Dark night of the soul ~ on being compassionate to my self

working through the Artist's Way during the Dark Moon has been one hell of a journey. Reading through Week 9, I realised that closing Tales of Inglewood had been a creative U-turn for me. Julia described perfectly how I was feeling.. closing the blog, shamed by my reaction: ashamed of what people were thinking of me.... then realized that I do love my blog and to talk to my inner child that it is ok to blog without an obligation to others, that I don't have to apologize for how I am. To blog for my creative self..

but I still felt silly for 'over-reacting' to how I felt.. so reading some more, I saw that by closing Inglewood and taking time away, I could recycle things.. bring those that I loved back to a new blog when I am ready to return..

Going through this Dark Moon I have actually found alot of help from Spirit, in being directed to a book by Thomas Moore. Dark Nights of the Soul. I went to the book shop today and only one copy on the shelf, which is now mine.. and honestly, this man wrote this book for me.. I am engrossed with the book..

out of the Dark Moon time came this poem.. it is not polished but it came from my fingers while I sat listening to Gregorian chants last night, while many candles burned to bring some light into my Soul:

My soul follows the Moon
falling from light and fullness
to the darkness of my soul
matching that of the Moon.
struggling with day to day life
not knowing where to turn
ever forgetting to look within
my heart aches
like a crack of lightning.
needing to journey inward
to find love & understanding of self
to sit in the darkness
accepting, nurturing, in stillness
until the Moon once again turns to Full.
to Light.

not thank God it is Friday.. but thank God it is the end of week 5 - a week of silly questions

once again for me, The Artists Way is coming back to faith, trust and belief in a God/Goddess/Creator.. call it what you will.. I just don't believe that prayers are answered.. coming from a family constantly telling me to get up off my knees, because God never did us any favours.. God helps those who help themselves.. but when I do pray (and that is not very often) I utter the words, hold my breath, not really expecting them to be answered and if they are.. I tell my self it is just fate..
I find it very difficult to believe in the Worlds abundance is there for everyone, when I look at the world, the poor and the starving - do they not pray?? and then when I do pray and ask for 'things' I feel guilty because there are thousands, millions, alot less fortunate than I am.. so I tell myself I must be happy with my lot

am I not getting something here in the book???

I really, really struggle with this belief in Spirit, it is a real struggle for me.. has been all my life.. like I am not quite 'game' to fully trust that there is something bigger than me.. just incase there isn't and I am let down again.

I just don't' get where any of the exercises are taking me... they don't make a whole lot of sense.. like what would I do if it weren't too selfish? go live in an ashram?? or what would I try if it weren't too crazy?? what the hell kind of question is that? what is crazy? jumping of a bridge?.. just do not get where this is going.. week 5 *sigh* all that I seemed to do was write loads of rubbish.

syncronicity to test me on the Artists Way

months ago, I booked myself into a weekend retreat which is coming up in November. I have paid half of the cost so far.. this workshop is given by an Aboriginal woman and is not a regular thing, only coming up once or twice a year. Last time I booked into it, I had to cancel because of family circumstances.... I am looking forward to this, we sit around in circle and create our own spirit stick.. (and MinMia's health is failing and I may not get another chance at a workshop with her... and I know that her gathering will help me connect to Australia and may even uncover some Aboriginal ancestry)


just today, my mother called and told me that they are having an 80th birthday party for her partner.. and that they are also getting married. After 21yrs together, they have decided to tie the knot for his 80th... but it is on the same weekend as my retreat. I told her ages ago about this and what date it was and now they have gone ahead and booked a hall and all the other trappings that goes with something like this. I asked if she could change the date, but really it is all too much for her to do.. I understand that. But I don't want to give my retreat up. I know this sounds very selfish. I have offered to go down the next weekend after 'the wedding' and take them out to lunch.. but all I get is 'your sister is coming'.. and guilt rears it's ugly head. Inside a voice screeches 'what about me??". .. I know not one of you can tell me what to do. This is a personal decision.. I just have to laugh at the synchronicity of Chapter 5 and this happening...all related to what Julia Cameron calls 'The Virtue Trap" and being self destructive... dammit, I want to put myself first for once and I want to feel ok with that.

week 4 ~ a bit on the dull side

besides not doing my morning pages once, and only giving up reading for a day.. not much else happened. I was absolutely exhausted from babysitting my grandson Harry.. so when i got to sleep in each morning, I took the chance!! i will admit I did feel guilty.. but i got past that quick smart..

