Wednesday, November 5, 2008

day Four:and I thought this was going to be easy or: what a struggle - (it's all too hard) ~ thoughts from my journal today....a long post!

to begin with: last night, before I went to bed, I did a little writing in my journal.. I was panicking that this book, that this process wasn't working ..because I didn't have much clutter to clear out (although I have since realised that my laundry is just as out of control as my wardrobe is).. but it seems, after reading today's letter, I am clearing alot of mental clutter rather than physical.

I woke this morning and began doing my morning ritual, but I could not settle to meditation or to grounding myself... my mind wandered all over the place, until I took myself in hand and made myself at least do my protection ritual....

after reading today's exercise, knowing I can just observe my out of control thoughts rather than doing something about them, helped me to relax. Usually I ponder my thoughts, analyze and try to work through them with frenzy. Sometimes to the point of despair then I give up.

I had such a hard time with the affirmation. The past 3 days, perfectly remembered and being said throughout the day.. but today? I could not for the life of me remember the affirmation, I had to keep checking back to see what it was.. I love and accept who I am and who I am is enough ~ I wondered if anyone did tell me how wonderful I was when I was a little girl.. I know Nana & Pa did.. but did I believe it way back then?

... there is a constant voice in my head whispering :"forget all of this, just get on with life. No-one else you know bothers to try to work out what they are about. They just live their lives, day to day"
~ I think this is my ego starting to panic... you see, this is the third time I have attempted to do this Soul Coaching book.. I first bought it about 2 years ago, started to work through it, got to where i am now: Day four week one.. 'it's all too hard'. Put it into my cupboard and gave up. It was easier than trying to battle the voice. My ego self is frightened, I don't know why but it is. Having the group to work with is fantastic. I am going to push through this !!!

a life belief for me is "it's all too hard" - that pretty much sums it up.. whenever I want to do something, that is what i hear... even with this, like I said.. I hear 'it's all too hard'...

one thought that has been going over and over in my mind today is that I do have a lack of self love.. and one of my soul purposes is to Love Myself.. and this lack of self love definately takes me away from my source....

~ I love the photo of Jesus.. his heart open with love coming from his heart chakra.. I feel so comforted and loved when I look at this

I lost it this morning... I felt so confused & alone. panicking about today's affirmation, having to fight it all the way. I was dusting and glanced up at a vintage tin photo of Sacred Heart Jesus and burst into tears.. i ended up standing there sobbing, talking away to him.. but feeling 'guilty' all the while, asking a Christian icon for help (of course, I know in my heart that Jesus went to Cornwall - hence my soul connection to Mary Magdalene..... I read somewhere: 'there was an interesting bloodline and cultural heritage injected into Cornish culture when the close circle of Jesus followers escaping persecution after the crucifixion arrived in Cornwall and set about establishing the earliest christian churches known to the world. That type of early and pure Christianity had a total understanding and respect for nature and its powers and was more what we would consider to be pagan now. It spread rapidly throughout Cornwall and became the culture there. All the early churches were named after these disciples which came to be known as saints. Apparently Mary Magdalene was one of them and she was the mother of Jesus' children, hence the Holy Grail.')
....I have a constant battle with the use of the word God. I try to use Goddess or Universe but it just does not sit right with me. So I use God because it sounds familiar and has a comforting feel for me. But when I use it, I feel like I have to explain to those who use other terms..

so as you can see, today for me, was totally off topic.

even the wind made me tired today. I felt it was all such an effort (it's too hard), a drain on my energy. I know it is resistance but why am I so fearful of letting go and of change?

but to end the day I went for a lovely long walk in Leura, breathing in the crisp, clean mountain air... found two white feathers and took delight in the gardens..
positives? I made an appointment for this Friday to see an ayurvedic practioner, something I have been wanting to do for sometime..and sang along to Fleetwood Mac - the Chain & Dreams, ahh Stevie Nicks....


originalbliss said...

Good for you for working through all that energy. Sometimes our soul is so clogged up our mind cannot process it and a good "boo hoo" is exactly what we need. Sometimes I feel that way, all choked up, and I will put on a good tear jerker, so I have an excuse just to cry it out.

Good for you for going for a walk! I was supposed to go for a walk everyday, and I came to work and we are understaffed so I don't get a break. (I sit for 11 hours a day answering 911 and dispatching police and fire) I am soooo bummed!

And to go for a walk in Leura!!! You're breaking my heart!!! I took my 2 kids to Australia almost 3 years ago and visited the Blue Mountains for 2 days. You live in a paradise!

Serena said...

It is definitely your ego panicking, Robyn. I think it's wonderful that you recognised it for what it was even though it ended up in tears and confusion for you. Be gentle with yourself and remember, baby steps. I'm so glad that you're not going to let the ego win out here.

I was raised Roman Catholic until my early teens when I started to question the hypocrisies I saw in my religion. Since then, I have always leaned towards metaphysical, spiritual beliefs where there is no judgement or condemnation...only pure love. I use the Creator, God, Goddess, Higher Self etc...but, really, they are just different names for the same thing so don't feel guilty.

