Sunday, November 30, 2008
Jamie is an angel, she has plucked me from a sea of anger, confusion and self pity by organising this Soul Coaching journey. I will be forever grateful. big hugs and much bliss to you Jamie.
Yesterday, I needed to be by myself for a little while.. so I got up bright and early and went into my garden. I weeded and I pondered. And I felt a peace that I have never felt before... after a little while - I asked Joe if we could go for a ride.. I needed to get into a Zen space.. and the back of the bike is one place that I can be completely by on my own. So we rode for awhile and I started to smile..and I started to cry because this peace & love that I am feeling comes from gratitude... gratitude for the little boy sitting next to his dad in the Fire Truck.. looking so excited. Gratitude for the butterfly that flitted past my face as we rode along... gratitude that I am alive, happy and at peace and gratitude that I have finally found JOY.
bless you all for supporting and encouraging me. I am back at my everday blog Inglewood.. and The Enchanted Forest is open for the month of December.. please come by for a visit... the link in on the side bar here...
and yes, I have been helped to peel back layers of my onion, layers of my self....
onto today's exercise: LOVE - oh yes, I wish to be the essence of love. PURE LOVE... I go through my day, trying to beam love out to all who pass my way. So that they may feel loved when I am around. I still struggle with not accepting other people's faults. I still get frustrated when people don't see that I have changed and am wanting to be peaceful, loving and kind.. cause sometimes I wasn't.. sometimes I was angry and it showed.... part of me feels like slapping them and shaking them and telling them that I have changed and I am the essence of love, can't they see that?????..... standing back, I see that this is totally defeating the purpose and I laugh out loud - it has to be my ego trying to keep my in line.. trying to keep me angry and lost and I stamp my feet and I will not allow my ego to control me or my life for one second more.. yes, I will stumble and fall but during this past month, I have learned to accept this, to stand up, brush my knees and continue trying. And I will try and I will succeed
Saturday, November 29, 2008
forward to the future:
what an amazing spiritual journey I have had this past year.... the aboriginal initiation ceremony was fantastic. Even though at first I was apprehensive about going all that way by myself.. I did it!
Walking in our bush as often as I could helped me to connect to the land that I was born to. I actually started to talk and commune with our native spirits. They have guided me and instructed me on how to make my very own flower essences.
I am so proud of myself that I actually signed up for and completed a few natural health workshops. I loved the workshops and plan on doing more next year. I am so intune with Mother Earth, i sit under the stars regularly and talk to the Moon.....my home is the peaceful sacred place that I have always strived for & Joe and I are more in love now that ever.. I am blessed.... I wrote in my gratitude journal every single day and it shows in my life. Everything in my life is all I could wish for and more. My life is full of love, peace & joy.
and into the real world... for those of you who know about my gorgeous grandson Harry - here is an update & some photos: about Harry
Friday, November 28, 2008
Australia is a wild, ancient land. Full of mystery. It is harsh and forbidding. But it is also wise. It is full of colour that you have never seen. We have a sky that goes forever. More stars at night than you can imagine. And I am beginning to fall in love with it..
with this feeling of being displaced, of not belonging to this ancient land, a foreigner to the land that I was born... today is the perfect day to start believing and feeling that I do belong here. That I am home.
It is time to rid myself of this dis-connectedness once and for all... I can begin to walk through the bush and affirm that I am at home here in Australia.
P.M: can you believe how the Universe works!!! this afternoon, I received an invitation to an initiation ceremony for women. Run by an aboriginal woman to help women reconnect. It is being held next March. so I say YES.!!!!! I will do this. As much as I will be out of my comfort zone, going alone .. I will do it !!!!!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Later in the day, I began to feel a melancholy slip over me, a sadness. I was beginning to feel disconnected and I started to panic. I felt totally lost and alone....utter panic. what can i do? where can i go? who can I talk to??
I had no idea why I was feeling like this....Then realized that it is dark of the moon... so i emailed a few friends, hoping for some wise words and of course I am never let down..one wise soul: "Light candles Robyn, small little ones so they look like stars all around you." and another: "draw a sensuous bath with candle light and perfume and treat yourself with every manner of good thing. The dark of the moon is your powertime and you must summons and invite the strength that is within you to gently hold the sadness with love and surround it with light"... and this i did. I finished cleaning my loungeroom, lit a fire (yes, it is bitterly cold here, we had snow on the weekend.. a few days just before summer!), I pulled the curtains, lit many, many tealights, sat in my big pink chair under a snuggly blanket and I slept. Waking feeling better but still remembering to nurture myself.... making myself a cup of hot tea and a chocolate biscuit (wheat free of course)...
so you see, I was in harmony with the natural rhythm of nature, being affected by the moon!!! It actually made me feel connected once i realized what was happening. It made me feel like i was totally in sync with Earth & my inner wisdom..
But I am a strong, intuitive wise woman !!
