Sunday, September 20, 2009

syncronicity to test me on the Artists Way

months ago, I booked myself into a weekend retreat which is coming up in November. I have paid half of the cost so far.. this workshop is given by an Aboriginal woman and is not a regular thing, only coming up once or twice a year. Last time I booked into it, I had to cancel because of family circumstances.... I am looking forward to this, we sit around in circle and create our own spirit stick.. (and MinMia's health is failing and I may not get another chance at a workshop with her... and I know that her gathering will help me connect to Australia and may even uncover some Aboriginal ancestry)

just today, my mother called and told me that they are having an 80th birthday party for her partner.. and that they are also getting married. After 21yrs together, they have decided to tie the knot for his 80th... but it is on the same weekend as my retreat. I told her ages ago about this and what date it was and now they have gone ahead and booked a hall and all the other trappings that goes with something like this. I asked if she could change the date, but really it is all too much for her to do.. I understand that. But I don't want to give my retreat up. I know this sounds very selfish. I have offered to go down the next weekend after 'the wedding' and take them out to lunch.. but all I get is 'your sister is coming'.. and guilt rears it's ugly head. Inside a voice screeches 'what about me??". .. I know not one of you can tell me what to do. This is a personal decision.. I just have to laugh at the synchronicity of Chapter 5 and this happening...all related to what Julia Cameron calls 'The Virtue Trap" and being self destructive... dammit, I want to put myself first for once and I want to feel ok with that.


Tori said...

It seems like putting yourself first is never the hard part, it's being okay with it.

I once had a teacher who said when he was a child one of his teachers asked the class who the most important person in their lives was. After each student had given their answer he looked at them and said "The way I see it is if you didn't answer that you were the most importtant person in your life then you got that wrong."

That little story has stuck with me because of times when I feel like this. I worry about not wanting to disappoint this person or that person, but then I realize I should worry more about not disappointing myself.

Meredith said...

Oh, Robyn... that's terrible.

I can empathize with your feelings on this. My mother is the one person who can do things like this to me, and I'll fall into the virtue trap over and over. Just as if I were programmed. Which, in a way, I am... and she was responsible for much of the self-defeating programming.

Of course I cannot tell you what to do. I have thought about it a bit after reading, and I have no idea what *I* would do. Sigh. It's an important moment for your mom, I get that. But how inconsiderate she's being! (Just something to think about: is she often inconsiderate of your feelings and wishes? It seems almost weirdly coincidental, this thing.)

I might do what my mother taught me so long ago, and that is to stick to my word and *honor the prior commitment*, whatever that is and however it makes me feel.
(And in this case, I think it might be the better choice for your soul.) That is, if I could get up the courage...

Serena said...

OH Robyn, this sort of thing happens to me more often than I would like. I usually always bend to suit my family as they are very important in my life but it really does address the issue Julia points out, doesn't it? That we need to put ourselves first and let others label us as selfish if they want to. So much easier to say than to do. I wish you contentment with whatever choice you make.