not so alone xo)

I woke this morning feeling not so good in the head, mentally. I made myself my vinegar mix and proceeded to read today's exercise. Well, that was after I wrote 2 pages of how sick & tired I am of things... sick of searching for the meaning of life, sick of having to worry about saying things in the right way incase i attract negative things into my life, sick, sick, sick!! Then to read that I am to find the meaning or purpose of my life today, just sent me over the edge. That is what I have damn well been doing ever since I can remember. Ever since I was a little girl, who sat on her bed, looking out at the stars at night, wondering why she was here. Ever since i was a teenager, trying different spiritual hats on. Ever since way back when. And I am a tad tired of it...

I am no closer in finding the meaning or purpose to my life, despite all the self-help books that I read. All I have done is wasted time.

so I have decided to stop the process.

I am going to go to the Drs and see if I can get some thing to help me cope. I feel like a failure, but I cannot go through life like this anymore.

I went to see an ayurvedic Doctor yesterday, hoping I would get some help with my allergies.. I came away $180 poorer clutching two bottles of pills and an eating plan.. and he told me I am to jog in a track suit working up a sweat everyday, so that my digestive fire can get going again. oh please, that is the last thing i want to do.

I am tired of it all. I eat mostly organic, I don't smoke, I exercise, I do yoga and I meditate. Hell, I don't even take chemicals for headaches. My whole life focuses on being as healthy as I possibly can.
I am tired of having to pay people to 'fix' me.. $80 here for a counsellor, $100 there for someone else to tell me that I have an angry liver, $75 here, $60 there - on and on it goes. I resent having to pay people for something that is my birthright....

I know this is a very angry post & I know I am not being gentle with myself.. and I will probably change my mind later today...
but you know, I don't even believe the affirmation right now: who I am is enough. Yeah right.

day 6 ~ an odd sort of day

2008-11-07T22:32:00.005+11:00

Denise described me to a T. I am absolutely full of internal clutter - thinking(constantly), analyzing(constantly), rationalizing; plus chastising and berating myself(constantly). Most times I don't realize I am doing it because I have been doing it for so long. My mind runs away for ages before I notice I am doing this to myself.

I had a very odd day today - I woke with all good intentions. Then I decided that maybe I could clean out my stored emails & clean up my yahoo chat list... Daisy is still on there and I have many of her emails from when I first met her... so I emailed Gemma & asked her to hold my hand in support, as I thought that it may be time for me to 'let Daisy go' .. then went to visit Cats in the Kitchen.... not a good idea. I cried and sobbed as I read her story, when I realized that I will never get to meet her in this life.. so it is definately still not time for me to let her go fully....(funny thing is, that this weekend would have been her birthday... synchronicity??)

it has been a harrowing day with one thing and another & all I could do today was utter the affirmation. But that's ok.

(for those of you who are wondering who Daisy is, you can read about her here: Daisy's blog)

daY fivE ~ breathing a sigh of relief

2008-11-06T14:32:00.007+11:00

*phew* yesterday, I felt like I had been through the wringer.. I went to bed, confused and soul sad... talking to Mary Magdalene as I went off to sleep, begging her to be with me and to let me know that she was.. one can only hope.....

I woke early with a freshness to my soul. The sun was shining and today was a new day. Even my sinuses were clear.. so I did my morning ritual and started working on today's reading.......the wind from the past few days had dropped to a gentle breeze ~ a gentle energy for the Earth and myself ~ we are one. Reading today's affirmation made me gasp - because that is exactly how I felt.

I opened the windows wide, so that the fresh air & energy could blow through my home. blowing any stale energy out and filling it with fresh, vibrant energy....
My home is truly a refuge for my soul ~ I have strived for that for a few years now. When people visit here, I can sometimes see a change in their soul while they sit and have tea - a peace comes over them. That, gives me joy.

I wandered around my home -noticing little things that need to be decluttered, making notes to myself & noticed that my kitchen is probably one room where my energy wanes... it is always clean but for the life of me, i cannot keep it tidy.. a note to self to do a major declutter in the next few weeks... most of my cupboards were tidied during my spring clean - but there are a few areas that I could do again. I decided to do one area today and that was my dining table.. a collector of bits.. a place where things are put that need to be put away... so i put things away, through things out and polished the table... tomorrow, I will pick a bunch of spring roses to put in the middle for the weekend.

