last day of water - some hate but a whole lotta love

early morning thoughts from my journal:
there is one last thing that I must rid myself of. One that really makes me a victim and that is my anger about my cancer. 8 years ago. Time to let it go.
"I feel angry and bitter that I was treated like I was during my cancer. I hate what it did to my body and my mind. I hate that my oncologist had no bedside manner & made my experience with cancer worse than it should have been. I hate that she advised radiation treatment when really, I didn't need it. I could have been monitored to see how it progressed before the drastic measures were taken.".....
what have I gained from this situation?? why am I allowing this to victimize me?? How can I change my perception of this so I don't feel victimized??

I don't know - maybe I have learned to stand up and fight for my own health, I have learnt alot about natural therapies and herbal remedies, I have gained strength of character.. who knows.. all I know is that I must release this victim thinking about my cancer. I must. so that I can move on. How do I do that?"

this morning as I sat blessing my breakfast, I was overcome with a feeling of total peace and I felt like clapping my hands in glee!! I felt like I had 'ARRIVED'.
I woke to a brilliant overcast drizzly day, perfect for the last day of water. And although I had planned spending the day in my garden, I was thankful for the rain, watering my garden as well as giving me the opportunity to make the time to tidy my front verandah and create a sacred space where i can do my yoga early in the morning. so that was the area I chose to clean today... and my affirmation as I did so?: "my channel to the Divine is clear & open"

after I finished cleaning the verandah, the sun had started to shine, so i took myself out into the garden to weed the paths and tidy up the gardens - decluttering my paths of weeds... and my mind started to wander... I don't know if i had any negative thoughts, because truthfully, I wasn't taking any notice.. maybe I did, maybe they just came and went.. and then I realized that sometimes, ya just gotta forget about analyzing the thoughts, you've got to just forget about trying to catch them, because if you don't you will send yourself totally nuts..

and as I weeded, working out where to make my Sacred Grotto, I looked up and there was a perfect red rose, a single rose. Simple. 5 petals. red. Thankyou Mary Magdalene.

I didn't realize how my garden affected others, but after all the lovely comments yesterday, I now realize that by sharing it, even if only on the internet, I can bring peace to other people. I wish each of you could visit.. we could take tea and have a cup cake under the pine tree where faeries live ......

day 13 - on gratitude and being blessed

being a Simple Abundance devotee, gratitude is something I know about. But do I feel gratitude as often as I could? No. Do I find five things to be grateful for each day? No. Even though I went out last week and bought myself a gorgeous new journal to be my Gratitude Journal, it sits waiting on the table, to be opened and used. Today is the day that I will start to remember all those things in my life to be grateful for..... and blessed? Oh yes. I am so blessed in life, I know. I don't have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. I have a gorgeous home that I love. A man who is my best friend
and I know I am blessed when I see this kind of thing every day:

I mean, who could not but help feel gratitude when they have a garden like this.. yes, I am blessed.

I have more to be grateful for too: birds singing in my garden, my pond, being able to walk in Katoomba, one of the most gorgeous areas one Earth, right on my doorstep. My local organic food co-op. Blogging friends who have stuck by me through my spritual journey, through the dark days of my soul..there are so many more... I am indeed a blessed woman...

and of course I have some that I am not so grateful for:

Hayfever - doesn't matter how much I try, I can't find a positive for this unless of course I count all the research that I do in alternative medicine to find a cure...

Lack of sleep.. thinking, thinking, thinkin.. no definately no positive thing I can find for that. There just is not one...

and the death of Daisy before I got to meet her.. I will never find a positive.. although her death threw me into a whirlpool of grief where I had to claw my way out..discovering parts of me I didn't know existed..

Oh lord - look in the mirror? geez. how hard is this?? All I see are the dark circles under my eyes and I start to judge. I feel like an absolute dill when I do this. But I will try. I will look past the physical and look deep into my eyes, to who I really am. And I will say - I love you...

Each morning when i go outside to greet the new day, I look around my garden and sigh with absolute pure pleasure - yes, I am blessed and I am grateful

day 12 _ ahh at last - peace & stillness

I am preparing Full Moon Water tonight - so my still water will be sipped tomorrow morning when I greet the new day.

today, a perfect day. Even the affirmation spilled directly from my soul, with no effort at all...

