Death does not bother me one bit. Death has been around me FOR-ever. My grandma died on my 10th birthday and I was introduced to death at that early age.. then became a widow at 19.. hell, I didn't understand it at all. I was plunged into a world that I didn't choose. Then life went along merrily until death visited me again and I miscarried my 3rd pregnancy at 18 weeks.. death and grieving once again.
Skipping through life.. oneday I was under the pine tree, where the faeries live.. swinging with gay abandon.. letting my inner child out to play... thinking how blessedly wonderful my life was... two days later I was diagnosed with cancer. What can I say?
When I was told of all the treatments I would be having, my first reaction was: I would rather be in a coffin, no way am I going to do that.. and I was prepared to die. Truly.
But then I realised that I was being selfish. I had a loving family and I had a chance to fight for my life to be with them until the day I was supposed to leave this earth.. whether it was that day, a time after my treatment, or years in the future...
so I agreed to the treatments and each day for 5 weeks I would trot off to the radiation unit and be zapped. Each day, I faced my own death, because I had no idea if this was going to work. I just had to have faith. (and I keep saying I don't have any!!)
I had a near death experience too - when I had my tubes tied.. I stopped breathing and there was someone at the end of my bed, his name was Michael. I don't know who he was but he was so loving, I just didn't want to come back.. but he said i must... then I heard the nurses yelling, 'breathe, Robyn, breathe' and I was back.. so you see, I am not afraid of dying....
I don't know if I can say I am ready to die now. i have had a wonderful life... I don't want to die because I think of leaving my husband who is my soul mate and I do panic.. and there are things that I wish I could do.. like study herbs or travel to Peru and Cornwall... but if I died today or now.. I would be ok with it.. it is just i hate to think of the sadness and grief that those left behind experience... so yes, I am ok with dying myself. I just hate it when other people die. I hate grief. Hate it with a passion. I hate how it tears at your heart and doesn't go away. But I am not scared to die. Actually it will be quite exciting because then I will find out what life is all about !!
when I had cancer, I made a resolve to make my life more peaceful, calm and quiet..to take time out to just be.. not quite sure if I achieved that, probably not.. but today I re-commit to:
living in the present moment, to let go of all negative thoughts, to remember that I AM a Divine Immortal being and that I am loved by God.. that I am not separate from God.
oh and I did my little ritual!! wondering what the hell I could burn.. I decided on burning one of my cancer test results... and as it burned down to ash, i saw myself as a brilliant white light - perfect, whole and complete....