I did most of my tasks, while sitting in the chair at the hairdressers, having my hair coloured by youngest daughter... and worked in my soul journal (otherwise known as my Book of Shadows and Light).. I wrote a letter to myself from a younger me and I realized one thing: my whole life as a child was bereft of fun and silliness - i have always been so serious about life as I doggedly travel my spiritual path, doing it right.. head down, get on with it. I truly do not know how to let my little girl have fun. If I blow bubbles, I feel silly. If I go on a swing, I feel like I am wasting time... and on it goes. That is one thing I must sort out. I think if I do that, then maybe the art will flow from my soul.

a few skills I would love to have: to be able to cut vegies skillfully like a chef. be able to create pottery, hairdressing, to be able to ride my own Harley Davidson.

hobbies that sound like fun: pottery, scuba diving, snorkelling, prawning

classes that sound like fun: pottery classes

things that I would never dream of doing:bungee jumping, skydiving, hot air ballooning... but that said, I also said once that I would never get on the back of a motor bike.. and I love it now!!

see there is a kind of theme running here.. pottery and funnily enough, last week in our paper there was an ad for pottery classes nearby my home.. and I have put my name down!!

I also realized, that I must, simply must make time each day to meditate; I found this ages ago about meditation:
just concentrate on the form of meditation you have chosen. and do not be in a hurry to see results, the moment you worry about progress, you regress. relax. practice your method. the kind of method you choose is not as important as the way you approach it. be patient. practice serenely. don't worry about reaching aims. just practice. enlightenment is a by-product rather than the main goal. development comes as it comes. enlightenment comes when you least expect it... (author unknown to me)

and where would I like to live? - i would love to live somewhere green. rolling hills in the distance, a small brook and a copse of trees, nearby would be sacred wells and standing stones. magick pathways along the river banks. a place that would touch my soul and feed all my senses.....

Week 3 ~ jammed packed full of stuff.

the past week for me has been an emotional rollercoaster.. from the absolute devestation of the break-up of my Wild Woman group to the birth of my grandson.. and many things in between, including memories throughout the Artist way journey.. way too much to even begin to put down here.. things that I know I must deal with for my own spiritual journey.

I found it difficult to even begin to find traits that Ilike in myself as a child, because you see, I didn't know myself. I was wrapped in some kind of fog blanket, going through the motions of life. I was a little girl who did what she was told, was very insecure and felt beneath other people. a little girl who searched for the meaning of life...
however, I know that I was studious and loved to learn, always applying myself to the task or lesson at hand. And I loved to read.

I worked through all the tasks from Week 3, just as if I were that little girl.. now I need to put them into my Soul Journal, otherwise known as my Book of Shadows and Light.

one thing I did realize as I read through Chapter 3 and shame, was that I always, always put obstacles up whenever I think about doing a workshop, course or some kind of study. I get caught up in a fear of committment. I then realized that it was deeply rooted in my childhood.. where my parents did not have enough money for further education, so it was never encouraged.. make do with your lot was what I was constantly told. And that has stayed with me until now.
Now that I can afford to do study, I still throw up obstacles..not enough time, can't really afford it as it is a luxury, too frightened of not being able to retain information and failing tests,what's the point of studying anyhow, it is of no use to me now.... why, oh why do I do this?
while I was reading, I realized that I would love to study Astrology and Feng-shui... but that old fear comes up. Now I am at the point of working through that fear ...

other thoughts that came up in my journal: Learning to trust myself, to believe in myself is probably the most important thing I could do. My most cheer me up music is: Edith Piaf/French cafe. My favourite way to dress is Bohemian style. favourite foods: celery with salt, apples with salt. buttered finger buns.
I need to make time to meditate, to balance & cleanse my energies...
and another thing was that I do not totally believe in my spiritual journey... I have not fully let go of it.. I still hold a string of control, just incase ... I feel as if I am play acting. Many people I know are 100% sure of their beliefs.. I still don't 100% believe that there is a spirit world, a God, beings on the other side helping me... hmmm how can I change that?? is that a trust issue? I just want to stand firm in my belief and TOTALLY LIVE IT, BREATHE IT AND BELIEVE IN WHAT I DO.

week 2 ~ creativity is the natural order of my life

finally this sunk in. reading the Basic Principles every day, I had been expecting to sit, pray for guidance to the Creator to guide me & lead me to create some kind of masterpiece much like Leonardo or Monet. Shoot for the stars I say! BUT over the past few days amidst the dreadful turmoil of my wise woman group seemingly disintegrating into a million pieces, I sat and contemplated the cards, worked through it in my soul journal, writing and illustrating for hours on end, coming up with some very deep intuitive answers. I suddenly realized, that what I had been doing was creating. I am creating my soul journey. it was like the Creator hit me in the back of the head with a brick. While sitting drawing or collaging, my soul is still and I am conversing with God. (I use the word God, some say Universe, some say Goddess.. finally, God sits ok with me). I am creating magick in my life and THAT is ok, it doesn't have to hang on the wall ...