I have been aware of and trying to go slow in my daily life, for awhile now.. at breakfast, I sit with my plate and do reiki over my food, sending healing energy into it, blessing it and saying thankyou to Mother Earth for providing me with nourishment. As I bless the food, I imagine the origins - a sunny field of organic oats, a contented cow in green pasture, bees buzzing happily or a field of sugar cane ripening in the sun..... then I eat my breakfast slowly....when I catch myself racing during the day, I stop and remind myself to go slow... life is a journey not a race.

My day was perfect. The blackbird sat in the ancient apple tree & sang for half an hour while I washed up.... I saw where I can create my grotto to the Goddess....and I felt my Creator. I was driving up the road when my heart chakra started to ache, like it was breaking open and tears started to flow.... for no reason except I was at peace and I felt loved...... I am even beginning to know that my ancestors are with me. Like I have purged my soul over the past few days, cleansing my self and opening to all that is.

(day 10 - thoughts) and day 11 - at last Spirit!!!

yesterday as you know i didn't get to post... I had my Wise Woman Circle, where we worked with Isha Lerner Inner Child cards and I was just too washed out to even think of doing any Soul Coaching work... I did make some notes but truthfully - I am having a struggle this week. A month or so ago, I worked through the book 'Something More' by Sarah Ban Breathnach and we covered alot of what has been in Soul Coaching the past few days and I just don't feel up to uncovering more at the moment.. so I am being gentle with myself, following my intuition.

a few thoughts from yesterdays notes: "the affirmation clicked finally with me while sitting at my Wise Woman circle: "I am moving into harmony with everything - including myself".... I find walking in Katoomba a real energy juicer for me. It is a power spot for my soul. I can just walk and recharge and I feel blessed that I live in such a magickal powerful place.. as I have said before, in the past, I have suppressed emotions - not good - my liver is the organ that absorbs all of these emotions, and I believe is on toxic overload because of them..." so there you go, not much from Day 10

onto day 11:

At the moment, I feel that I am not really participating in Soul Coaching in the way I 'should'... I keep forgetting about what I am 'supposed' to be doing each day... going merrily along my way then at the end of the day, I think :'oh shoot, I forgot to notice my emotions, I didn't say the affirmation enough' - etc, etc. Then I feel like I have 'failed'...... I am having a dreadful struggle this week, to actually catch the negative thought patterns. (and now I will worry because according to many self-help books, that sentence may manifest) - but I truly don't know if I can change this negative thinking pattern and that worries me - alot. I WANT TO CHANGE!!!

my whole life cannot continue to revolve around this soul journey, all the time. I mean ya gotta live & sometimes life - just is.

and at last - some bloody questions about spirit !!! thank God.

I guess I get spiritual inspiration from everywhere. Sometimes I wish I were a person who followed one path - life would be simpler. But no, I dabble.

and the name of Spirit? ooh something else i struggle with as i have mentioned. thinking i 'should' call the creator either the Universe (doesn't make awhole lot of sense to me) or the Goddess... - but God sits right, feels familiar I guess. But then I struggle with the whole christian patriarchal system... but for the time being God it is.

I don't understand the whole concept of God. Is God a separate entity who helps us through life? Or are we God and God is us?? - if I am God, then why don't I love myself as God supposedly does? (yes, deep questions, these are the types of questions I have asked all my life. Father Michael our local priest many years ago, would run when he saw me coming, truly. I was also sent home from Sunday school when I was about 10 for asking too many questions)

and what do I want Spirit to know about me??

Dear Spirit,

I struggle with my Spirit, but I guess you already know that.. seeing as you are with me always. I need help. I desperately need to let go of negative thinking, so that my soul is at peace. I want to stop searching and struggling with my soul journey and JUST BELIEVE. And I wish to know how to begin to love myself...

and of course I am willing to let go... and allow Spirit to guide my life. Can someone tell me how??

after sitting quietly: I just realized that my purpose in life is to love myself. I go through life, reading self help books.. asking advice from many different people, trying to fix myself.. when I am not broken. I am perfect the way I am. This is something I must remember.... & another profound thought: 'when I believe in 'others', the unseen... then I will begin to believe in myself.....

the Universe is amazing... I just did an online flower card reading: flower reading and I got Passion Flower... perfect for me right now... Like Krishna and Christ before him, Satya Sai Baba knows the true meaning of I Am Consciousness. He asks that we all recite the following prayer many times a day: " I Am God, I Am Not Separate From God. Remember who you are. Blessings."

day 9 ~

I had to laugh when I read Denise's reasoning for rude drivers. The past few weeks, drivers on the road have irritated me no end.. everyone on the road seems to be in a damn hurry. It annoys me, frustrates me and makes me angry that I am constantly menaced on the road. Some one is always right on my backside.. hovering.... I go the speed limit - so what the hell are they on about?? - I have no idea how I can turn this around to a positive.. (not everyones wife is in labour)......

