day Four:and I thought this was going to be easy or: what a struggle - (it's all too hard) ~ thoughts from my journal today....a long post!

to begin with: last night, before I went to bed, I did a little writing in my journal.. I was panicking that this book, that this process wasn't working ..because I didn't have much clutter to clear out (although I have since realised that my laundry is just as out of control as my wardrobe is).. but it seems, after reading today's letter, I am clearing alot of mental clutter rather than physical.

I woke this morning and began doing my morning ritual, but I could not settle to meditation or to grounding myself... my mind wandered all over the place, until I took myself in hand and made myself at least do my protection ritual....

after reading today's exercise, knowing I can just observe my out of control thoughts rather than doing something about them, helped me to relax. Usually I ponder my thoughts, analyze and try to work through them with frenzy. Sometimes to the point of despair then I give up.

I had such a hard time with the affirmation. The past 3 days, perfectly remembered and being said throughout the day.. but today? I could not for the life of me remember the affirmation, I had to keep checking back to see what it was.. I love and accept who I am and who I am is enough ~ I wondered if anyone did tell me how wonderful I was when I was a little girl.. I know Nana & Pa did.. but did I believe it way back then?

... there is a constant voice in my head whispering :"forget all of this, just get on with life. No-one else you know bothers to try to work out what they are about. They just live their lives, day to day"
~ I think this is my ego starting to panic... you see, this is the third time I have attempted to do this Soul Coaching book.. I first bought it about 2 years ago, started to work through it, got to where i am now: Day four week one.. 'it's all too hard'. Put it into my cupboard and gave up. It was easier than trying to battle the voice. My ego self is frightened, I don't know why but it is. Having the group to work with is fantastic. I am going to push through this !!!

a life belief for me is "it's all too hard" - that pretty much sums it up.. whenever I want to do something, that is what i hear... even with this, like I said.. I hear 'it's all too hard'...

one thought that has been going over and over in my mind today is that I do have a lack of self love.. and one of my soul purposes is to Love Myself.. and this lack of self love definately takes me away from my source....

~ I love the photo of Jesus.. his heart open with love coming from his heart chakra.. I feel so comforted and loved when I look at this

I lost it this morning... I felt so confused & alone. panicking about today's affirmation, having to fight it all the way. I was dusting and glanced up at a vintage tin photo of Sacred Heart Jesus and burst into tears.. i ended up standing there sobbing, talking away to him.. but feeling 'guilty' all the while, asking a Christian icon for help (of course, I know in my heart that Jesus went to Cornwall - hence my soul connection to Mary Magdalene..... I read somewhere: 'there was an interesting bloodline and cultural heritage injected into Cornish culture when the close circle of Jesus followers escaping persecution after the crucifixion arrived in Cornwall and set about establishing the earliest christian churches known to the world. That type of early and pure Christianity had a total understanding and respect for nature and its powers and was more what we would consider to be pagan now. It spread rapidly throughout Cornwall and became the culture there. All the early churches were named after these disciples which came to be known as saints. Apparently Mary Magdalene was one of them and she was the mother of Jesus' children, hence the Holy Grail.')
....I have a constant battle with the use of the word God. I try to use Goddess or Universe but it just does not sit right with me. So I use God because it sounds familiar and has a comforting feel for me. But when I use it, I feel like I have to explain to those who use other terms..

so as you can see, today for me, was totally off topic.

even the wind made me tired today. I felt it was all such an effort (it's too hard), a drain on my energy. I know it is resistance but why am I so fearful of letting go and of change?

but to end the day I went for a lovely long walk in Leura, breathing in the crisp, clean mountain air... found two white feathers and took delight in the gardens..
positives? I made an appointment for this Friday to see an ayurvedic practioner, something I have been wanting to do for sometime..and sang along to Fleetwood Mac - the Chain & Dreams, ahh Stevie Nicks....