(last time I worked through the Artists Way, the Creator began to plant seeds in my mind about gathering a circle of women at Full Moon to do ritual and create magick, at my home here at Inglewood. I started to jot ideas down but it never eventuated, I let the moment slip from my grasp and life went on. Although, I did co-create the group that has been in trouble over the past week. The Creator has started to prod me once more since I began the Artists Way this time, small reminders of what I am to do with a circle here. I feel feelings of discomfort coming, I squirm, I am not brave nor courageous enough to put myself out there and create a real life circle. I don't want to step out of my comfort zone, although I know it will be for my own good if I do... and anyhow, this AW journey is all about creating ART not magic circles, right?)

so going through the week:

ARTIST DATE: check - I went for a meditative walk and found my new wand stick.
MORNING PAGES: check
CRAZY MAKERS: I am beginning to believe that I could be my own biggest crazy maker.

FIVE IMAGINARY LIVES:
1. a dress designer
2. a merchant, like Marco Polo, travelling Spice Route to China through Persia, Turkey & India
3. a yogi living in an Ashram
4. a member of an indigenous tribe - connected to Earth spirituality - an American Indian or an Australian Aboriginal.
5. an acupuncturist/chinese herbalist

then somehow I started to think about God.. and some thoughts in my notes were:

"I do believe in God, I have actually worked through the aversion to that word and am now comfortable using it. sometimes though, I do question if God is real. But there has to be something. I know and feel that there is something bigger than me. I do tend to become fearful of believing in a Creator, that if I put all my eggs in that basket and fully trust, then I might discover that it was all a joke, a lie, that there is nothing, no God. and it is not about the religious God, the God that every one argues over who is right. this is about the very beginning, the God/Universe/Creator - .. before Druids, Celts, ancient tribes, witches & pagans... the ONE who is responsible for all that is" - *phew* that was very heavy. but that is what comes of my journalling.. constant soul searching stuff.

see? crazy making goes on in my very own head.

i did find it difficult to list things that I enjoy doing. actually didn't quite get this.. but I wrote a few things...

writing my blog, rides on the Harley, creating rituals, making soup, gardening and wandering around nurseries, dancing when we go out, browsing op-shops, taking walks in the bush and sitting on Mother Earth. I enjoy watching Doc Martin and I enjoy eating oranges sprinkled with salt.... I love walking the beach, discovering rock pools and finding sea-glass (we all know that is treasure, right?)... I love going away for bike weekends, drinking way too much red wine, dancing like a whirling dervish and letting my hair down..(of course I do not enjoy the next day)..

I didn't remember to do the affirmations.. completely forgot, but next week I will work through them, hopefully.. onto Week.3!!

week One ~ I, Robyn, am willing to learn to let myself create. I am willing to nurture my inner artist.

I missed my morning pages twice, both days of the weekend actually. I just don't seem to be writing much at all.. well nothing astounding, mostly repetitive drivel. of what I can hear outside or I complain about having to do morning pages. I just write stuff until I have finished three pages. I begin to wonder if they do any good really. what will eventuate from them for me, I wonder.

as to the Artist's date - I had everything planned to go on a long solitary walk with a pad and pencils to draw but the rain poured down, so I gave myself the luxury of having a nap in a warm room, underneath a favourite eiderdown.. lying there looking out the window at the wind and rain, feeling very secure, reading for awhile before drifting off into dream filled sleep.. bliss.

blurts came thick and fast
*why do you want to create? *what will you do with it? *what purpose will it have? *why create things that aren't useful or needed? *why bother, you aren't an artist, you don't have your own creative ideas, you always copy others. *you are not an artist, you are just an ordinary woman, living an ordinary life. this is your lot in life, accept it. your family wasn't artistic.... and on and on it went.

wasnt' quite sure about monsters, I really could not remember anyone who actually put my art work down. But I guess one monster could be that I didn't get any encouragement from my parents for any kind of art work. Even when I chose subjects at high school, I was discouraged from studying art and encouraged to study useful things like sewing & home science ~ even when I studied French language, I was laughed at and ridiculed.

the only praise I got was from my Pa when I sang.. he encouraged me to sing as he was an Opera singer & I am sure he wanted me to pursue a career in that, but I had no interest at all in music

my 5 imaginary lives were
1. an archaeologist
2. a village Doctor
3. a potter
4. a nun
5. a gypsy

so that is my Week One in a nutshell... not a big breakthrough.. but I am sure plodding along something will eventually happen.
I am going to try to repeat my affirmations daily...

secret #3 -lots of rambling on this one..

truthfully - I have no idea where this chapter is taking me. Or am I missing something? missing the point? You see, I just live my life and what happens day to day.. well happens. Oh yes I make decisions but I don't have a need to take risks. I don't take dangerous impulsive risks. Except of course getting on the back of the Harley.. but I don't jump off ropes into rivers or dive off bridges. I don't climb up the side of rock races. Mum cautioned me strongly when I was a little girl and it has stuck. I took a risk when I was 10 and had my ears pierced. Last time I took an impulsive risk was when I was 16 and fell pregnant. The result? A son who turns 34 next month.

