day 7 - (I give up), well I did this morning...

if you read below, you will see that this morning, I quit. I gave up Soul Coaching.. once that decision was made I took myself to the Drs, who promptly told me to stop being so hard on myself.. I came home empty handed.
Then I dug, I dug out my garden, I weeded, I hoed and tied up tomatoes.. I got into the Earth... and I realised that once again, by visting yet another 'practioner' yesterday, I had given my power away... and a small voice inside of me, kept saying, don't give up.. please don't give up. I think it was my Soul self.... so here I am still doing Soul Coaching - but I didn't really participate in much for it today.. I said the affirmations once or twice.. but that's all. "I did good enough"
I realised today, that I have been spending way too much time inside and need to get outside in my garden. THAT is where my passion lies
this afternoon, when I was inside having a cup of tea, I heard a racket out in my apple tree. Going out to have a look at what it was.. a blackbird sitting making noises for me to come out, I am sure. Because once I was there, it broke into song, stopped.. looked at me and sang again and just as it sang, the wind came up, gently blowing all my peace flags, blowing through the rose garden, sprinkling rose petals on the grass like a carpet of pink.. and the blackbird sang.... the day before Daisy's birthday. The same black bird that sang at my birthday, the same one that came and sat near my door the day she died..
then I received this in an email::
Clear negative emotions regularly. Forgive yourself and others and let go of anger, blame and resentment—it only hurts you. Write a letter expressing anger, sadness, hurt, fear, what you really want and what you appreciate. Go to a movie and cry, go into Nature and shout, scream or jump up and down- anything to release the negative or stagnant energy!
(thanks so much to those of you who commented on this post below, earlier and also for emails.. I felt not so alone xo)

I woke this morning feeling not so good in the head, mentally. I made myself my vinegar mix and proceeded to read today's exercise. Well, that was after I wrote 2 pages of how sick & tired I am of things... sick of searching for the meaning of life, sick of having to worry about saying things in the right way incase i attract negative things into my life, sick, sick, sick!! Then to read that I am to find the meaning or purpose of my life today, just sent me over the edge. That is what I have damn well been doing ever since I can remember. Ever since I was a little girl, who sat on her bed, looking out at the stars at night, wondering why she was here. Ever since i was a teenager, trying different spiritual hats on. Ever since way back when. And I am a tad tired of it...

I am no closer in finding the meaning or purpose to my life, despite all the self-help books that I read. All I have done is wasted time.

so I have decided to stop the process.

I am going to go to the Drs and see if I can get some thing to help me cope. I feel like a failure, but I cannot go through life like this anymore.

I went to see an ayurvedic Doctor yesterday, hoping I would get some help with my allergies.. I came away $180 poorer clutching two bottles of pills and an eating plan.. and he told me I am to jog in a track suit working up a sweat everyday, so that my digestive fire can get going again. oh please, that is the last thing i want to do.

I am tired of it all. I eat mostly organic, I don't smoke, I exercise, I do yoga and I meditate. Hell, I don't even take chemicals for headaches. My whole life focuses on being as healthy as I possibly can.
I am tired of having to pay people to 'fix' me.. $80 here for a counsellor, $100 there for someone else to tell me that I have an angry liver, $75 here, $60 there - on and on it goes. I resent having to pay people for something that is my birthright....

I know this is a very angry post & I know I am not being gentle with myself.. and I will probably change my mind later today...
but you know, I don't even believe the affirmation right now: who I am is enough. Yeah right.

day 6 ~ an odd sort of day

Denise described me to a T. I am absolutely full of internal clutter - thinking(constantly), analyzing(constantly), rationalizing; plus chastising and berating myself(constantly). Most times I don't realize I am doing it because I have been doing it for so long. My mind runs away for ages before I notice I am doing this to myself.

I had a very odd day today - I woke with all good intentions. Then I decided that maybe I could clean out my stored emails & clean up my yahoo chat list... Daisy is still on there and I have many of her emails from when I first met her... so I emailed Gemma & asked her to hold my hand in support, as I thought that it may be time for me to 'let Daisy go' .. then went to visit Cats in the Kitchen.... not a good idea. I cried and sobbed as I read her story, when I realized that I will never get to meet her in this life.. so it is definately still not time for me to let her go fully....(funny thing is, that this weekend would have been her birthday... synchronicity??)

it has been a harrowing day with one thing and another & all I could do today was utter the affirmation. But that's ok.

