Saturday, November 8, 2008

day 7 - (I give up), well I did this morning...

if you read below, you will see that this morning, I quit. I gave up Soul Coaching.. once that decision was made I took myself to the Drs, who promptly told me to stop being so hard on myself.. I came home empty handed.
Then I dug, I dug out my garden, I weeded, I hoed and tied up tomatoes.. I got into the Earth... and I realised that once again, by visting yet another 'practioner' yesterday, I had given my power away... and a small voice inside of me, kept saying, don't give up.. please don't give up. I think it was my Soul self.... so here I am still doing Soul Coaching - but I didn't really participate in much for it today.. I said the affirmations once or twice.. but that's all. "I did good enough"
I realised today, that I have been spending way too much time inside and need to get outside in my garden. THAT is where my passion lies
this afternoon, when I was inside having a cup of tea, I heard a racket out in my apple tree. Going out to have a look at what it was.. a blackbird sitting making noises for me to come out, I am sure. Because once I was there, it broke into song, stopped.. looked at me and sang again and just as it sang, the wind came up, gently blowing all my peace flags, blowing through the rose garden, sprinkling rose petals on the grass like a carpet of pink.. and the blackbird sang.... the day before Daisy's birthday. The same black bird that sang at my birthday, the same one that came and sat near my door the day she died..
then I received this in an email::
Clear negative emotions regularly. Forgive yourself and others and let go of anger, blame and resentment—it only hurts you. Write a letter expressing anger, sadness, hurt, fear, what you really want and what you appreciate. Go to a movie and cry, go into Nature and shout, scream or jump up and down- anything to release the negative or stagnant energy!
(thanks so much to those of you who commented on this post below, earlier and also for emails.. I felt not so alone xo)
I woke this morning feeling not so good in the head, mentally. I made myself my vinegar mix and proceeded to read today's exercise. Well, that was after I wrote 2 pages of how sick & tired I am of things... sick of searching for the meaning of life, sick of having to worry about saying things in the right way incase i attract negative things into my life, sick, sick, sick!! Then to read that I am to find the meaning or purpose of my life today, just sent me over the edge. That is what I have damn well been doing ever since I can remember. Ever since I was a little girl, who sat on her bed, looking out at the stars at night, wondering why she was here. Ever since i was a teenager, trying different spiritual hats on. Ever since way back when. And I am a tad tired of it...

I am no closer in finding the meaning or purpose to my life, despite all the self-help books that I read. All I have done is wasted time.

so I have decided to stop the process.

I am going to go to the Drs and see if I can get some thing to help me cope. I feel like a failure, but I cannot go through life like this anymore.

I went to see an ayurvedic Doctor yesterday, hoping I would get some help with my allergies.. I came away $180 poorer clutching two bottles of pills and an eating plan.. and he told me I am to jog in a track suit working up a sweat everyday, so that my digestive fire can get going again. oh please, that is the last thing i want to do.

I am tired of it all. I eat mostly organic, I don't smoke, I exercise, I do yoga and I meditate. Hell, I don't even take chemicals for headaches. My whole life focuses on being as healthy as I possibly can.
I am tired of having to pay people to 'fix' me.. $80 here for a counsellor, $100 there for someone else to tell me that I have an angry liver, $75 here, $60 there - on and on it goes. I resent having to pay people for something that is my birthright....

I know this is a very angry post & I know I am not being gentle with myself.. and I will probably change my mind later today...
but you know, I don't even believe the affirmation right now: who I am is enough. Yeah right.

22 comments:

Tracy said...

Robyn, sometimes we just need to vent, to scream, to howl at the moon and get it off of our chest.

You are always so wonderfully supportive and encouraging to others. Be gentle with yourself. This too shall pass...

Jamie said...

There's lots of fire in this post. You know, maybe you don't need to be gentle at all. Maybe it's time to yell f*** *** at everything that ticks you off. You don't always have to be kind and understanding. You don't have to do anything. You get to just be where you are and today that's angry and tired of this sh*t. Thanks for bringing all of it to the table.

QueenAlpo said...

I read somewhere that sometimes you gotta embrace your Kali energy -- in other words, yoga isn't just about being peaceful and gentle, but also strong and forceful in order to take care of yourself.

I liked reading your post -- visceral emotions in there. Thanks for sharing.

Sage Moonstone said...

I FEEL YA!!

You know.. at least you figured out what you don't want to do any more, right? SO.. don't do it. Do something else instead!

I swear, I'm with you on the screw-the-whole-process-thing. So, I'm just trying to do one thing at a time, the best I can and not worry about the 'finding' myself thing (right now any way..).

Hugs Lady... you'll feel better tomorrow!

chest of drawers said...

Some of us have to clean out our kitchen cupboards or wardrobes and it´s enough. But there are those of us who need to get rid of other types of clutter, in their heads and in their hearts.

Serena said...

Robyn, I am so sorry you had such a rough day. I wish I'd checked in earlier to add my support but I'm glad to see that you are staying with the Soul Coaching group. Know that you don't have to put expectations on yourself with the daily commitments. Go at your own pace.....the book is really just a guide. Gardening is a wonderful way to ground yourself and that's obviously what you needed to do. (((Hugs)))

Winterwood said...

oh robyn.....((((hugs))))

Genie Sea said...

Robyn - What an amazing post! You are so powerful! So passionate! The energy even in the frustration is monumental!

