Tuesday, August 25, 2009

week One ~ I, Robyn, am willing to learn to let myself create. I am willing to nurture my inner artist.

I missed my morning pages twice, both days of the weekend actually. I just don't seem to be writing much at all.. well nothing astounding, mostly repetitive drivel. of what I can hear outside or I complain about having to do morning pages. I just write stuff until I have finished three pages. I begin to wonder if they do any good really. what will eventuate from them for me, I wonder.

as to the Artist's date - I had everything planned to go on a long solitary walk with a pad and pencils to draw but the rain poured down, so I gave myself the luxury of having a nap in a warm room, underneath a favourite eiderdown.. lying there looking out the window at the wind and rain, feeling very secure, reading for awhile before drifting off into dream filled sleep.. bliss.

blurts came thick and fast
*why do you want to create? *what will you do with it? *what purpose will it have? *why create things that aren't useful or needed? *why bother, you aren't an artist, you don't have your own creative ideas, you always copy others. *you are not an artist, you are just an ordinary woman, living an ordinary life. this is your lot in life, accept it. your family wasn't artistic.... and on and on it went.

wasnt' quite sure about monsters, I really could not remember anyone who actually put my art work down. But I guess one monster could be that I didn't get any encouragement from my parents for any kind of art work. Even when I chose subjects at high school, I was discouraged from studying art and encouraged to study useful things like sewing & home science ~ even when I studied French language, I was laughed at and ridiculed.

the only praise I got was from my Pa when I sang.. he encouraged me to sing as he was an Opera singer & I am sure he wanted me to pursue a career in that, but I had no interest at all in music

my 5 imaginary lives were
1. an archaeologist
2. a village Doctor
3. a potter
4. a nun
5. a gypsy

so that is my Week One in a nutshell... not a big breakthrough.. but I am sure plodding along something will eventually happen.
I am going to try to repeat my affirmations daily...


Anonymous said...

don't worry about what you write in your morning pages...just write. sometimes i even, "i have nothing to say...my mind is blank" and eventually something else stars trickling through.

i too had similar blurts. writing the affirmations every day in my morning pages has really helped those fade into the background.

of the other lists of fantasy lives i've read, both contain potter-and so does mine! i wonder how that's all connected...

good luck on your journey!

Meredith said...

ooh, I like this post, Robyn. Love your affirmations -- and your honesty! What an unusual collection of imaginary lives. I'm getting a better picture of your inner miss R just from reading that list. (Maybe you understand what I mean?)

You did all this *and* managed to be the cluster leader and post guidance on the blog. Congratulations!

Meredith said...

p.s. As someone who's been doing the morning pages for a long time, I can tell you it's not a big deal that you missed the weekend. I think (a) it's normal, we are people, not robots, (b) you are forming a new habit, it doesn't stick overnight, if it did it wouldn't be a habit worth acquiring.

One thing that helped me make it a habit was noticing how the quality of my day generally diminished on days I did not do brain drain. This may not be your experience. But there was a noticeable difference for me. It just took me a while to perceive it.

Michelle Eaton said...

Oh your artist date sounded blissful.

I had a lot of blurts too. I wondered where they came from as I have always had a lot of family support for my art. As I listened to the blurts, and as Julia says, they began to sound familiar. I went back through my past and discovered they were actually coming from my early school years when I was picked on, and made to feel very bad about myself. The daily ridicul made me hide myself and wish I was invisible. I realised that these blurts wern't necesarily about my artwork, but about my low self esteem caused by these situations.

Maybe if you look a little furthur into other areas of your life not just around art you might be able to find where these blurts are coming from.

I am working on my affirmations too now. I am finding they are helping to block out those nasty blurts.

Kavindra said...

I really like your alternate lives. Me too on the nun ... maybe we can be in the same convent in another 300 years or so, when we come back to earth ;) Hmmm, will they have convents on the moon or other planets by then? Maybe we'll be Astronaut Nuns!

Serena said...

Well done to you, Robyn! I managed my morning pages just fine but I didn't manage to squeeze in the artist date. My week was crammed full with other stuff. I have a lot of the same blurts as you do.

intothedawn said...

Sounds like you had a full and revealing Week One to me! Your AD sounds like it was divine! Love your affirmations. I somehow completely forgot to work with them this week.