(for those of you who are wondering who Daisy is, you can read about her here: Daisy's blog)

daY fivE ~ breathing a sigh of relief

*phew* yesterday, I felt like I had been through the wringer.. I went to bed, confused and soul sad... talking to Mary Magdalene as I went off to sleep, begging her to be with me and to let me know that she was.. one can only hope.....

I woke early with a freshness to my soul. The sun was shining and today was a new day. Even my sinuses were clear.. so I did my morning ritual and started working on today's reading.......the wind from the past few days had dropped to a gentle breeze ~ a gentle energy for the Earth and myself ~ we are one. Reading today's affirmation made me gasp - because that is exactly how I felt.

I opened the windows wide, so that the fresh air & energy could blow through my home. blowing any stale energy out and filling it with fresh, vibrant energy....
My home is truly a refuge for my soul ~ I have strived for that for a few years now. When people visit here, I can sometimes see a change in their soul while they sit and have tea - a peace comes over them. That, gives me joy.

I wandered around my home -noticing little things that need to be decluttered, making notes to myself & noticed that my kitchen is probably one room where my energy wanes... it is always clean but for the life of me, i cannot keep it tidy.. a note to self to do a major declutter in the next few weeks... most of my cupboards were tidied during my spring clean - but there are a few areas that I could do again. I decided to do one area today and that was my dining table.. a collector of bits.. a place where things are put that need to be put away... so i put things away, through things out and polished the table... tomorrow, I will pick a bunch of spring roses to put in the middle for the weekend.

Later in the afternoon, I went outside to do the exercise that was suggested.. just sitting on a bench in my garden & started to breathe. The air was warm, balmy, going into my nostrils and as I sat with my eyes closed, the wind started to blow. gently at first then stronger and cooler. My hair was moving gently around my face. The wind was blowing around me and through me until I was one with the wind... my whole body became air as I sat and stated the affirmation to my SELF three times. I feel so excited and energised now and cannot wait to see what tomorrow brings!!

I am still having difficulty catching those negative ego voices though,.. if anyone has any ideas on how to deal with them, please let me know.. ta!

day Four:and I thought this was going to be easy or: what a struggle - (it's all too hard) ~ thoughts from my journal today....a long post!

to begin with: last night, before I went to bed, I did a little writing in my journal.. I was panicking that this book, that this process wasn't working ..because I didn't have much clutter to clear out (although I have since realised that my laundry is just as out of control as my wardrobe is).. but it seems, after reading today's letter, I am clearing alot of mental clutter rather than physical.

I woke this morning and began doing my morning ritual, but I could not settle to meditation or to grounding myself... my mind wandered all over the place, until I took myself in hand and made myself at least do my protection ritual....

after reading today's exercise, knowing I can just observe my out of control thoughts rather than doing something about them, helped me to relax. Usually I ponder my thoughts, analyze and try to work through them with frenzy. Sometimes to the point of despair then I give up.

I had such a hard time with the affirmation. The past 3 days, perfectly remembered and being said throughout the day.. but today? I could not for the life of me remember the affirmation, I had to keep checking back to see what it was.. I love and accept who I am and who I am is enough ~ I wondered if anyone did tell me how wonderful I was when I was a little girl.. I know Nana & Pa did.. but did I believe it way back then?

... there is a constant voice in my head whispering :"forget all of this, just get on with life. No-one else you know bothers to try to work out what they are about. They just live their lives, day to day"
~ I think this is my ego starting to panic... you see, this is the third time I have attempted to do this Soul Coaching book.. I first bought it about 2 years ago, started to work through it, got to where i am now: Day four week one.. 'it's all too hard'. Put it into my cupboard and gave up. It was easier than trying to battle the voice. My ego self is frightened, I don't know why but it is. Having the group to work with is fantastic. I am going to push through this !!!

a life belief for me is "it's all too hard" - that pretty much sums it up.. whenever I want to do something, that is what i hear... even with this, like I said.. I hear 'it's all too hard'...

one thought that has been going over and over in my mind today is that I do have a lack of self love.. and one of my soul purposes is to Love Myself.. and this lack of self love definately takes me away from my source....