Later in the afternoon, I went outside to do the exercise that was suggested.. just sitting on a bench in my garden & started to breathe. The air was warm, balmy, going into my nostrils and as I sat with my eyes closed, the wind started to blow. gently at first then stronger and cooler. My hair was moving gently around my face. The wind was blowing around me and through me until I was one with the wind... my whole body became air as I sat and stated the affirmation to my SELF three times. I feel so excited and energised now and cannot wait to see what tomorrow brings!!

I am still having difficulty catching those negative ego voices though,.. if anyone has any ideas on how to deal with them, please let me know.. ta!

day Four:and I thought this was going to be easy or: what a struggle - (it's all too hard) ~ thoughts from my journal today....a long post!

2008-11-05T15:37:00.014+11:00

to begin with: last night, before I went to bed, I did a little writing in my journal.. I was panicking that this book, that this process wasn't working ..because I didn't have much clutter to clear out (although I have since realised that my laundry is just as out of control as my wardrobe is).. but it seems, after reading today's letter, I am clearing alot of mental clutter rather than physical.

I woke this morning and began doing my morning ritual, but I could not settle to meditation or to grounding myself... my mind wandered all over the place, until I took myself in hand and made myself at least do my protection ritual....

after reading today's exercise, knowing I can just observe my out of control thoughts rather than doing something about them, helped me to relax. Usually I ponder my thoughts, analyze and try to work through them with frenzy. Sometimes to the point of despair then I give up.

I had such a hard time with the affirmation. The past 3 days, perfectly remembered and being said throughout the day.. but today? I could not for the life of me remember the affirmation, I had to keep checking back to see what it was.. I love and accept who I am and who I am is enough ~ I wondered if anyone did tell me how wonderful I was when I was a little girl.. I know Nana & Pa did.. but did I believe it way back then?

... there is a constant voice in my head whispering :"forget all of this, just get on with life. No-one else you know bothers to try to work out what they are about. They just live their lives, day to day"
~ I think this is my ego starting to panic... you see, this is the third time I have attempted to do this Soul Coaching book.. I first bought it about 2 years ago, started to work through it, got to where i am now: Day four week one.. 'it's all too hard'. Put it into my cupboard and gave up. It was easier than trying to battle the voice. My ego self is frightened, I don't know why but it is. Having the group to work with is fantastic. I am going to push through this !!!

a life belief for me is "it's all too hard" - that pretty much sums it up.. whenever I want to do something, that is what i hear... even with this, like I said.. I hear 'it's all too hard'...

one thought that has been going over and over in my mind today is that I do have a lack of self love.. and one of my soul purposes is to Love Myself.. and this lack of self love definately takes me away from my source....

~ I love the photo of Jesus.. his heart open with love coming from his heart chakra.. I feel so comforted and loved when I look at this

I lost it this morning... I felt so confused & alone. panicking about today's affirmation, having to fight it all the way. I was dusting and glanced up at a vintage tin photo of Sacred Heart Jesus and burst into tears.. i ended up standing there sobbing, talking away to him.. but feeling 'guilty' all the while, asking a Christian icon for help (of course, I know in my heart that Jesus went to Cornwall - hence my soul connection to Mary Magdalene..... I read somewhere: 'there was an interesting bloodline and cultural heritage injected into Cornish culture when the close circle of Jesus followers escaping persecution after the crucifixion arrived in Cornwall and set about establishing the earliest christian churches known to the world. That type of early and pure Christianity had a total understanding and respect for nature and its powers and was more what we would consider to be pagan now. It spread rapidly throughout Cornwall and became the culture there. All the early churches were named after these disciples which came to be known as saints. Apparently Mary Magdalene was one of them and she was the mother of Jesus' children, hence the Holy Grail.')
....I have a constant battle with the use of the word God. I try to use Goddess or Universe but it just does not sit right with me. So I use God because it sounds familiar and has a comforting feel for me. But when I use it, I feel like I have to explain to those who use other terms..