I have experienced intense emotions all my life. Gee, I don't think I had a beige emotion ever!!!!

Fear from my childhood abuse; confusion, extreme sadness at the death of my first husband when I was 19; sadness, anger, hatred & fear when I was divorced from my second husband; fear when diagnosed with cancer; extreme overwhelming grief when Daisy passed.......

and the others... pure love for my 3rd husband Joe; joy and love at the birth of my 3 children; excitement & bliss for my kindred soulship with Daisy; bliss when I am in my garden...

so why do I constantly focus on the negative ones ??? And what positive meanings can I give to each of the above emotions?? something I will have to ponder deeply I think. I want to change, I do!!!!

During those times in my life when something happened that was life altering.... I would always brush it off flippantly with a retort such as 'when one door closes, another opens' or I'll be fine, I am a survivor, there are worse off than me' and the ultimate: 'everything happens in life for good reason'..... I hated that people felt sorry for me - I hated to be weak in front of people (well, i thought is was weakness, I know better now)

BUT did I believe my flippant retorts?? or did I push my emotions down, letting the fester and now they are blasting to the top???

I don't know - I found this exercise to be difficult for me.... not sure why. But alot is coming up and I guess I am working through it all slowly...

one thing that did come to mind though was a choice that I made many years ago: I chose not to get into a car one night; I went with a girlfriend to pick up my baby from my mums... and let my husband go home to make a cup of tea for us..... he never got there. His car crashed and he was killed.....if I had been in that car, I would not have been here. That was definately a pivotal point in my life.

I had a glorious shower this morning - giving myself a body scrub while I uttered the words: "I am clearing my body of all negative energies and thoughts that do not empower me. I am a strong, wise woman" ~ I didn't get to sit quietly and take myself back into past situations, something that I want to do desperately... and I hope to do that tomorrow.. I think I will try some kind of shamanic journey with it... and tomorrow after noon I am taking myself for a walk to find a stick... I want to make one of those !!!!

day 8 ~ first day of water

first of all, I want to thank each of you who commented yesterday. I felt overwhelmed with the support that I received.. I am going to print out the comments and stick them into my Soul Journal. All my life, I have been like this.. questioning and saying it how it is... but this is the first time anyone has said 'it is ok' - all my life I have tried to be the nice girl... and i still am but now, i can start to be myself...thankyou

a turning point ~ ooh yes, there has been for me... I feel so much more at peace after my outburst yesterday.... it was like a purging for me... stuff bursts to the top like a volcano. Spilling out like red, angry lava. Is it my ego fighting all the way??? I have come to a sense of calm.... I feel at peace.

so today, first day of water... I sat and journaled my thoughts.... I wrote alot but some things just don't need to go out into the internet.. they are out of my head onto paper and that is good.

'a soul on a spiritual journey' - I like that....

for some reason, I can't remember any definate pivot points in my life... life just seemed to happen to me.. I didn't think much about all that was happening, I just accepted how it was.

As a little girl, my life was more about survival... I remember being scared of being alone..

I know that I have a lack of self love ... " doing this exercise makes me sad. Sad for the woman that I am. Sad that I don't have alot of self esteem, sad that i don't love myself...."

today, I printed the weeks affirmations out and stuck them into my daily diary - then I went out into the garden .. and planted some bean & beetroot seeds.. then I watered them in. I find watering my garden by hand is so peaceful.. I re-arranged my pond plants then sat for quite awhile just watching the pond life.. there are baby tadpoles in there now and my water Lily is sending leaves up to the surface. I cannot wait to see what colour the flower is....

I also decided to tidy the back verandah, something that was one of my de-cluttering exercises that I was going to do last week.. I got stuck into it and before i knew it, I was washing all the split cane chairs and table.... it wasn't until later that I realized that I had actually done a water exercise !!

we went out for dinner and as I sat and chewed each mouthful of food 25 times each - (suggested by the Ayurvedic Dr)... I talked to Joe (husband) about my anger... and we realized that alot of my anger is about my cancer... I did not allow myself to feel the emotions while I was going through the treatments.. I didn't cry in front of people because I didn't want them to feel bad... i didn't scream or shout about it back then, I protected people from my pain, fear and grief and it has been festering... so I am going to take advice given by some of my fellow Soul Coaching friends and I am gonna scream, shout and do whatever it takes to get this anger out.....