~ I love the photo of Jesus.. his heart open with love coming from his heart chakra.. I feel so comforted and loved when I look at this

I lost it this morning... I felt so confused & alone. panicking about today's affirmation, having to fight it all the way. I was dusting and glanced up at a vintage tin photo of Sacred Heart Jesus and burst into tears.. i ended up standing there sobbing, talking away to him.. but feeling 'guilty' all the while, asking a Christian icon for help (of course, I know in my heart that Jesus went to Cornwall - hence my soul connection to Mary Magdalene..... I read somewhere: 'there was an interesting bloodline and cultural heritage injected into Cornish culture when the close circle of Jesus followers escaping persecution after the crucifixion arrived in Cornwall and set about establishing the earliest christian churches known to the world. That type of early and pure Christianity had a total understanding and respect for nature and its powers and was more what we would consider to be pagan now. It spread rapidly throughout Cornwall and became the culture there. All the early churches were named after these disciples which came to be known as saints. Apparently Mary Magdalene was one of them and she was the mother of Jesus' children, hence the Holy Grail.')
....I have a constant battle with the use of the word God. I try to use Goddess or Universe but it just does not sit right with me. So I use God because it sounds familiar and has a comforting feel for me. But when I use it, I feel like I have to explain to those who use other terms..

so as you can see, today for me, was totally off topic.

even the wind made me tired today. I felt it was all such an effort (it's too hard), a drain on my energy. I know it is resistance but why am I so fearful of letting go and of change?

but to end the day I went for a lovely long walk in Leura, breathing in the crisp, clean mountain air... found two white feathers and took delight in the gardens..
positives? I made an appointment for this Friday to see an ayurvedic practioner, something I have been wanting to do for sometime..and sang along to Fleetwood Mac - the Chain & Dreams, ahh Stevie Nicks....

day 3 ~ i wanted to know what clarity meant

there is Clarity within me and around me ~ when I read these words, I thought 'what the hell does clarity mean?'.. oh I had a vague meaning in my head but it didn't quite fit.... so I jotted a note to myself as i wrote my morning Soul Coaching pages... all the while sipping my apple cider vinegar and honey mixture.. something my Grandma did every morning and I have taken it as my own. ...

so I sat and read today's reading.. thinking of de-cluttering, wondering what I could de-clutter, as just the past few weeks I have been spring cleaning with a frenzy. My bedroom is done every week - washing the sheets, dusting and vacuuming so that doesn't need doing... however, I guess my top drawer could do with a tidy up AND THEN THERE IS MY WARDROBE, A PLACE WHERE NO MAN(or woman for that matter) DARES GO... an absolute disaster area.. but too big a job for today.... it is in my mind to do it and I will get around to it soon. I promise myself.. and I will do it.

breathing in Self acceptance, breathing out self judgement - ooh a big thing for me.. something I do struggle with....

so. there is Clarity within me and around me.... Clarity: clearness of thought; a splendour; a brightness; a radiance...

yes, like the wind/air has started to blow gently through my soul. blowing away negative thinking, judgment of self & lack of self love - making room for the divine being that I truly am, to shine. and showing me who I am meant to be: a soul full of love & light.
the blowing wind/the element of Air through Soul Coaching is showing me a clear-ness, a splendour, a brightness & radiance that is within me. Something that I never knew or accepted was there..

I went to the Gym this morning.. and as I did the circuit, I focused on my breathing... noticing where i had difficulty.. and today's song? SMACKWATER JACK - sung by Carole King and myself!! it is such a shame that we don't 'let it all hang loose' more often - we worry about rules, regulations, what is right, techniques.. all the time stifling our inner light with our negative thoughts .. maybe there is a lesson here for me

Today was a little bit of a struggle for me.. a few 'ego' thoughts of 'wasting time', and ' you won't complete it' .... I think the struggle was more that I felt that I didn't do alot with the book today. I had a little rest, it is cold today so I snuggled and when I started to feel guilty about that, I reminded myself of my commitment to be kind and gentle with myself... I haven't been able to walk this week yet.. it has been raining at the times I was planning on it... but I have been sitting in Sacred Space, looking out the window at the wind blowing the trees and the dark rain clouds... not much more I can do til it fines up.

day two already!