I read about the historical facts of Mary in the DaVinci code....whilst it was a fictional storyline, apparently, the facts in the book were very real.

Love, light and peace ~

chest of drawers said...

How lucky are you to live in Leura - I know those Blue Mountains winds, they can really wear you down. I know this journey can be hard too and it´s not easy to stay on track when there are obstacles inside. But stick around, we need you to come along and share your journey.

todayandeveryday said...

" I use God because it sounds familiar and has a comforting feel for me. But when I use it, I feel like I have to explain to those who use other terms.."
First of all, you own NO ONE an explanation. No one.

Second, we all resist change, it is the nature of the ego. Your ego is fighting for control of who you are. There is no shame in that. As long as you remain 'aware' and can sit with it until it passes you will come out the other side a brilliant butterfly!!

Hang in there, your soul is worth it. Much love and peace~

amelia said...

The clean mountain air will soothe your soul. It does it every time for me..

Fatma said...

Keep going. As I say just when you get frustrated you must get excited because you are close to a breakthrough.

Much love!

Caroline said...

Beautiful post. I struggle with this as well... Going for a long walk always helps to clear the mind. I often try to stop and observe myself...but my ego is stubborn and often thwarts my efforts. It's a constant struggle with me...

Lisa said...

Oh you will keep going with this, because I need you to! You inspire me alot. I so appreciate the honesty in you - and it is hard! Good for you for pushing through it today and seeing where it took you. Tears are good, aren't they? Something must have been released inside there, freed up, undammed.

I resonate with the "it's too hard" Sometimes I feel that way about life itself. So I hear you sister. I've got nothing wise to say, just that I hear you.

I love that you meld Jesus in with your other beliefs. That you honor whatever you feel pulled towards. I have the personal belief that it's all too big for us to understand, so that all the words icons prayers and beliefs are just pointers, all pointing to the exact same unnameable thing - so I tend to freely mix and match what calls to my spirit, like you. People may get bent out of shape (and I certainly never try to offend anyone's beliefs) but ultimately you don't have to "explain" yourself - you too are part of the inexplicable mystery!
Thanks for the honest and thought provoking post. This is my long comment on your long post ... is the comment longer than the post itself? OMG!!

Pearl said...

Hang in there Robyn you'll definitely learn and grow from the struggle you are having with your ego. It doesn't matter that others are just living their lives without looking deeply within if you tried to live like that you wouldn't be true to the person that you are.

Sacred Suzie said...

Woah! You had an intense day like I did eh? Yes, the ego doesn't like us spying on her does she? It's scary and frustrating but it's also good. We can do this. It will get better.

Paula - Buenos Aires said...

You managed to put into words what I was hazily feeling. Thanks.

Tori said...

I am glad I'm not the only person who forgot the affirmation today! Maybe it had something to do with the affirmation itself. It's too hard to believe, so we subconciously forget it?

I know what you mean about "It's too hard" and just wanting to give up. I went through the same thing today. Congratulations for continuing your journey! It will get easier.

peppylady said...

It hard to work though fears or least I find them hard.

Then in lot of area I'm confuse.

So when it comes to fear and confusing I'm lost.

Coffee is on.

meandmom said...

Why, oh why, is it so hard for us to accept ourselves and say we are good enough? So many of us suffer from that kind of struggle. For me to say it out loud often brings me to tears of shame and disbelief. Who teaches us that we are lacking? Where is it that we get the feeling that we are not enough? What is it that we can not be at peace with our own godliness?

Let's push through to the other side of this energy!

pen* said...

oh you articulated my struggle so well! (and by the sounds of it, many others too!) it's amazing how such a personal feeling can be so universal too. and your sharing it is both reassuring and healing: knowing we are not alone, but also that we are here to prop each other up. thank you for that.

Genie Sea said...

You can call the divine, God, Gods, Goddess, Universe, the Elements, Mickey Mouse... It doesn't change what that power is. It's just a name, and a rose by any other name is just as sweet.

Like you!

Who you are is enough! :)

ELLIE said...

I really love the way you expressed yourself - sounds like we are all going through the same thing!

freelittlebird said...

Dear Miss R,

Thank you for commenting so consistently on my posts. I have been reading your blog from the beginning also. I have to tell you, there is something about your profile photo that I just love! You look so kind.

What you said about how you used to have the same fears in your marriage, but they went away -- how? Did you eventually stop thinking about them? Accept them as reality? Dismiss them because they weren't real? Tell me more.

Hugs to you and hope tomorrow is easier. We all deserve a little reprieve, I think!

Jamie said...

What a day!

You know what I'm finding so exciting? That right now as I'm writing this, you may have already woken up and started reading about Day 5. You may have even started exploring Day 5. Darlin, you are already farther than you've been before!!

Celebrating with you!
big hugs,