When I walk, I mostly walk standing tall and with a confident pace. I hold my head up cause I don't want to miss anything. Sometimes I may have a frown on my face, but that is because I am deep in thought and I know I frown when I think.
I do believe in past lives and I do believe that we have bought some of them with us, strongly, so that we can join them together in this life.. to consolidate our wisdom from our various incarnations... that is my theory or one of them. Sometimes when I go walking I even see myself as a tall priestess. I am not tall in this life at all but I really see this tall woman, striding along in a green dress. that is me and she gives me confidence..
These exercises have been quite easy for me. I do try to exude and aura of inner peace, wisdom & joy. Do I succeed? Sometimes. Sometimes I feel ratty and ungrounded or sometimes totally out of control and that is when I need to centre and ground.
By reading all of these exercises it kind of affirms to me that i am on the right track in my life.... That makes me feel wonderful!! Like getting 100% in an exam. OOPS there goes the ego again: whispering "remember, pride goes before a fall - don't give in to this pride" - oh thanks for that Mr Ego...but I don't believe this anymore. I choose not to.
Monday, November 24, 2008
I have been following an ayurvedic ritual for a few months now.
First thing I do when I wake up is have either a detox drink using either lemon or apple cider vinegar in a glass of warm water. This is something my grandma did and I learned it from her. And each morning, I give myself a massage using black sesame oil. Once a week I massage brahmi oil into my hair and leave it overnight.
I haven't done a dry brush detox in a little while and plan on buying myself another good body brush sometime this week and will do the dry brush on the weekend.
I drink quite alot of water during the day, at least 8 big glasses of warm water.. on my altar I have a jug of water that I bless each day and drink as I go about my day. I would like to share an article that has alot of information about water and digestion: water
today as i went through my day, I was very mindful of each sip of water that I took into my body. I ate quite alot of fruit - cutting up a juicy pineapple for the week.. and thoroughly enjoying a few pieces as I did. I am really fortunate that we have an organic food co-op not far from my home and I can buy most fruits organic.. and at quite reasonable prices. I drank some green tea and also a cup of dandelion tea to help my liver. It was a lovely gentle day for me today... I am feeling so alive!!!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
a little disappointing that I feel like this on the first day of Earth week, when we are connecting with our bodies, because right now, I cannot connect to mine. And even more disappointing was that I was too ill to go to the Soul Collage workshop. I am usually healthy, I follow a very healthy lifestyle and it is beginning to show in my body.. my eyes are clearer, my allergies are lestening and I feel quite healthy. No, make that really healthy
I read through the introduction this morning, but that is all I did.. I think I only said the affirmation once, but I am sure that is ok.. the Goddess can see how ill I am.. so all is forgiven.... but I had to laugh when Denise mentioned digging a hole in the roots of a tree and snuggling. Oh how I wish I could do that... but if I did, the whole while I was snuggling, I would be in a high state of anxiety worrying about funnel web spiders. Or snakes.
I am so, so excited for this week. I love trees, I love dirt. I love nature, the Moon, the stars and hmmm the sun too I suppose... I absolutely love the Earth!!!
(ps. I won't be around to visit blogs tonight, I am going to bed.. but will come by tomorrow sometime.. thanks to all of you who visited me today!!)
UPDATE: just received an email telling me that there is another SoulCollage workshop this Wednesday night... the Divine is indeed good!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
this morning when I woke up, I found that there was alot of creating to be done.. however, we are off for the night to a Harley Davidson christmas party and I won't get of a chance there to do much at all.. so I quickly grabbed a handful of magazines, my scissors and a glue stick and proceeded to find some pictures that signified abundance to me..... and as I searched I realized that all my choices were simple ones... a basketful of home grown vegies, a handful of herbs freshly picked from the garden.. little girls, smiles, jam and tea cups... and love.....
and then as I chose a card from Carolyn Myss Archetype cards, I asked myself: 'if my soul had something to tell me today, what would it be' - ... a card fell out of the pack - NUN... can you believe it?? I had to laugh at the Divine's sense of humour...
and tomorrow (Sunday for me) I am off to do a SoulCollage workshop.. life is indeed good and i am blessed.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Skipping through life.. oneday I was under the pine tree, where the faeries live.. swinging with gay abandon.. letting my inner child out to play... thinking how blessedly wonderful my life was... two days later I was diagnosed with cancer. What can I say?
When I was told of all the treatments I would be having, my first reaction was: I would rather be in a coffin, no way am I going to do that.. and I was prepared to die. Truly.
But then I realised that I was being selfish. I had a loving family and I had a chance to fight for my life to be with them until the day I was supposed to leave this earth.. whether it was that day, a time after my treatment, or years in the future...
so I agreed to the treatments and each day for 5 weeks I would trot off to the radiation unit and be zapped. Each day, I faced my own death, because I had no idea if this was going to work. I just had to have faith. (and I keep saying I don't have any!!)
