Thursday, November 20, 2008

a story about facing death..onto Day 19

Death does not bother me one bit. Death has been around me FOR-ever. My grandma died on my 10th birthday and I was introduced to death at that early age.. then became a widow at 19.. hell, I didn't understand it at all. I was plunged into a world that I didn't choose. Then life went along merrily until death visited me again and I miscarried my 3rd pregnancy at 18 weeks.. death and grieving once again.

Skipping through life.. oneday I was under the pine tree, where the faeries live.. swinging with gay abandon.. letting my inner child out to play... thinking how blessedly wonderful my life was... two days later I was diagnosed with cancer. What can I say?
When I was told of all the treatments I would be having, my first reaction was: I would rather be in a coffin, no way am I going to do that.. and I was prepared to die. Truly.

But then I realised that I was being selfish. I had a loving family and I had a chance to fight for my life to be with them until the day I was supposed to leave this earth.. whether it was that day, a time after my treatment, or years in the future...
so I agreed to the treatments and each day for 5 weeks I would trot off to the radiation unit and be zapped. Each day, I faced my own death, because I had no idea if this was going to work. I just had to have faith. (and I keep saying I don't have any!!)

I had a near death experience too - when I had my tubes tied.. I stopped breathing and there was someone at the end of my bed, his name was Michael. I don't know who he was but he was so loving, I just didn't want to come back.. but he said i must... then I heard the nurses yelling, 'breathe, Robyn, breathe' and I was back.. so you see, I am not afraid of dying....

I don't know if I can say I am ready to die now. i have had a wonderful life... I don't want to die because I think of leaving my husband who is my soul mate and I do panic.. and there are things that I wish I could do.. like study herbs or travel to Peru and Cornwall... but if I died today or now.. I would be ok with it.. it is just i hate to think of the sadness and grief that those left behind experience... so yes, I am ok with dying myself. I just hate it when other people die. I hate grief. Hate it with a passion. I hate how it tears at your heart and doesn't go away. But I am not scared to die. Actually it will be quite exciting because then I will find out what life is all about !!

when I had cancer, I made a resolve to make my life more peaceful, calm and quiet..to take time out to just be.. not quite sure if I achieved that, probably not.. but today I re-commit to:
living in the present moment, to let go of all negative thoughts, to remember that I AM a Divine Immortal being and that I am loved by God.. that I am not separate from God.

oh and I did my little ritual!! wondering what the hell I could burn.. I decided on burning one of my cancer test results... and as it burned down to ash, i saw myself as a brilliant white light - perfect, whole and complete....

13 comments:

Genie Sea said...

Robyn, to me, you ARE a light. Perfect and whole and complete!

Thank you so much for sharing your appointments with death, and more importantly your near-death experience. It calms the "monkey brain" just reading it. :)

creativehealinggoddess said...

Robyn you are the spiritual warrior.....

thank you for inspiration.

amelia said...

You have echoed EXACTLY how I feel about death!!

Tracy said...

Robyn, you really are brave and courageous! A true inspiration...

Caroline said...

This was beautiful to read today. I have really never faced death... My grandparents died when I was young. My parents are still alive and I have never had a near death experience. Death is quite a mystery to me. I am glad to read all these posts...it certainly helps.

Breedale said...

Very inspiring post Robyn, thank you for sharing it. I can see why it was not your time. You had far too many others who had to be inspired by your life both the good and the bad!

Serena said...

A wonderful post, Robyn. Like you, I am comfortable with the thought of my own death, however, it's the effect it would have on my kids and family that would upset me. I guess, life goes on though...and we learn lessons from all aspects of it, including death from our human form.

May the Power of the Present Moment bring you many blessings.

love, light and peace,
serena

Sacred Suzie said...

Oh Robyn, you have been through so much. I am amazed you have come as close to peace as you can with this subject I think. That is the perfect thing to burn. May the cancer become a distant dream of only dust and soot.

Kavindra said...

Wow, reading this I see you are really a survivor - you have had alot on your plate in this lifetime, and yet you are so beautiful and amazing. Wonderful that you have overcome so much so gracefully and bravely!

Tori said...

This is a courageous story. Wonderfully inspiring post. =)

Jamie said...

Robyn thank you for sharing what you've been through, how death has touched your life and how you are not afraid. Here's to your sweet life. I, for one, am glad you're here.

gemma said...

I am not afraid either. Whatever it is, it's natural. I love nature.
But I also love life and don't want to die soon.

peppylady said...

What a post so insightful.

Coffee is on.