Tuesday, September 22, 2009

not thank God it is Friday.. but thank God it is the end of week 5 - a week of silly questions

once again for me, The Artists Way is coming back to faith, trust and belief in a God/Goddess/Creator.. call it what you will.. I just don't believe that prayers are answered.. coming from a family constantly telling me to get up off my knees, because God never did us any favours.. God helps those who help themselves.. but when I do pray (and that is not very often) I utter the words, hold my breath, not really expecting them to be answered and if they are.. I tell my self it is just fate..
I find it very difficult to believe in the Worlds abundance is there for everyone, when I look at the world, the poor and the starving - do they not pray?? and then when I do pray and ask for 'things' I feel guilty because there are thousands, millions, alot less fortunate than I am.. so I tell myself I must be happy with my lot

am I not getting something here in the book???

I really, really struggle with this belief in Spirit, it is a real struggle for me.. has been all my life.. like I am not quite 'game' to fully trust that there is something bigger than me.. just incase there isn't and I am let down again.

I just don't' get where any of the exercises are taking me... they don't make a whole lot of sense.. like what would I do if it weren't too selfish? go live in an ashram?? or what would I try if it weren't too crazy?? what the hell kind of question is that? what is crazy? jumping of a bridge?.. just do not get where this is going.. week 5 *sigh* all that I seemed to do was write loads of rubbish.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

syncronicity to test me on the Artists Way

months ago, I booked myself into a weekend retreat which is coming up in November. I have paid half of the cost so far.. this workshop is given by an Aboriginal woman and is not a regular thing, only coming up once or twice a year. Last time I booked into it, I had to cancel because of family circumstances.... I am looking forward to this, we sit around in circle and create our own spirit stick.. (and MinMia's health is failing and I may not get another chance at a workshop with her... and I know that her gathering will help me connect to Australia and may even uncover some Aboriginal ancestry)

just today, my mother called and told me that they are having an 80th birthday party for her partner.. and that they are also getting married. After 21yrs together, they have decided to tie the knot for his 80th... but it is on the same weekend as my retreat. I told her ages ago about this and what date it was and now they have gone ahead and booked a hall and all the other trappings that goes with something like this. I asked if she could change the date, but really it is all too much for her to do.. I understand that. But I don't want to give my retreat up. I know this sounds very selfish. I have offered to go down the next weekend after 'the wedding' and take them out to lunch.. but all I get is 'your sister is coming'.. and guilt rears it's ugly head. Inside a voice screeches 'what about me??". .. I know not one of you can tell me what to do. This is a personal decision.. I just have to laugh at the synchronicity of Chapter 5 and this happening...all related to what Julia Cameron calls 'The Virtue Trap" and being self destructive... dammit, I want to put myself first for once and I want to feel ok with that.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

week 4 ~ a bit on the dull side

besides not doing my morning pages once, and only giving up reading for a day.. not much else happened. I was absolutely exhausted from babysitting my grandson Harry.. so when i got to sleep in each morning, I took the chance!! i will admit I did feel guilty.. but i got past that quick smart..

I did most of my tasks, while sitting in the chair at the hairdressers, having my hair coloured by youngest daughter... and worked in my soul journal (otherwise known as my Book of Shadows and Light).. I wrote a letter to myself from a younger me and I realized one thing: my whole life as a child was bereft of fun and silliness - i have always been so serious about life as I doggedly travel my spiritual path, doing it right.. head down, get on with it. I truly do not know how to let my little girl have fun. If I blow bubbles, I feel silly. If I go on a swing, I feel like I am wasting time... and on it goes. That is one thing I must sort out. I think if I do that, then maybe the art will flow from my soul.

a few skills I would love to have: to be able to cut vegies skillfully like a chef. be able to create pottery, hairdressing, to be able to ride my own Harley Davidson.

hobbies that sound like fun: pottery, scuba diving, snorkelling, prawning

classes that sound like fun: pottery classes

things that I would never dream of doing:bungee jumping, skydiving, hot air ballooning... but that said, I also said once that I would never get on the back of a motor bike.. and I love it now!!

see there is a kind of theme running here.. pottery and funnily enough, last week in our paper there was an ad for pottery classes nearby my home.. and I have put my name down!!

I also realized, that I must, simply must make time each day to meditate; I found this ages ago about meditation:
just concentrate on the form of meditation you have chosen. and do not be in a hurry to see results, the moment you worry about progress, you regress. relax. practice your method. the kind of method you choose is not as important as the way you approach it. be patient. practice serenely. don't worry about reaching aims. just practice. enlightenment is a by-product rather than the main goal. development comes as it comes. enlightenment comes when you least expect it... (author unknown to me)

and where would I like to live? - i would love to live somewhere green. rolling hills in the distance, a small brook and a copse of trees, nearby would be sacred wells and standing stones. magick pathways along the river banks. a place that would touch my soul and feed all my senses.....

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Week 3 ~ jammed packed full of stuff.

the past week for me has been an emotional rollercoaster.. from the absolute devestation of the break-up of my Wild Woman group to the birth of my grandson.. and many things in between, including memories throughout the Artist way journey.. way too much to even begin to put down here.. things that I know I must deal with for my own spiritual journey.

I found it difficult to even begin to find traits that Ilike in myself as a child, because you see, I didn't know myself. I was wrapped in some kind of fog blanket, going through the motions of life. I was a little girl who did what she was told, was very insecure and felt beneath other people. a little girl who searched for the meaning of life...
however, I know that I was studious and loved to learn, always applying myself to the task or lesson at hand. And I loved to read.

I worked through all the tasks from Week 3, just as if I were that little girl.. now I need to put them into my Soul Journal, otherwise known as my Book of Shadows and Light.

one thing I did realize as I read through Chapter 3 and shame, was that I always, always put obstacles up whenever I think about doing a workshop, course or some kind of study. I get caught up in a fear of committment. I then realized that it was deeply rooted in my childhood.. where my parents did not have enough money for further education, so it was never encouraged.. make do with your lot was what I was constantly told. And that has stayed with me until now.
Now that I can afford to do study, I still throw up obstacles..not enough time, can't really afford it as it is a luxury, too frightened of not being able to retain information and failing tests,what's the point of studying anyhow, it is of no use to me now.... why, oh why do I do this?
while I was reading, I realized that I would love to study Astrology and Feng-shui... but that old fear comes up. Now I am at the point of working through that fear ...

other thoughts that came up in my journal: Learning to trust myself, to believe in myself is probably the most important thing I could do. My most cheer me up music is: Edith Piaf/French cafe. My favourite way to dress is Bohemian style. favourite foods: celery with salt, apples with salt. buttered finger buns.
I need to make time to meditate, to balance & cleanse my energies...
and another thing was that I do not totally believe in my spiritual journey... I have not fully let go of it.. I still hold a string of control, just incase ... I feel as if I am play acting. Many people I know are 100% sure of their beliefs.. I still don't 100% believe that there is a spirit world, a God, beings on the other side helping me... hmmm how can I change that?? is that a trust issue? I just want to stand firm in my belief and TOTALLY LIVE IT, BREATHE IT AND BELIEVE IN WHAT I DO.