so as you can see, today for me, was totally off topic.

even the wind made me tired today. I felt it was all such an effort (it's too hard), a drain on my energy. I know it is resistance but why am I so fearful of letting go and of change?

but to end the day I went for a lovely long walk in Leura, breathing in the crisp, clean mountain air... found two white feathers and took delight in the gardens..
positives? I made an appointment for this Friday to see an ayurvedic practioner, something I have been wanting to do for sometime..and sang along to Fleetwood Mac - the Chain & Dreams, ahh Stevie Nicks....

day 3 ~ i wanted to know what clarity meant

2008-11-04T17:46:00.002+11:00

there is Clarity within me and around me ~ when I read these words, I thought 'what the hell does clarity mean?'.. oh I had a vague meaning in my head but it didn't quite fit.... so I jotted a note to myself as i wrote my morning Soul Coaching pages... all the while sipping my apple cider vinegar and honey mixture.. something my Grandma did every morning and I have taken it as my own. ...

so I sat and read today's reading.. thinking of de-cluttering, wondering what I could de-clutter, as just the past few weeks I have been spring cleaning with a frenzy. My bedroom is done every week - washing the sheets, dusting and vacuuming so that doesn't need doing... however, I guess my top drawer could do with a tidy up AND THEN THERE IS MY WARDROBE, A PLACE WHERE NO MAN(or woman for that matter) DARES GO... an absolute disaster area.. but too big a job for today.... it is in my mind to do it and I will get around to it soon. I promise myself.. and I will do it.

breathing in Self acceptance, breathing out self judgement - ooh a big thing for me.. something I do struggle with....

so. there is Clarity within me and around me.... Clarity: clearness of thought; a splendour; a brightness; a radiance...

yes, like the wind/air has started to blow gently through my soul. blowing away negative thinking, judgment of self & lack of self love - making room for the divine being that I truly am, to shine. and showing me who I am meant to be: a soul full of love & light.
the blowing wind/the element of Air through Soul Coaching is showing me a clear-ness, a splendour, a brightness & radiance that is within me. Something that I never knew or accepted was there..

I went to the Gym this morning.. and as I did the circuit, I focused on my breathing... noticing where i had difficulty.. and today's song? SMACKWATER JACK - sung by Carole King and myself!! it is such a shame that we don't 'let it all hang loose' more often - we worry about rules, regulations, what is right, techniques.. all the time stifling our inner light with our negative thoughts .. maybe there is a lesson here for me

Today was a little bit of a struggle for me.. a few 'ego' thoughts of 'wasting time', and ' you won't complete it' .... I think the struggle was more that I felt that I didn't do alot with the book today. I had a little rest, it is cold today so I snuggled and when I started to feel guilty about that, I reminded myself of my commitment to be kind and gentle with myself... I haven't been able to walk this week yet.. it has been raining at the times I was planning on it... but I have been sitting in Sacred Space, looking out the window at the wind blowing the trees and the dark rain clouds... not much more I can do til it fines up.

day two already!

2008-11-03T21:23:00.004+11:00

I woke early this morning to the movement of the butterflies hanging over my bed, fluttering in the breeze that was created by my movements in bed.. immediately they reminded me of Daisy.(she sent them to me just before she died)

I wondered why it is so easy for me to believe that AIR exists, even though I can't see it. And why I find it so difficult to believe in Spirit, the ancestors and all the other guidance and help from beyond - all those spiritual things I can't see either, I constantly question. I never question air or wind, I just accept that they are there, that they exist. why is that? what is the difference?

while I was doing my morning blessings and my breathing, the wind came up and blew strongly outside the door, through the maple tree, rocking the branches. I noticed the iron candle holder that hangs in the tree, swaying in the breeze. I could not see the wind but here again was an example in believing in something that I cannot see.. a lovely gentle reminder from God: - to trust in those things that I cannot see.

I also realized that I breathe quite shallowly, not letting my belly relax, something I must work on. Later on in the day, the wind was gusting and the sheets were flapping in the breeze like over sized flags... it is amazing how windy it has been since Beltane.. and the beginning of my Soul Coaching journey. The air fluctuates between warm to quite cold.. Springtime in the mountains!

