the last day of fire....day 21

Phew.. only one more week to go! where has the time gone..
this morning when I woke up, I found that there was alot of creating to be done.. however, we are off for the night to a Harley Davidson christmas party and I won't get of a chance there to do much at all.. so I quickly grabbed a handful of magazines, my scissors and a glue stick and proceeded to find some pictures that signified abundance to me..... and as I searched I realized that all my choices were simple ones... a basketful of home grown vegies, a handful of herbs freshly picked from the garden.. little girls, smiles, jam and tea cups... and love.....

and then as I chose a card from Carolyn Myss Archetype cards, I asked myself: 'if my soul had something to tell me today, what would it be' - ... a card fell out of the pack - NUN... can you believe it?? I had to laugh at the Divine's sense of humour...

and tomorrow (Sunday for me) I am off to do a SoulCollage workshop.. life is indeed good and i am blessed.

Day 20 - a wish

when I read the affirmation today, I sighed with relief

I AM a loving spiritual being. ....

and as I continued to read, I realized that I was reading my dream,

my wish for life

to love, to pray, to be kind and compassionate - ALWAYS.

This is all I ask for..... so be it.

a story about facing death..onto Day 19

Death does not bother me one bit. Death has been around me FOR-ever. My grandma died on my 10th birthday and I was introduced to death at that early age.. then became a widow at 19.. hell, I didn't understand it at all. I was plunged into a world that I didn't choose. Then life went along merrily until death visited me again and I miscarried my 3rd pregnancy at 18 weeks.. death and grieving once again.

Skipping through life.. oneday I was under the pine tree, where the faeries live.. swinging with gay abandon.. letting my inner child out to play... thinking how blessedly wonderful my life was... two days later I was diagnosed with cancer. What can I say?
When I was told of all the treatments I would be having, my first reaction was: I would rather be in a coffin, no way am I going to do that.. and I was prepared to die. Truly.

But then I realised that I was being selfish. I had a loving family and I had a chance to fight for my life to be with them until the day I was supposed to leave this earth.. whether it was that day, a time after my treatment, or years in the future...
so I agreed to the treatments and each day for 5 weeks I would trot off to the radiation unit and be zapped. Each day, I faced my own death, because I had no idea if this was going to work. I just had to have faith. (and I keep saying I don't have any!!)

I had a near death experience too - when I had my tubes tied.. I stopped breathing and there was someone at the end of my bed, his name was Michael. I don't know who he was but he was so loving, I just didn't want to come back.. but he said i must... then I heard the nurses yelling, 'breathe, Robyn, breathe' and I was back.. so you see, I am not afraid of dying....

I don't know if I can say I am ready to die now. i have had a wonderful life... I don't want to die because I think of leaving my husband who is my soul mate and I do panic.. and there are things that I wish I could do.. like study herbs or travel to Peru and Cornwall... but if I died today or now.. I would be ok with it.. it is just i hate to think of the sadness and grief that those left behind experience... so yes, I am ok with dying myself. I just hate it when other people die. I hate grief. Hate it with a passion. I hate how it tears at your heart and doesn't go away. But I am not scared to die. Actually it will be quite exciting because then I will find out what life is all about !!

when I had cancer, I made a resolve to make my life more peaceful, calm and quiet..to take time out to just be.. not quite sure if I achieved that, probably not.. but today I re-commit to:
living in the present moment, to let go of all negative thoughts, to remember that I AM a Divine Immortal being and that I am loved by God.. that I am not separate from God.

oh and I did my little ritual!! wondering what the hell I could burn.. I decided on burning one of my cancer test results... and as it burned down to ash, i saw myself as a brilliant white light - perfect, whole and complete....

day 18 ~ what can I say?

the day dawned absolutley brilliantly. Misty and raining. I love days like this - they stir something deep in my soul. I don't know what. Makes me want to put on some gum boots and go walking, thinking, with my hands deep in my pockets. Lost to the world in thought.

i love the affirmation - absolutely perfect. This is what I want to do, this is what I wish to be like.. the pure light of the sun in my heart and shining out to the world...

Living in the present moment is age-old.. I have read it in many, many books.. and have been told it many, many times.. but i forget. I forget to do it... I have a mind that constantly goes into the past and into the future.. worrying, agonising..

where does it come from? where does it originate from? My mum? further back to a time when I wasn't born? did my ancestors worry? It doesn't matter Robyn. what matters is that you have to the power to change it.

today as my thoughts wandered I started to think of how far I have come.. how I seem to be more peaceful, more understanding, less judgemental and I was proud of myself.. until the ego started on at me "proud of yourself?? that is not very humble. humility is what you should be striving for.. you are so vain." - is it ok to be proud of your spiritual journey? or is humility something I must strive for?? all I want really is to one with God. That is all I ask.

