the past week for me has been an emotional rollercoaster.. from the absolute devestation of the break-up of my Wild Woman group to the birth of my grandson.. and many things in between, including memories throughout the Artist way journey.. way too much to even begin to put down here.. things that I know I must deal with for my own spiritual journey.
I found it difficult to even begin to find traits that Ilike in myself as a child, because you see, I didn't know myself. I was wrapped in some kind of fog blanket, going through the motions of life. I was a little girl who did what she was told, was very insecure and felt beneath other people. a little girl who searched for the meaning of life...
however, I know that I was studious and loved to learn, always applying myself to the task or lesson at hand. And I loved to read.
I worked through all the tasks from Week 3, just as if I were that little girl.. now I need to put them into my Soul Journal, otherwise known as my Book of Shadows and Light.
one thing I did realize as I read through Chapter 3 and shame, was that I always, always put obstacles up whenever I think about doing a workshop, course or some kind of study. I get caught up in a fear of committment. I then realized that it was deeply rooted in my childhood.. where my parents did not have enough money for further education, so it was never encouraged.. make do with your lot was what I was constantly told. And that has stayed with me until now.
Now that I can afford to do study, I still throw up obstacles..not enough time, can't really afford it as it is a luxury, too frightened of not being able to retain information and failing tests,what's the point of studying anyhow, it is of no use to me now.... why, oh why do I do this?
while I was reading, I realized that I would love to study Astrology and Feng-shui... but that old fear comes up. Now I am at the point of working through that fear ...
other thoughts that came up in my journal: Learning to trust myself, to believe in myself is probably the most important thing I could do. My most cheer me up music is: Edith Piaf/French cafe. My favourite way to dress is Bohemian style. favourite foods: celery with salt, apples with salt. buttered finger buns.
I need to make time to meditate, to balance & cleanse my energies...
and another thing was that I do not totally believe in my spiritual journey... I have not fully let go of it.. I still hold a string of control, just incase ... I feel as if I am play acting. Many people I know are 100% sure of their beliefs.. I still don't 100% believe that there is a spirit world, a God, beings on the other side helping me... hmmm how can I change that?? is that a trust issue? I just want to stand firm in my belief and TOTALLY LIVE IT, BREATHE IT AND BELIEVE IN WHAT I DO.
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4 comments:
your experience as a little girl sounds very similar to my own. i lived in my older sister's shadow and was very shy and insecure. i think i lived in my own imaginary world back then, however, i do remember some fun times with my brothers and sisters. like you, i loved to learn too. back then, it was pretty much viewed by my parents that my brothers would be the breadwinners and my sisters and i would get married and have kids so further education was not important for us girls.
i'm not really sure how to advise you re. your spiritual confusion as it is such a personal thing. i think it has more to do with faith, than trust. i don't think you can force it but maybe take note on how you approach the various spiritual beliefs. even though i was baptised and raised Roman Catholic, i have a very strong belief in more spiritual aspects now. i don't believe in God per se but i do believe in a greater power/consciousness/source. give yourself time....and be gentle with yourself.
Set yourself free to learn. It doesn't have to cost anything or only a little really. Just take small steps....
Start with books, the internet, and meeting people! Text books to me is what it is..textbooks. Find like minded people and share your dreams and goals.
Great post!
I could not write down anything that I liked about myself as a child. Even now I look back and cringe. A lot of what you say in this post I can relate to.
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