I had a near death experience too - when I had my tubes tied.. I stopped breathing and there was someone at the end of my bed, his name was Michael. I don't know who he was but he was so loving, I just didn't want to come back.. but he said i must... then I heard the nurses yelling, 'breathe, Robyn, breathe' and I was back.. so you see, I am not afraid of dying....
I don't know if I can say I am ready to die now. i have had a wonderful life... I don't want to die because I think of leaving my husband who is my soul mate and I do panic.. and there are things that I wish I could do.. like study herbs or travel to Peru and Cornwall... but if I died today or now.. I would be ok with it.. it is just i hate to think of the sadness and grief that those left behind experience... so yes, I am ok with dying myself. I just hate it when other people die. I hate grief. Hate it with a passion. I hate how it tears at your heart and doesn't go away. But I am not scared to die. Actually it will be quite exciting because then I will find out what life is all about !!
when I had cancer, I made a resolve to make my life more peaceful, calm and quiet..to take time out to just be.. not quite sure if I achieved that, probably not.. but today I re-commit to:
living in the present moment, to let go of all negative thoughts, to remember that I AM a Divine Immortal being and that I am loved by God.. that I am not separate from God.
oh and I did my little ritual!! wondering what the hell I could burn.. I decided on burning one of my cancer test results... and as it burned down to ash, i saw myself as a brilliant white light - perfect, whole and complete....
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
i love the affirmation - absolutely perfect. This is what I want to do, this is what I wish to be like.. the pure light of the sun in my heart and shining out to the world...
Living in the present moment is age-old.. I have read it in many, many books.. and have been told it many, many times.. but i forget. I forget to do it... I have a mind that constantly goes into the past and into the future.. worrying, agonising..
where does it come from? where does it originate from? My mum? further back to a time when I wasn't born? did my ancestors worry? It doesn't matter Robyn. what matters is that you have to the power to change it.
today as my thoughts wandered I started to think of how far I have come.. how I seem to be more peaceful, more understanding, less judgemental and I was proud of myself.. until the ego started on at me "proud of yourself?? that is not very humble. humility is what you should be striving for.. you are so vain." - is it ok to be proud of your spiritual journey? or is humility something I must strive for?? all I want really is to one with God. That is all I ask.
I have this burning love & desire to be at peace with my God. I think my mind is getting things mixed up between 'soul coaching' and 'eat, pray love'... I am reading both and they are crossing over into my thoughts and journalling...
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
When I developed the headache, I made myself go outside into the fresh air and garden. So I spent 2 hours pulling borage out, planting cucumbers and mulching my beans... grounding is what I need right now... but I digress......
the past few days have been non-events on the Soul Coaching journey for me.. day 16 all about routine.. and i am a routine girl all the way. I need it. I thrive on it. So there is no way I am going to change my routine.... and joy? oh how I struggle with it. I have been a serious soul since I was a child. Like I am on a mission and nothing is going to take my focus from it... but I gotta get me some joy, if it is the last thing I do....
day 17 - not much happened today, the migraine killed any type of soul work. I slept & gardened that is about it...my energy level is really low.. maybe I am just not ready to face my shadow self.. maybe my headache is my soul needing a break... whatever it is- I hope that by tomorrow I will be back on deck..
Sunday, November 16, 2008
when I first read this mornings entry,I thought 'oh geez, fears.'.. then I sat and pondered on my fears. I am not sure i have any or if I do, they are deeply hidden.. when I was little I was fearful that I would not get to Heaven.. scared witless by the threat of hell, fire and brimstone. Funny thing is, I do not have fear of cancer.. i did have a fear of recurrence but I worked through that. Sometimes I get an overwhelming fear of Joe, my husband dying.. but I sit and breathe and work through that immediately. I don't know where the fear comes from or why it happens when it does.. but at least I can sort it out and quickly !!
oh and I have the usual fears:
oh and snakes of course. Sometimes, I wish I could live in Ireland. where there are no snakes. Here in Australia, our snakes are venomous and quick. And most of them stand their ground if you happen to stumble across them. Plus they do not keep to their own area, they sometimes come into my garden. I live in fear all summer.. but I guess I do face that fear by continuing to garden. There is no way I will become a snake charmer to get over it..
I guess I have fears like are mentioned in the book.. like going to jail.. but that probably won't ever happen, so I am not going to spend time worrying about it.
Most of my fears have something to do with my belief & spiritual self. I am fearful of ridicule and persecution of my beliefs.. a past life issue i am sure. I am fearful of my powerful magickal self.. and I know that I constantly make light of my 'healing' abilities.. I am fearful of someone seeing me if I am in my Sacred circle performing magick.
I also have a deep seated fear and I truly cannot put it into words but will try: I am frightened of allowing myself to believe fully in the Divine. I am fearful of letting go fully and believing - just incase it all isn't true. I like to have some hold on things in my life, just incase the Divine doesn't hear me, or doesn't help me. I am frightened of surrendering my soul fully. For fear of being let down. I don't know why I am like this, maybe it is a past life issue.. wherever it comes from, I don't know how to change. How do I face this fear? I don't know. But I believe that bit by bit as I chip away by doing things like Soul Coaching.. then oneday, I will wake up and that fear will be gone. One can only hope.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
there is one last thing that I must rid myself of. One that really makes me a victim and that is my anger about my cancer. 8 years ago. Time to let it go.
