first of all, I want to thank each of you who commented yesterday. I felt overwhelmed with the support that I received.. I am going to print out the comments and stick them into my Soul Journal. All my life, I have been like this.. questioning and saying it how it is... but this is the first time anyone has said 'it is ok' - all my life I have tried to be the nice girl... and i still am but now, i can start to be myself...thankyou
a turning point ~ ooh yes, there has been for me... I feel so much more at peace after my outburst yesterday.... it was like a purging for me... stuff bursts to the top like a volcano. Spilling out like red, angry lava. Is it my ego fighting all the way??? I have come to a sense of calm.... I feel at peace.
so today, first day of water... I sat and journaled my thoughts.... I wrote alot but some things just don't need to go out into the internet.. they are out of my head onto paper and that is good.
'a soul on a spiritual journey' - I like that....
for some reason, I can't remember any definate pivot points in my life... life just seemed to happen to me.. I didn't think much about all that was happening, I just accepted how it was.
As a little girl, my life was more about survival... I remember being scared of being alone..
I know that I have a lack of self love ... " doing this exercise makes me sad. Sad for the woman that I am. Sad that I don't have alot of self esteem, sad that i don't love myself...."
today, I printed the weeks affirmations out and stuck them into my daily diary - then I went out into the garden .. and planted some bean & beetroot seeds.. then I watered them in. I find watering my garden by hand is so peaceful.. I re-arranged my pond plants then sat for quite awhile just watching the pond life.. there are baby tadpoles in there now and my water Lily is sending leaves up to the surface. I cannot wait to see what colour the flower is....
I also decided to tidy the back verandah, something that was one of my de-cluttering exercises that I was going to do last week.. I got stuck into it and before i knew it, I was washing all the split cane chairs and table.... it wasn't until later that I realized that I had actually done a water exercise !!
we went out for dinner and as I sat and chewed each mouthful of food 25 times each - (suggested by the Ayurvedic Dr)... I talked to Joe (husband) about my anger... and we realized that alot of my anger is about my cancer... I did not allow myself to feel the emotions while I was going through the treatments.. I didn't cry in front of people because I didn't want them to feel bad... i didn't scream or shout about it back then, I protected people from my pain, fear and grief and it has been festering... so I am going to take advice given by some of my fellow Soul Coaching friends and I am gonna scream, shout and do whatever it takes to get this anger out.....