I actually struggled with today's task.. what kind of thing could i choose as a commitment to myself? The list was full of things I do anyway and I wanted to push myself, get out of my comfort zone.. so I thought for awhile and then it came to me like a huge prod.
SING!! YES, that will help me breathe and also help me get past feeling silly ..
so I made a commitment to sing to one song each day and it must be a gutsy, loud song. Today, I chose 'Ring of Fire' and sang along with The Man in Black
plus I also promised myself that the computer will go off at 9pm every night. that will be difficult !!

honouring my commitment to myself and others:
what are my commitments to myself, besides the new one I made today??
to be kind to myself, to be gentle with myself...
what were the commitments that I made to my SELF before I came here to live this life on Earth??
and what about commitments to others?? something I struggle with sometimes - take for instance, saying i will do something for someone, or taking on a job at a charity function or on a committee or even saying yes to a day spa with a friend, then realizing that I just cannot do it; physically, mentally or emotionally. Then having to say how I feel, stating my truth. I am honouring a commitment to myself (not to do something i don't want to do) but I am also not honouring a commitment that I made to some one else - letting someone down......

not even sure if I explained it very well here.. I guess it is all about balance.

I actually started to clear my verandah this afternoon too - something that I have been putting off for months, hanging more prayer flags up to blow in the wind seemed like the perfect thing to do for AIR week. Off to yoga tonight, I must take note of how I go with my breathing.......

who am I? what are my core beliefs?? welcome to day 1, week 1

2008-11-02T19:03:00.002+11:00

I woke this morning and did my usual breathing meditation. With the door open to the crisp morning air, I breathed it in and realised how truly blessed I am to live in such an unpolluted part of the world. The air was crisp, cool and damp from the rain that was drizzling outside. It was a joy to be able to breathe it in. Then turning my thoughts to noises, I hear the dripping of rain on leaves and lots of birds singing, twittering in the early morning.

I printed out all the affirmations for the week and stuck them into my daily diary then lit my candles and as I lit each candle I said the affirmation for today:~

" my evaluation of myself is not who I am"

this affirmation, struck a cord with me... I started to think about how I evaluate myself and realised that I do tend to be very hard on my self - body & soul (I guess I knew this before anyhow) but it really hit home when I started to say the affirmation throughout the day.. it made me actually want to hug the woman who is constantly criticised by herself..

it was raining all day, so a perfect time to sit, read today's exercises and write in my journal...

to bring joy into my life, to continue to find inner peace, to have a strong relationship with God through meditation and prayer, to remember to forgive myself and others, to let go of my past, to laugh......

I wish to work on my frustrations, my bitterness and my anger.. but being aware of it in the first place is a big step towards healing.....working towards being even healthier......

reading today's pages, I also realised that I am a courageous person ...I never thought of myself as being courageous - people told me i was courageous when I had cancer, but I would brush it off.. saying I had to do what I had to do... but now i know that I did have courage because even though I didn't want to have treatment, even though i was afraid, petrified, I worked through those emotions and did the treatments that were needed. That is courage... (Page 23)

I sat on my cane lounge, covered in a blanket and watched the breeze outside.. a gentle breeze nothing like the gale of Friday.... how quickly the weather changes! I was going to clean my verandah, but today was cold so I will do that one day this week.... i do struggle with 'understanding my inner rules and beliefs'... I know they are there but I just cannot seem to uncover them.. or put them into words... hopefully this week, I will discover this hidden piece of myself..

a Sacred Contract & my altar to start with..

2008-11-01T07:15:00.001+11:00

November 1st here in Woodford. The day that Soul Coaching begins.... below is my Sacred Contract to myself for my journey through the book by Denise Linn.... later today I am going to create my altar for my journey, with a little ritual and meditation

this afternoon, I set up my altar ... I think this will be a work in progress as I travel along the Soul Coaching road this month.. adding bits as I go..
to start with: St. Therese, Kwan Yin and a statue of a Goddess are my representations of spirit.. also a picture of Mother Mary with rays of healing coming from her hands.. a dream bowl from Sr.K, an owl and my wand, a candle and incense ...