"I feel angry and bitter that I was treated like I was during my cancer. I hate what it did to my body and my mind. I hate that my oncologist had no bedside manner & made my experience with cancer worse than it should have been. I hate that she advised radiation treatment when really, I didn't need it. I could have been monitored to see how it progressed before the drastic measures were taken.".....
what have I gained from this situation?? why am I allowing this to victimize me?? How can I change my perception of this so I don't feel victimized??
I don't know - maybe I have learned to stand up and fight for my own health, I have learnt alot about natural therapies and herbal remedies, I have gained strength of character.. who knows.. all I know is that I must release this victim thinking about my cancer. I must. so that I can move on. How do I do that?"
this morning as I sat blessing my breakfast, I was overcome with a feeling of total peace and I felt like clapping my hands in glee!! I felt like I had 'ARRIVED'.
I woke to a brilliant overcast drizzly day, perfect for the last day of water. And although I had planned spending the day in my garden, I was thankful for the rain, watering my garden as well as giving me the opportunity to make the time to tidy my front verandah and create a sacred space where i can do my yoga early in the morning. so that was the area I chose to clean today... and my affirmation as I did so?: "my channel to the Divine is clear & open"
after I finished cleaning the verandah, the sun had started to shine, so i took myself out into the garden to weed the paths and tidy up the gardens - decluttering my paths of weeds... and my mind started to wander... I don't know if i had any negative thoughts, because truthfully, I wasn't taking any notice.. maybe I did, maybe they just came and went.. and then I realized that sometimes, ya just gotta forget about analyzing the thoughts, you've got to just forget about trying to catch them, because if you don't you will send yourself totally nuts..
and as I weeded, working out where to make my Sacred Grotto, I looked up and there was a perfect red rose, a single rose. Simple. 5 petals. red. Thankyou Mary Magdalene.
I didn't realize how my garden affected others, but after all the lovely comments yesterday, I now realize that by sharing it, even if only on the internet, I can bring peace to other people. I wish each of you could visit.. we could take tea and have a cup cake under the pine tree where faeries live ......
Friday, November 14, 2008
and I know I am blessed when I see this kind of thing every day:
I mean, who could not but help feel gratitude when they have a garden like this.. yes, I am blessed.
I have more to be grateful for too: birds singing in my garden, my pond, being able to walk in Katoomba, one of the most gorgeous areas one Earth, right on my doorstep. My local organic food co-op. Blogging friends who have stuck by me through my spritual journey, through the dark days of my soul..there are so many more... I am indeed a blessed woman...
and of course I have some that I am not so grateful for:
Hayfever - doesn't matter how much I try, I can't find a positive for this unless of course I count all the research that I do in alternative medicine to find a cure...
Lack of sleep.. thinking, thinking, thinkin.. no definately no positive thing I can find for that. There just is not one...
and the death of Daisy before I got to meet her.. I will never find a positive.. although her death threw me into a whirlpool of grief where I had to claw my way out..discovering parts of me I didn't know existed..
Oh lord - look in the mirror? geez. how hard is this?? All I see are the dark circles under my eyes and I start to judge. I feel like an absolute dill when I do this. But I will try. I will look past the physical and look deep into my eyes, to who I really am. And I will say - I love you...
Each morning when i go outside to greet the new day, I look around my garden and sigh with absolute pure pleasure - yes, I am blessed and I am grateful
Thursday, November 13, 2008
today, a perfect day. Even the affirmation spilled directly from my soul, with no effort at all...
I have been aware of and trying to go slow in my daily life, for awhile now.. at breakfast, I sit with my plate and do reiki over my food, sending healing energy into it, blessing it and saying thankyou to Mother Earth for providing me with nourishment. As I bless the food, I imagine the origins - a sunny field of organic oats, a contented cow in green pasture, bees buzzing happily or a field of sugar cane ripening in the sun..... then I eat my breakfast slowly....when I catch myself racing during the day, I stop and remind myself to go slow... life is a journey not a race.
