Monday, November 10, 2008

day 9 ~

I had to laugh when I read Denise's reasoning for rude drivers. The past few weeks, drivers on the road have irritated me no end.. everyone on the road seems to be in a damn hurry. It annoys me, frustrates me and makes me angry that I am constantly menaced on the road. Some one is always right on my backside.. hovering.... I go the speed limit - so what the hell are they on about?? - I have no idea how I can turn this around to a positive.. (not everyones wife is in labour)......

I have experienced intense emotions all my life. Gee, I don't think I had a beige emotion ever!!!!

Fear from my childhood abuse; confusion, extreme sadness at the death of my first husband when I was 19; sadness, anger, hatred & fear when I was divorced from my second husband; fear when diagnosed with cancer; extreme overwhelming grief when Daisy passed.......

and the others... pure love for my 3rd husband Joe; joy and love at the birth of my 3 children; excitement & bliss for my kindred soulship with Daisy; bliss when I am in my garden...

so why do I constantly focus on the negative ones ??? And what positive meanings can I give to each of the above emotions?? something I will have to ponder deeply I think. I want to change, I do!!!!

During those times in my life when something happened that was life altering.... I would always brush it off flippantly with a retort such as 'when one door closes, another opens' or I'll be fine, I am a survivor, there are worse off than me' and the ultimate: 'everything happens in life for good reason'..... I hated that people felt sorry for me - I hated to be weak in front of people (well, i thought is was weakness, I know better now)

BUT did I believe my flippant retorts?? or did I push my emotions down, letting the fester and now they are blasting to the top???

I don't know - I found this exercise to be difficult for me.... not sure why. But alot is coming up and I guess I am working through it all slowly...

one thing that did come to mind though was a choice that I made many years ago: I chose not to get into a car one night; I went with a girlfriend to pick up my baby from my mums... and let my husband go home to make a cup of tea for us..... he never got there. His car crashed and he was killed.....if I had been in that car, I would not have been here. That was definately a pivotal point in my life.

I had a glorious shower this morning - giving myself a body scrub while I uttered the words: "I am clearing my body of all negative energies and thoughts that do not empower me. I am a strong, wise woman" ~ I didn't get to sit quietly and take myself back into past situations, something that I want to do desperately... and I hope to do that tomorrow.. I think I will try some kind of shamanic journey with it... and tomorrow after noon I am taking myself for a walk to find a stick... I want to make one of those !!!!

18 comments:

Genie Sea said...

It is so awesome to see you grow and glow with each passing day! I am so full of admiration! I see your humour and your indomitable spirit shining through every post. I love you feistiness. You go girl!

Hugs!

Serena said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Serena said...

I so hear you on the topic of inconsiderate drivers, especially the ones that tail-gate because you are going the speed limit and that's not fast enough for them. I guess some people just race through life without REALLY living it and, sadly, they have an attitude to match. In that sense, I guess you could feel compassion for them...just a tad though. ;)

You have certainly dealt with a lot of painful turning points in your life. I haven't touched on my childhood abuse...maybe I have it locked away for a reason or maybe it will surface later.

It's great that you are going to look more deeply into why you jump to the negatives before the positives. I hope you find some insight that will help you turn it around.

Know that you are one strong lady with a beautiful heart.

Love, light and peace,
Serena

chest of drawers said...

I can feel your strength and awareness grow stronger every day too.

Jamie said...

When a shamanic journey calls, it's time to go for a walk.

:)

amelia said...

Go for a walk Robyn and try to heal a little. Just a little at a time.

I could feel your emotion reading this post, feel it right through me, a really weird feeling. I hope you come out of this a much stronger woman..

Fatma said...

I love the affirmation you used with the scrub. I can see the difference in you. Every it gets a little better.

creativehealinggoddess said...

Well done you your are definitely a spiritual Warrior.

Danette said...

What spirit you have.

You ask yourself powerful questions, you are willing to know your truth. Thank you for being so open and letting your beauty shine through.

Gemma said...

The earth is so beautiful and everything works in harmony.
When something is out of whack it's noticable. That is the reason the negative things stand out.
You are not trying to focus on them, they just don't fit!
Love
xx

Tori said...

That's the thing. If you tell yourself something, but don't believe it, it just comes back to bite you later in life.

That you are working through these emotions now, instead of pushing them down again, makes you stronger.

I love your affirmation. You are a strong, wise woman. =)

Caroline said...

Wow...very intense post. I really felt your words pouring out (were you typing fast, too?). I am similar with my emotions...they are strong and they rule my life at times. I just "feel". My personal affirmation for today is: "I am not a tornado of emotions." If you read my post today you'll understand the word tornado.

Sage Moonstone said...

I love reading your Daily Posts and seeing your Process through this whole thing.. it's really Inspiring!

I posted a link to your Blog on mine today.. If you want to come check it out please do:

http://whimsicalwitch.blogspot.com/2008/11/ive-been-tagged.html

todayandeveryday said...

You are really coming up with some good questions for yourself, Robyn! I am so proud of how far you have come in the past couple of days. Every moment is different from the next. That is the blessing of energy. Bless you, Robyn. You are teaching us all.
Peace~
Dawn

Romana Mirza said...

I love this post - and I hate those drivers too. You seem to be more accepting of your passionate self today, yeah, celebrate it!

Those drivers - I have deep compassion for people who are living disconnected lives and I pray for them.

Leah said...

great questions you're asking yourself! sounds like a walk (perhaps you'll find the perfect spirit stick) could be helpful!

peppylady said...

I don't know why there so many rude drivers out in world today.
Oh maybe they have change of heart one of these days. I guess that all we can hope for now.

We all go though so many doors in our life and sometime it seems like no one turns on light or the bulb is burned out and we wonder though like we are in darkness and stumbling about.

As for yesterday question about putting my foot in mountain stream is "yes I do" but I like placing leaf or twig and watching it do down stream until it dis pears and short time I will wonder about the object I place in stream.

Coffee is on.

Serena said...

Hi Robyn,

I hope you're doing okay?

(((Hugs)))
Serena