I have a tattoo and I have purple highlights so I am not a stranger to taking risks.

Maybe I am blessed that I am very happy & settled in my life. I don't have urges to study nor do I want a career. I don't want much at all. I want simple. Usually if I want something or want to do something then I just do it.. within reason of course.. like if I want to travel or buy a big item then of course I have to budget... but I don't think much about doing things. I plan things of course... when my journey gets tough.. i usualy go into panic mode then my strong self takes control. She organises things, she prepares, she prays, she journals. She talks to anyone who will listen. She puts one foot in front of the other, knowing that the journey will continue no matter what she does...

I would like to be more adventurous & original in my 'art'. Not worrying like I do if this piece of lace or that ribbon or flower goes 'there' or 'there' or what colour should i paint the background? Should it be stippled or just dry brushed. Decisions are what I seem to have trouble with. Not trusting my creative self. where does that come from? haven't a clue. Although that all being said.. not once do I second guess myself when designing my garden or my home... if I want to write IMAGINE on my wall then I do it...... if I want to hang teacups from my apple tree.. it's done without hesitation... ...

this chapter has confused me a little. I am not really understanding it at all.... I remember reading in Simple Abundance a week or so ago where she asked.. what is it I NEED to make me truly happy? I need a garden, peace, solitude. a clean and tidy home, time to create. essential oils. candles. a massage. connection to Earth. water. fresh organic vegetables. the ability to create fresh delicious meals. Joe. a pot of tea and homemade cake shared with friends...... I have all of this and I am grateful.

do I need to take a risk just for the sake of it? what would a creative risk be for me? I don't know.. maybe create a poem or verse on my dining room wall?

the 2nd Secret

I must admit that I am struggling keeping up with this book... not sure why. Maybe it is because I have been away or maybe, just maybe I am in panic that I may have to create. Me? Create? I am not an artist my ego tells me. Paint? yeah right. ..... but I desperately want to. I want to paint, I want to create gorgeous collages, I want to find inspiration, I want to make a captured fairy jar. I want to pot....... I am sure I can do all of this but I don't or won't make time.... instead I take time to work in my garden, or create my gorgeous home..... and I cannot, simply cannot take time to paint when my housework is not done. It is not in my make-up to do that. If I ignored the washing or cleaning, and went to create, then all I would do is stress and worry... so I need to find a solution here or else forever I will be a frustrated artist.

so many questions to ponder in this chapter..... when I get creative inspirations, if I don't get them down them down then and there they are gone. As quickly as they came. Problem is most of mine come at 3 in the morning and I usually cannot rouse myself out of that sleep fog to write them down.. at 3am they are as clear as a bell, I am certain that I will remember them & I promise myself that I will jot them down in the morning. But when I wake, try as I might.. I cannot remember.

I am passionate about my garden. It is my absolute passion. I lose myself while in the garden. I know I am creative there. It just happens without any effort from me.

I already have the materials... hell, I have enough for all of you!

but wait! there's more:

i collect stuff. have been for ever, I gather bits and I go and buy old books just to use the covers for art... but there they sit.. waiting, waiting for inspiration to come.... I have ideas for canvases in my head.. but the line between my head and my hands doesn't seem connected properly. Maybe there is a fuse gone wrong.. because it doesn't come out the way that I see it in my minds eye.

oh I already have the space...

I am blessed in that I do have plenty of me time and I do have Sacred Space of my own... actually two.
I have a room where I meditate, where I sometimes take a nap on the vintage cane settee, where I keep my self-help books, my crystals, oils and essences. This room is saturated with angelic presence. It is where I talk to spirit.

then i have my creative studio. where I dabble with ART, where I create my journal, make gifts, cut and paste. where I stare at a blank canvas and wish I could do something with it. But I am scared of making a mistake. This room looks out onto a side garden where peace flags flutter in the breeze.....

starting again.. more self discovery... acknowledging my creative self

yes, I am creative. I know it because I have heard people say that I am creative because I am passionate and emotional and 'most creative people are like that' (I have heard them whisper)... so do I myself, acknowledge my creative self? I don't think so... heck, I don't think I even know myself very well... I change from one person to another, very much like I am multiple personalities... I morph into someone else nearly everyday... I take creativity for granted... I know that I create gardens, I create a peaceful, soulful home, I create sacred space, I create exquisite soul journals, I create delicious meals and sometimes not so delicious meals... but I don't really acknolwedge that this is creating.. I look on it as just me being me. So I guess it is time to grab this, say yes, I am creative! A creative passionate woman...