My day was perfect. The blackbird sat in the ancient apple tree & sang for half an hour while I washed up.... I saw where I can create my grotto to the Goddess....and I felt my Creator. I was driving up the road when my heart chakra started to ache, like it was breaking open and tears started to flow.... for no reason except I was at peace and I felt loved...... I am even beginning to know that my ancestors are with me. Like I have purged my soul over the past few days, cleansing my self and opening to all that is.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
a few thoughts from yesterdays notes: "the affirmation clicked finally with me while sitting at my Wise Woman circle: "I am moving into harmony with everything - including myself".... I find walking in Katoomba a real energy juicer for me. It is a power spot for my soul. I can just walk and recharge and I feel blessed that I live in such a magickal powerful place.. as I have said before, in the past, I have suppressed emotions - not good - my liver is the organ that absorbs all of these emotions, and I believe is on toxic overload because of them..." so there you go, not much from Day 10
onto day 11:
At the moment, I feel that I am not really participating in Soul Coaching in the way I 'should'... I keep forgetting about what I am 'supposed' to be doing each day... going merrily along my way then at the end of the day, I think :'oh shoot, I forgot to notice my emotions, I didn't say the affirmation enough' - etc, etc. Then I feel like I have 'failed'...... I am having a dreadful struggle this week, to actually catch the negative thought patterns. (and now I will worry because according to many self-help books, that sentence may manifest) - but I truly don't know if I can change this negative thinking pattern and that worries me - alot. I WANT TO CHANGE!!!
my whole life cannot continue to revolve around this soul journey, all the time. I mean ya gotta live & sometimes life - just is.
and at last - some bloody questions about spirit !!! thank God.
I guess I get spiritual inspiration from everywhere. Sometimes I wish I were a person who followed one path - life would be simpler. But no, I dabble.
and the name of Spirit? ooh something else i struggle with as i have mentioned. thinking i 'should' call the creator either the Universe (doesn't make awhole lot of sense to me) or the Goddess... - but God sits right, feels familiar I guess. But then I struggle with the whole christian patriarchal system... but for the time being God it is.
I don't understand the whole concept of God. Is God a separate entity who helps us through life? Or are we God and God is us?? - if I am God, then why don't I love myself as God supposedly does? (yes, deep questions, these are the types of questions I have asked all my life. Father Michael our local priest many years ago, would run when he saw me coming, truly. I was also sent home from Sunday school when I was about 10 for asking too many questions)
and what do I want Spirit to know about me??
I struggle with my Spirit, but I guess you already know that.. seeing as you are with me always. I need help. I desperately need to let go of negative thinking, so that my soul is at peace. I want to stop searching and struggling with my soul journey and JUST BELIEVE. And I wish to know how to begin to love myself...
and of course I am willing to let go... and allow Spirit to guide my life. Can someone tell me how??
after sitting quietly: I just realized that my purpose in life is to love myself. I go through life, reading self help books.. asking advice from many different people, trying to fix myself.. when I am not broken. I am perfect the way I am. This is something I must remember.... & another profound thought: 'when I believe in 'others', the unseen... then I will begin to believe in myself.....
the Universe is amazing... I just did an online flower card reading: flower reading and I got Passion Flower... perfect for me right now... Like Krishna and Christ before him, Satya Sai Baba knows the true meaning of I Am Consciousness. He asks that we all recite the following prayer many times a day: " I Am God, I Am Not Separate From God. Remember who you are. Blessings."
Monday, November 10, 2008
Sunday, November 9, 2008
a turning point ~ ooh yes, there has been for me... I feel so much more at peace after my outburst yesterday.... it was like a purging for me... stuff bursts to the top like a volcano. Spilling out like red, angry lava. Is it my ego fighting all the way??? I have come to a sense of calm.... I feel at peace.
so today, first day of water... I sat and journaled my thoughts.... I wrote alot but some things just don't need to go out into the internet.. they are out of my head onto paper and that is good.
'a soul on a spiritual journey' - I like that....
for some reason, I can't remember any definate pivot points in my life... life just seemed to happen to me.. I didn't think much about all that was happening, I just accepted how it was.
As a little girl, my life was more about survival... I remember being scared of being alone..
I know that I have a lack of self love ... " doing this exercise makes me sad. Sad for the woman that I am. Sad that I don't have alot of self esteem, sad that i don't love myself...."
today, I printed the weeks affirmations out and stuck them into my daily diary - then I went out into the garden .. and planted some bean & beetroot seeds.. then I watered them in. I find watering my garden by hand is so peaceful.. I re-arranged my pond plants then sat for quite awhile just watching the pond life.. there are baby tadpoles in there now and my water Lily is sending leaves up to the surface. I cannot wait to see what colour the flower is....
I also decided to tidy the back verandah, something that was one of my de-cluttering exercises that I was going to do last week.. I got stuck into it and before i knew it, I was washing all the split cane chairs and table.... it wasn't until later that I realized that I had actually done a water exercise !!
we went out for dinner and as I sat and chewed each mouthful of food 25 times each - (suggested by the Ayurvedic Dr)... I talked to Joe (husband) about my anger... and we realized that alot of my anger is about my cancer... I did not allow myself to feel the emotions while I was going through the treatments.. I didn't cry in front of people because I didn't want them to feel bad... i didn't scream or shout about it back then, I protected people from my pain, fear and grief and it has been festering... so I am going to take advice given by some of my fellow Soul Coaching friends and I am gonna scream, shout and do whatever it takes to get this anger out.....