I so agree with Jamie. Let it out! GRRRR! GRRR! If yoga doesn't express it, try kick boxing! Kick the SH*T out of the nasties!

Ah, the blackbird. Your messenger. Your guide! You are so blessed. Listen to its song. It's just for YOU! :)

You have paid practitioners, now pay yourself. You have the wisdom and tools you need. I have faith in you! Hugs! ♥

Jamie said...

One of the Day 7 activities was noticing messages from the Universe, and with that you are right on track - "Don't give up" and "Come outside," "Dig."

I'm so glad you're back with us.

Aurora said...

sometimes when you quit searching for the answer is when it comes to you....that doesn't mean you give up...just be aware, pay attention--but no longer actively search...

Kavindra said...

"I took myself to the Drs, who promptly told me to stop being so hard on myself.. I came home empty handed."

Sweet Robin, did you come home empty handed? This sounds like good advice from a wise doc to me. You are so gentle and giving and forgiving to the rest of this circle - please be so to yourself as well.

I resonate with the reaction tho - I too have spent 48 years looking for my purpose - can I now find it in one day? I doubt it.

What a wonderful gift the universe sent you today - that blackbird singing just for you. You deserve all such wonderful gifts. I am glad he came, and glad you decided not to leave us. You bring so much to this circle - it wouldn't be the same without your generous brave honest energy.

xo - Lisa

Romana Mirza said...

You have so much passion! Passion Passion Passion, it is awesome to read, to experience, to see, thank you for being passionate with us, it feels amazing. Yes, its raw and angry and feels terrible but its passion. it's not meak and helpless, mindless and boring, it's energy and life and hope and despair its amazing. You are an amazing person. Everything and all of what you are and want to be in inside of you I can feel it so so strongly. Don't hold back your passion, let it rip in whatever format it wants to come out. Today it's raw and angry and I LOVE that and tomorrow it may be regretful and sorrowful and next it may be proactive and futuristic. I feel like no matter what your passion is its full of energy, vibrancy and it is you. No wonder you hate today's affirmation. "Who I am is enough" sounds so incredibly lame when read through your passionate lens. I'm with you there sister!

TheModernGoddess said...

What a day! You came full circle and you should congratulate yourself for doing so. I think you've started to tap into what your soul mission is... plant the seed, tend the garden and watch your soul mission blossom in front of your very eyes. You don't need to know it now but just know that it's starting to break through. {{{BIG CYBER HUGS}}} x

kim said...

I hear you. I decided to do this and I haven't even posted once on it since then.

I do know one thing. Clutter is my nemisis. I do not know why I have so much CRAP. I go to do something about it and I freeze and get so overwhelmed, I stop.

peppylady said...

Robyn it alright to get up set and angry.
People who tells it wrong to be angry there lie to everyone mainly to them self.
I like it when someone says they don't get up set or angry is full of crap.

As for a spiritual hat. I've came to the truth for my self.
I don't need any certain spiritual hat.
I would best to say mine is a spiritual hat of many colors and fabrics.

I'm sending you a hug although I don't have an answer for you what you should do.

Coffee is on.

Paula - Buenos Aires said...

You are my hero. From day 1 you said things I dizzily felt but couldn´t articulate.

Thanks for not quitting because you gave me the courage not to quit myself.

Tori said...

The difficulty is part of the process. I think you are realizing this now more than ever.

You are keeping your body healthy, but hurting your mind. Your Soul self really didn't want you to give up... you listened. That is enough. You are listening to yourself. You are listening to the universe.

I agree with Jamie. You don't need to be nice. Be mean. I've felt better since I started doing that. Yell at the top of your voice "WHO I AM IS ENOUGH!" You'll feel better.

Leah said...

good for you for listening to the still small voice. it sounds like the garden is a fabulous place to be, digging, digging, unearthing and grounding yourself.

at one point, i was seeing a lot of crows and i read that they are omen's of change.

(((Hugs)))

meandmom said...

Robyn, I echo the sentiments that have already been left for you. Be gentle with your self. Love the you that you are right this minute.

I have worn the shoes that are on your feet now. My heart hurts for yours. At the same time, I know that I have needed to be in those low points. I don't know why. I had a friend hold me just last week as I sobbed into her shoulder and she said I don't know why you have to go through this time, but you do. In that sentence, the world began to open for me once again. This is my story. Sometimes it's scary, sometimes it's funny, sometimes it's hard, sometimes it's wonderful. But it's mine. I am trying to choose to own it.

You said "who I am is enough, yeah right" It is right though. It is right to be where you are and be enough. It is enough to be tired and sad and confused and hurt.

It is your story. Embrace it. Just the way it is. It is enough and it will continue on until you get to the next good day.

Yell, sulk, cry, dig....whatever you need to do to get you through the moment. Know that you ARE enough.

Hugs to you sister!

Turtleheart said...

Robyn, so sorry to hear you had a bad day. I think it was going around! But I am glad you have not given up.

The raw honesty of your post is empowering. And sometimes, we can't always be sh*tting rainbows. Sometimes we need to rant and rave. Better that you let the anger out than continued to turn it inward.

I think all this emotion means that the process is at work.

Bohemian Single Mom said...

Amazing stuff here. I feel overwhelmed and stuck. This was a great post for me to read.
Thanks for inspiring me.
xo

amelia said...

I have just read this post for the umteenth time and still don't really know what to say except, hang in, it will get better. Try not to be so hard on yourself but I know that's nigh on impossible for you, but try..