I have this burning love & desire to be at peace with my God. I think my mind is getting things mixed up between 'soul coaching' and 'eat, pray love'... I am reading both and they are crossing over into my thoughts and journalling...

day 16 & 17 - non events

I have had a headache.... a migraine actually. I think it is from all this soul searching as well as trying to read a New Earth, which I just cannot get into... then of course, I started to stress that I was not 'enlightened' - because according to the book, if you can't get into it and it doesn't make sense and is meaningless then I am not ready to be awakened.....so it has gone to the bottom of my pile. I am also reading 'Eat, Pray, Love' (for a bit of light reading!!) - and it is fantastic.. it is the 2nd time I have read it and I am going to take a leaf from this book and just speak to God, .. bypass the ancestors and guides & go directly to the top to the Source... Tell the Divine all my worries and concerns and ask God to fix it.. I think I will write a letter tonight.

When I developed the headache, I made myself go outside into the fresh air and garden. So I spent 2 hours pulling borage out, planting cucumbers and mulching my beans... grounding is what I need right now... but I digress......

the past few days have been non-events on the Soul Coaching journey for me.. day 16 all about routine.. and i am a routine girl all the way. I need it. I thrive on it. So there is no way I am going to change my routine.... and joy? oh how I struggle with it. I have been a serious soul since I was a child. Like I am on a mission and nothing is going to take my focus from it... but I gotta get me some joy, if it is the last thing I do....
day 17 - not much happened today, the migraine killed any type of soul work. I slept & gardened that is about it...my energy level is really low.. maybe I am just not ready to face my shadow self.. maybe my headache is my soul needing a break... whatever it is- I hope that by tomorrow I will be back on deck..

Day 15 - I am safe.. facing my fears

today, it was cold enough to have our fire going!!
when I first read this mornings entry,I thought 'oh geez, fears.'.. then I sat and pondered on my fears. I am not sure i have any or if I do, they are deeply hidden.. when I was little I was fearful that I would not get to Heaven.. scared witless by the threat of hell, fire and brimstone. Funny thing is, I do not have fear of cancer.. i did have a fear of recurrence but I worked through that. Sometimes I get an overwhelming fear of Joe, my husband dying.. but I sit and breathe and work through that immediately. I don't know where the fear comes from or why it happens when it does.. but at least I can sort it out and quickly !!

oh and I have the usual fears:

I am absolutely petrified of dogs.. not the little yappy kind, but those big & savage breeds. The kind that snarl and snap through iron gates as you walk past. The ones that make you think that if they managed to scale the fence, then you would be mauled to death. The types of dogs that make me break into a sweat when I hear them barking. My mind starts panicking, my heart beat goes up. Yes, they scare me.. and there is no way I am going to face that by 'going into the lions' den' so I will live with the fear and walk in different areas.

oh and snakes of course. Sometimes, I wish I could live in Ireland. where there are no snakes. Here in Australia, our snakes are venomous and quick. And most of them stand their ground if you happen to stumble across them. Plus they do not keep to their own area, they sometimes come into my garden. I live in fear all summer.. but I guess I do face that fear by continuing to garden. There is no way I will become a snake charmer to get over it..

I guess I have fears like are mentioned in the book.. like going to jail.. but that probably won't ever happen, so I am not going to spend time worrying about it.

Most of my fears have something to do with my belief & spiritual self. I am fearful of ridicule and persecution of my beliefs.. a past life issue i am sure. I am fearful of my powerful magickal self.. and I know that I constantly make light of my 'healing' abilities.. I am fearful of someone seeing me if I am in my Sacred circle performing magick.

I also have a deep seated fear and I truly cannot put it into words but will try: I am frightened of allowing myself to believe fully in the Divine. I am fearful of letting go fully and believing - just incase it all isn't true. I like to have some hold on things in my life, just incase the Divine doesn't hear me, or doesn't help me. I am frightened of surrendering my soul fully. For fear of being let down. I don't know why I am like this, maybe it is a past life issue.. wherever it comes from, I don't know how to change. How do I face this fear? I don't know. But I believe that bit by bit as I chip away by doing things like Soul Coaching.. then oneday, I will wake up and that fear will be gone. One can only hope.