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Then I dug, I dug out my garden, I weeded, I hoed and tied up tomatoes.. I got into the Earth... and I realised that once again, by visting yet another 'practioner' yesterday, I had given my power away... and a small voice inside of me, kept saying, don't give up.. please don't give up. I think it was my Soul self.... so here I am still doing Soul Coaching - but I didn't really participate in much for it today.. I said the affirmations once or twice.. but that's all. "I did good enough"
I realised today, that I have been spending way too much time inside and need to get outside in my garden. THAT is where my passion lies
this afternoon, when I was inside having a cup of tea, I heard a racket out in my apple tree. Going out to have a look at what it was.. a blackbird sitting making noises for me to come out, I am sure. Because once I was there, it broke into song, stopped.. looked at me and sang again and just as it sang, the wind came up, gently blowing all my peace flags, blowing through the rose garden, sprinkling rose petals on the grass like a carpet of pink.. and the blackbird sang.... the day before Daisy's birthday. The same black bird that sang at my birthday, the same one that came and sat near my door the day she died..
then I received this in an email::
Clear negative emotions regularly. Forgive yourself and others and let go of anger, blame and resentment—it only hurts you. Write a letter expressing anger, sadness, hurt, fear, what you really want and what you appreciate. Go to a movie and cry, go into Nature and shout, scream or jump up and down- anything to release the negative or stagnant energy!
(thanks so much to those of you who commented on this post below, earlier and also for emails.. I felt not so alone xo)
I am no closer in finding the meaning or purpose to my life, despite all the self-help books that I read. All I have done is wasted time.
so I have decided to stop the process.
I am going to go to the Drs and see if I can get some thing to help me cope. I feel like a failure, but I cannot go through life like this anymore.
I went to see an ayurvedic Doctor yesterday, hoping I would get some help with my allergies.. I came away $180 poorer clutching two bottles of pills and an eating plan.. and he told me I am to jog in a track suit working up a sweat everyday, so that my digestive fire can get going again. oh please, that is the last thing i want to do.
I am tired of it all. I eat mostly organic, I don't smoke, I exercise, I do yoga and I meditate. Hell, I don't even take chemicals for headaches. My whole life focuses on being as healthy as I possibly can.
I am tired of having to pay people to 'fix' me.. $80 here for a counsellor, $100 there for someone else to tell me that I have an angry liver, $75 here, $60 there - on and on it goes. I resent having to pay people for something that is my birthright....
I know this is a very angry post & I know I am not being gentle with myself.. and I will probably change my mind later today...
but you know, I don't even believe the affirmation right now: who I am is enough. Yeah right.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Denise described me to a T. I am absolutely full of internal clutter - thinking(constantly), analyzing(constantly), rationalizing; plus chastising and berating myself(constantly). Most times I don't realize I am doing it because I have been doing it for so long. My mind runs away for ages before I notice I am doing this to myself.
I had a very odd day today - I woke with all good intentions. Then I decided that maybe I could clean out my stored emails & clean up my yahoo chat list... Daisy is still on there and I have many of her emails from when I first met her... so I emailed Gemma & asked her to hold my hand in support, as I thought that it may be time for me to 'let Daisy go' .. then went to visit Cats in the Kitchen.... not a good idea. I cried and sobbed as I read her story, when I realized that I will never get to meet her in this life.. so it is definately still not time for me to let her go fully....(funny thing is, that this weekend would have been her birthday... synchronicity??)
it has been a harrowing day with one thing and another & all I could do today was utter the affirmation. But that's ok.
(for those of you who are wondering who Daisy is, you can read about her here: Daisy's blog)
Thursday, November 6, 2008
I woke early with a freshness to my soul. The sun was shining and today was a new day. Even my sinuses were clear.. so I did my morning ritual and started working on today's reading.......the wind from the past few days had dropped to a gentle breeze ~ a gentle energy for the Earth and myself ~ we are one. Reading today's affirmation made me gasp - because that is exactly how I felt.
I opened the windows wide, so that the fresh air & energy could blow through my home. blowing any stale energy out and filling it with fresh, vibrant energy....
My home is truly a refuge for my soul ~ I have strived for that for a few years now. When people visit here, I can sometimes see a change in their soul while they sit and have tea - a peace comes over them. That, gives me joy.
I wandered around my home -noticing little things that need to be decluttered, making notes to myself & noticed that my kitchen is probably one room where my energy wanes... it is always clean but for the life of me, i cannot keep it tidy.. a note to self to do a major declutter in the next few weeks... most of my cupboards were tidied during my spring clean - but there are a few areas that I could do again. I decided to do one area today and that was my dining table.. a collector of bits.. a place where things are put that need to be put away... so i put things away, through things out and polished the table... tomorrow, I will pick a bunch of spring roses to put in the middle for the weekend.
Later in the afternoon, I went outside to do the exercise that was suggested.. just sitting on a bench in my garden & started to breathe. The air was warm, balmy, going into my nostrils and as I sat with my eyes closed, the wind started to blow. gently at first then stronger and cooler. My hair was moving gently around my face. The wind was blowing around me and through me until I was one with the wind... my whole body became air as I sat and stated the affirmation to my SELF three times. I feel so excited and energised now and cannot wait to see what tomorrow brings!!