I woke early this morning to the movement of the butterflies hanging over my bed, fluttering in the breeze that was created by my movements in bed.. immediately they reminded me of Daisy.(she sent them to me just before she died)

I wondered why it is so easy for me to believe that AIR exists, even though I can't see it. And why I find it so difficult to believe in Spirit, the ancestors and all the other guidance and help from beyond - all those spiritual things I can't see either, I constantly question. I never question air or wind, I just accept that they are there, that they exist. why is that? what is the difference?

while I was doing my morning blessings and my breathing, the wind came up and blew strongly outside the door, through the maple tree, rocking the branches. I noticed the iron candle holder that hangs in the tree, swaying in the breeze. I could not see the wind but here again was an example in believing in something that I cannot see.. a lovely gentle reminder from God: - to trust in those things that I cannot see.

I also realized that I breathe quite shallowly, not letting my belly relax, something I must work on. Later on in the day, the wind was gusting and the sheets were flapping in the breeze like over sized flags... it is amazing how windy it has been since Beltane.. and the beginning of my Soul Coaching journey. The air fluctuates between warm to quite cold.. Springtime in the mountains!

I actually struggled with today's task.. what kind of thing could i choose as a commitment to myself? The list was full of things I do anyway and I wanted to push myself, get out of my comfort zone.. so I thought for awhile and then it came to me like a huge prod.
SING!! YES, that will help me breathe and also help me get past feeling silly ..
so I made a commitment to sing to one song each day and it must be a gutsy, loud song. Today, I chose 'Ring of Fire' and sang along with The Man in Black
plus I also promised myself that the computer will go off at 9pm every night. that will be difficult !!

honouring my commitment to myself and others:
what are my commitments to myself, besides the new one I made today??
to be kind to myself, to be gentle with myself...
what were the commitments that I made to my SELF before I came here to live this life on Earth??
and what about commitments to others?? something I struggle with sometimes - take for instance, saying i will do something for someone, or taking on a job at a charity function or on a committee or even saying yes to a day spa with a friend, then realizing that I just cannot do it; physically, mentally or emotionally. Then having to say how I feel, stating my truth. I am honouring a commitment to myself (not to do something i don't want to do) but I am also not honouring a commitment that I made to some one else - letting someone down......

not even sure if I explained it very well here.. I guess it is all about balance.

I actually started to clear my verandah this afternoon too - something that I have been putting off for months, hanging more prayer flags up to blow in the wind seemed like the perfect thing to do for AIR week. Off to yoga tonight, I must take note of how I go with my breathing.......

who am I? what are my core beliefs?? welcome to day 1, week 1

I woke this morning and did my usual breathing meditation. With the door open to the crisp morning air, I breathed it in and realised how truly blessed I am to live in such an unpolluted part of the world. The air was crisp, cool and damp from the rain that was drizzling outside. It was a joy to be able to breathe it in. Then turning my thoughts to noises, I hear the dripping of rain on leaves and lots of birds singing, twittering in the early morning.

I printed out all the affirmations for the week and stuck them into my daily diary then lit my candles and as I lit each candle I said the affirmation for today:~

" my evaluation of myself is not who I am"

this affirmation, struck a cord with me... I started to think about how I evaluate myself and realised that I do tend to be very hard on my self - body & soul (I guess I knew this before anyhow) but it really hit home when I started to say the affirmation throughout the day.. it made me actually want to hug the woman who is constantly criticised by herself..

it was raining all day, so a perfect time to sit, read today's exercises and write in my journal...

to bring joy into my life, to continue to find inner peace, to have a strong relationship with God through meditation and prayer, to remember to forgive myself and others, to let go of my past, to laugh......

I wish to work on my frustrations, my bitterness and my anger.. but being aware of it in the first place is a big step towards healing.....working towards being even healthier......

reading today's pages, I also realised that I am a courageous person ...I never thought of myself as being courageous - people told me i was courageous when I had cancer, but I would brush it off.. saying I had to do what I had to do... but now i know that I did have courage because even though I didn't want to have treatment, even though i was afraid, petrified, I worked through those emotions and did the treatments that were needed. That is courage... (Page 23)

I sat on my cane lounge, covered in a blanket and watched the breeze outside.. a gentle breeze nothing like the gale of Friday.... how quickly the weather changes! I was going to clean my verandah, but today was cold so I will do that one day this week.... i do struggle with 'understanding my inner rules and beliefs'... I know they are there but I just cannot seem to uncover them.. or put them into words... hopefully this week, I will discover this hidden piece of myself..