I am still having difficulty catching those negative ego voices though,.. if anyone has any ideas on how to deal with them, please let me know.. ta!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
day Four:and I thought this was going to be easy or: what a struggle - (it's all too hard) ~ thoughts from my journal today....a long post!
I woke this morning and began doing my morning ritual, but I could not settle to meditation or to grounding myself... my mind wandered all over the place, until I took myself in hand and made myself at least do my protection ritual....
after reading today's exercise, knowing I can just observe my out of control thoughts rather than doing something about them, helped me to relax. Usually I ponder my thoughts, analyze and try to work through them with frenzy. Sometimes to the point of despair then I give up.
I had such a hard time with the affirmation. The past 3 days, perfectly remembered and being said throughout the day.. but today? I could not for the life of me remember the affirmation, I had to keep checking back to see what it was.. I love and accept who I am and who I am is enough ~ I wondered if anyone did tell me how wonderful I was when I was a little girl.. I know Nana & Pa did.. but did I believe it way back then?
... there is a constant voice in my head whispering :"forget all of this, just get on with life. No-one else you know bothers to try to work out what they are about. They just live their lives, day to day"
~ I think this is my ego starting to panic... you see, this is the third time I have attempted to do this Soul Coaching book.. I first bought it about 2 years ago, started to work through it, got to where i am now: Day four week one.. 'it's all too hard'. Put it into my cupboard and gave up. It was easier than trying to battle the voice. My ego self is frightened, I don't know why but it is. Having the group to work with is fantastic. I am going to push through this !!!
a life belief for me is "it's all too hard" - that pretty much sums it up.. whenever I want to do something, that is what i hear... even with this, like I said.. I hear 'it's all too hard'...
one thought that has been going over and over in my mind today is that I do have a lack of self love.. and one of my soul purposes is to Love Myself.. and this lack of self love definately takes me away from my source....
~ I love the photo of Jesus.. his heart open with love coming from his heart chakra.. I feel so comforted and loved when I look at this
I lost it this morning... I felt so confused & alone. panicking about today's affirmation, having to fight it all the way. I was dusting and glanced up at a vintage tin photo of Sacred Heart Jesus and burst into tears.. i ended up standing there sobbing, talking away to him.. but feeling 'guilty' all the while, asking a Christian icon for help (of course, I know in my heart that Jesus went to Cornwall - hence my soul connection to Mary Magdalene..... I read somewhere: 'there was an interesting bloodline and cultural heritage injected into Cornish culture when the close circle of Jesus followers escaping persecution after the crucifixion arrived in Cornwall and set about establishing the earliest christian churches known to the world. That type of early and pure Christianity had a total understanding and respect for nature and its powers and was more what we would consider to be pagan now. It spread rapidly throughout Cornwall and became the culture there. All the early churches were named after these disciples which came to be known as saints. Apparently Mary Magdalene was one of them and she was the mother of Jesus' children, hence the Holy Grail.')
....I have a constant battle with the use of the word God. I try to use Goddess or Universe but it just does not sit right with me. So I use God because it sounds familiar and has a comforting feel for me. But when I use it, I feel like I have to explain to those who use other terms..
so as you can see, today for me, was totally off topic.
even the wind made me tired today. I felt it was all such an effort (it's too hard), a drain on my energy. I know it is resistance but why am I so fearful of letting go and of change?
but to end the day I went for a lovely long walk in Leura, breathing in the crisp, clean mountain air... found two white feathers and took delight in the gardens..
positives? I made an appointment for this Friday to see an ayurvedic practioner, something I have been wanting to do for sometime..and sang along to Fleetwood Mac - the Chain & Dreams, ahh Stevie Nicks....
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
so I sat and read today's reading.. thinking of de-cluttering, wondering what I could de-clutter, as just the past few weeks I have been spring cleaning with a frenzy. My bedroom is done every week - washing the sheets, dusting and vacuuming so that doesn't need doing... however, I guess my top drawer could do with a tidy up AND THEN THERE IS MY WARDROBE, A PLACE WHERE NO MAN(or woman for that matter) DARES GO... an absolute disaster area.. but too big a job for today.... it is in my mind to do it and I will get around to it soon. I promise myself.. and I will do it.
breathing in Self acceptance, breathing out self judgement - ooh a big thing for me.. something I do struggle with....
so. there is Clarity within me and around me.... Clarity: clearness of thought; a splendour; a brightness; a radiance...
yes, like the wind/air has started to blow gently through my soul. blowing away negative thinking, judgment of self & lack of self love - making room for the divine being that I truly am, to shine. and showing me who I am meant to be: a soul full of love & light.
the blowing wind/the element of Air through Soul Coaching is showing me a clear-ness, a splendour, a brightness & radiance that is within me. Something that I never knew or accepted was there..
I went to the Gym this morning.. and as I did the circuit, I focused on my breathing... noticing where i had difficulty.. and today's song? SMACKWATER JACK - sung by Carole King and myself!! it is such a shame that we don't 'let it all hang loose' more often - we worry about rules, regulations, what is right, techniques.. all the time stifling our inner light with our negative thoughts .. maybe there is a lesson here for me
Today was a little bit of a struggle for me.. a few 'ego' thoughts of 'wasting time', and ' you won't complete it' .... I think the struggle was more that I felt that I didn't do alot with the book today. I had a little rest, it is cold today so I snuggled and when I started to feel guilty about that, I reminded myself of my commitment to be kind and gentle with myself... I haven't been able to walk this week yet.. it has been raining at the times I was planning on it... but I have been sitting in Sacred Space, looking out the window at the wind blowing the trees and the dark rain clouds... not much more I can do til it fines up.
Monday, November 3, 2008
I wondered why it is so easy for me to believe that AIR exists, even though I can't see it. And why I find it so difficult to believe in Spirit, the ancestors and all the other guidance and help from beyond - all those spiritual things I can't see either, I constantly question. I never question air or wind, I just accept that they are there, that they exist. why is that? what is the difference?
while I was doing my morning blessings and my breathing, the wind came up and blew strongly outside the door, through the maple tree, rocking the branches. I noticed the iron candle holder that hangs in the tree, swaying in the breeze. I could not see the wind but here again was an example in believing in something that I cannot see.. a lovely gentle reminder from God: - to trust in those things that I cannot see.
I also realized that I breathe quite shallowly, not letting my belly relax, something I must work on. Later on in the day, the wind was gusting and the sheets were flapping in the breeze like over sized flags... it is amazing how windy it has been since Beltane.. and the beginning of my Soul Coaching journey. The air fluctuates between warm to quite cold.. Springtime in the mountains!
I actually struggled with today's task.. what kind of thing could i choose as a commitment to myself? The list was full of things I do anyway and I wanted to push myself, get out of my comfort zone.. so I thought for awhile and then it came to me like a huge prod.
SING!! YES, that will help me breathe and also help me get past feeling silly ..
so I made a commitment to sing to one song each day and it must be a gutsy, loud song. Today, I chose 'Ring of Fire' and sang along with The Man in Black
plus I also promised myself that the computer will go off at 9pm every night. that will be difficult !!
honouring my commitment to myself and others:
what are my commitments to myself, besides the new one I made today??
to be kind to myself, to be gentle with myself...
what were the commitments that I made to my SELF before I came here to live this life on Earth??
and what about commitments to others?? something I struggle with sometimes - take for instance, saying i will do something for someone, or taking on a job at a charity function or on a committee or even saying yes to a day spa with a friend, then realizing that I just cannot do it; physically, mentally or emotionally. Then having to say how I feel, stating my truth. I am honouring a commitment to myself (not to do something i don't want to do) but I am also not honouring a commitment that I made to some one else - letting someone down......
not even sure if I explained it very well here.. I guess it is all about balance.
I actually started to clear my verandah this afternoon too - something that I have been putting off for months, hanging more prayer flags up to blow in the wind seemed like the perfect thing to do for AIR week. Off to yoga tonight, I must take note of how I go with my breathing.......
Sunday, November 2, 2008
I printed out all the affirmations for the week and stuck them into my daily diary then lit my candles and as I lit each candle I said the affirmation for today:~
it was raining all day, so a perfect time to sit, read today's exercises and write in my journal...
to bring joy into my life, to continue to find inner peace, to have a strong relationship with God through meditation and prayer, to remember to forgive myself and others, to let go of my past, to laugh......
I wish to work on my frustrations, my bitterness and my anger.. but being aware of it in the first place is a big step towards healing.....working towards being even healthier......
reading today's pages, I also realised that I am a courageous person ...I never thought of myself as being courageous - people told me i was courageous when I had cancer, but I would brush it off.. saying I had to do what I had to do... but now i know that I did have courage because even though I didn't want to have treatment, even though i was afraid, petrified, I worked through those emotions and did the treatments that were needed. That is courage... (Page 23)
I sat on my cane lounge, covered in a blanket and watched the breeze outside.. a gentle breeze nothing like the gale of Friday.... how quickly the weather changes! I was going to clean my verandah, but today was cold so I will do that one day this week.... i do struggle with 'understanding my inner rules and beliefs'... I know they are there but I just cannot seem to uncover them.. or put them into words... hopefully this week, I will discover this hidden piece of myself..
Saturday, November 1, 2008
this afternoon, I set up my altar ... I think this will be a work in progress as I travel along the Soul Coaching road this month.. adding bits as I go..
to start with: St. Therese, Kwan Yin and a statue of a Goddess are my representations of spirit.. also a picture of Mother Mary with rays of healing coming from her hands.. a dream bowl from Sr.K, an owl and my wand, a candle and incense ...